Just buy a 5 bed......

[InBedBy10]

.......This was said repeatedly on another thread, where the OP was trying to figure out bedroom situations with kids and step kids.

Am I the only one who thinks Mumsnet is breathtakingly out of touch? Most people I know have struggled to get a basic 3 bed. Alot cant even get that. Casually telling someone to "just buy a 5 bed" , like its so easy is down right moronic in my view. The housing crisis is well publicised. You cant be that stupid!

It does appear people want solutions but nothing that’s too challenging or takes to much effort. That won’t get anywhere like that

For two people who each own a three bedroom house, it’s not out of touch to make the suggestion they buy a five bedroom house.

Every child needs their own special bedroom left intact until they are 43 unless they are not your biological child in which case why are you making them dinner you aren’t their parent.

Luckily everyone I know IRL with step kids treats them equal to their own and does their share of the parenting (leave the heart to hearts to the OG parents until the kids are ready).

IMO 2 adult kids who spend lots of time there get a beautiful spare room with individual bookcases and dressers in it but also an extra bed in the boys’ room for when everyone is together.

While it's fair to say these responses get trotted out a lot - often as reasonable suggestions to whatever the issue is - I don't think people expect the OP to make a change overnight. They usually suggest the OP put a plan in place to achieve whatever end outcome they are looking for. Someone who constantly complains about what a useless wanker their spouse is, or is so downtrodden because of constantly being told they are useless, broken, ugly, whatever, often need an outsider to tell them that they do have choices and they do have the power to take agency of their own life.

If I remember the thread rightly! Both had their own homes, so by selling both properties it would be feasible to buy either a five bed or a 3/4 bed with potential to either extend or do a loft conversion! So hardly out of touch!

Yes, that's what I thought. It might be possible to get a 5 bed terraced house instead of a 4 bed semi detached, for example, or look for a house where people have created a be bedroom downstairs.
I genuinely don't think it was out of touch in this instance. It's a tricky situation with blended families, and room sharing is more difficult

Coupled with the fact that once one had lost the said b@stard, one should then remain single until all children are grown, raised, and established in their own households. God forbid you even think about having your own needs met, as above all else your children should each have a bedroom until they reach the age of 35…

I just think these are the things you have to think of when blending families. If the kids don't already share and they are used to having there own rooms and space, moving in to a house which has more people and less space is most probably not going to give OP the peaceful married life she presumably wants.

when someone specifically says they can't afford something, how on earth is 'buy it anyway' a reasonable or realistic suggestion?

Not to mention NONE of the 4 kids in that OP's scenario lived there full time, so, yes, buying a bigger house you can't afford (because it's not just an extra £20k for an extra bedroom, often a 5 bed will be much bigger overall and have another bathroom, living space, etc meaning ctax is more, bills are higher, stamp duty is more, higher mortgage, which could add up to over £100,000 or more difference), only for 4 out of 5 rooms to be empty some of the time is ridiculous.

Plus even if they could afford it - which the OP specifically said they COULDN'T, so you chatting on about 3 beds costing £350k and 5 beds £500k in YOUR local area is completely irrelevant, it's not as though there are loads of 5 bed properties even in existence!

Perhaps the kids would prefer to occasionally share a bedroom once a month than having to move schools, or live in a less pleasant area, or not have a garden?

Yes, I agree. Plus she had a 19 yr old DD at university, who has no room at her dad's. Posters were saying - "she's an adult, she's at uni, she doesn't need a room!", which I thought was very unfair.

Along with ”just get a higher paid job” 😂

You forgot build an annex on your property. As if that's a realistic possibility for most people.

I'm a single parent in a four bed house (my house not rented), my kids are teens so through no fault of there are probably selfish about sharing there space as they have never had to before.
My daughter is 18yrs and off to uni next year. I'm not quite sure why people would think she will be moving out, once chucked out of halls I assume she will be home for the summer to work plus Christmas, Easter in term time etc.
My boyfriend has three children and in a three bed house. I can't imagine us moving in together without a substantially bigger property, and I wouldn't want to, it would be hell.

And I’m sick and tired of kids being shoved into boxes because their parents want a shag partner.

if you can’t adequately house everyone, stay separate and make sure the kids have got a decent base as a home

My kids share, but the other thread was about making older dc who had their own room start sharing because she wanted to move them in with another family. Not a great idea if you want the blended family to work well.

Quite! She'll be in uni accommodation and will want to come home for respite etc, never mind 3 months in the summer etc.

The price difference between 4 and 5 beds isn't always that big though. Certainly round here it just means the edge of the same neighborhood, or a moderate amount of redecorating, or "I'd probably want to replace the bathroom in a couple.of years but not urgent".

I think it's more that there's an unspoken, "get a 5 bed, or don't cohabit til you can" part of it - i.e. don't mess up your kids for the sake of a relationship.

It's one thing asking young siblings to share a room, but another to ask them to share as adults, potentially with partners visiting.

The OP's situation bridged that gap.

I think the point is that they already have their own rooms and are already having to make a huge sacrifice by moving in with another family. Additionally, non-related boys can't share.

A good rule of thumb for any single parent is - your sex life should not lower your children’s quality of life.

blending families should leave your children with the same standard of living or higher, if you are lowering your children’s lifestyle in order to facilitate your romantic relationship, you are making a bad parenting choice.

Quite.

My daughter is at university. She hasn't 'moved out'

She still needs a place to keep her stuff and to sleep when she isn't at university.

But I find those sorts of comments tend to be made by 'university of life' type people who don't understand and have an odd contempt for university students.

Because anyone who has been, has kids who've been or just doesn't lack imagination can see why a university student hasn't left home.

We didn't know where they were either.

My friend's first house was a 5 bed in the NE. It was 92k (10y ago).

Quite. Every child I know has their own room (I shared as a kid myself). It’s not just for the privileged mega-rich.

I wasn't responded to the specific situation but to the broader question asking if people noticed some of the unrealistic responses on here. I have posted in the past about the issues I have with the area I live in and I've been very clear that I cannot afford to move. I was seeking advice about how to cope and if anyone else had dealt with similar situations. I had some lovely supportive replies that really helped but I still had quite a few saying "just move"

Absolutely. You wave them off, and back at home their bedroom is still pretty much the same, just a bit less stuff! My son had Freshers Flu, so he was back home for the second week. My others were home for Christmas, Summer and other occasions in between. I agree with your take on it!

You ( and lots of others) are missing the point deliberately. Sharing with a sibling is different to sharing with some random person. My young kids have recently asked to share a room which is lovely and we agreed but forcing them to share with someone they don’t really know is not comparable.