Bedroom dilemma

[soniiaa]

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house.

I have -
DS11 (is with me 90% of the time)
DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays)

DP has -
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

@middleagedandinarage What if you couldn't afford the luxury of a 4/5 bed?

I’d sit down with all the dc and talk about the situation. Offer any solution outlined here which is doable, especially the divided room like the picture above which looks great or the garden room idea. Trust them to come up with a solution. Tell them they are all equally precious to you and that you both want all of them to always feel they have a home with you.

You can always air b&b a self contained garden room in later years - a nice little income stream.

It's her only base though. Her only home outside temporary uni accommodation.

Uni will fly by and your DD may need to live with you again after uni and can’t share with her brother. You need another room to avoid resentment else it will cause a strain in all the relationships and your relationship with DP may not survive. Do you need to move in together? Assuming all children have own rooms in current arrangement?

Do you have a suggestion for where she can sleep in the holidays?

I'm not sure why everyone is talking about four children when 2 are legal adults.

I'm surprised there is still even an arrangement with a 19 year old spending some nights a week at his dad's - you don't usually have two homes at that age splitting time between mum and dad?? Is he still in FTE?

I think it's fairly usual to no longer have a dedicated bedroom once you have gone to uni - but your daughter will still need somewhere to stay when she back from uni.

I think the obvious answer is a room each for the two young boys and a guest room for the two eldest to use. If both want to stay at the same time your husband's son can stay with his brother.

All of this will look very different in 18 months time anyway OP. I've yet to meet a man in his early 20s spending nights round at his dad's as he did during a childhood custody agreement. He will have a more adult relationship with his father that isn't sleepovers once a week.

In an ideal world of course there would be a 5 bed house with a dedicated room for each family member to stay in for as long as they wanted. But, that's not reality. So long as there is a bed for everyone who may want or need one, that's good enough.

Then you can’t afford to move in together.

If you get a 4 bed, at least 1 child has to lose their own bedroom. That isn’t fair.

Wait until one has moved out completely and has their own place or find some extra money.

I think it's fairly usual to no longer have a dedicated bedroom once you have gone to uni

I have seen this on MN but in real life I don't know anyone with a child at uni who doesn't have their old bedroom at home too. Uni terms are short and the holidays are long, plus weekend visits.

Is there a reception room that could double as an occasional bedroom?

Then I wouldn't move in with a new partner where their children are going to make my children's living situation worse

This. Don’t take away your DD’s sanctuary and privacy for the sake of a man.

Find a four bed with a large enough bedroom that could be split into two smaller rooms. Even if that means your ake the second bedroom and split the master. It would be a cheap way to get a fifth bedroom and is likely reversible.

If you can't afford a 5 bed and no other room can be converted to a bedroom, I think one of the bedrooms will have to be classed as a guest room.

One of your step sons to occupy it when your daughter is not there and when your daughter comes home, that stepson bunks in with his brother.

If you do follow that route, I would make it pretty clear to everyone from the start and maybe put one of those bunk dividers or a trundle bed in the other step son's room.

I didn't go myself, but my sister shared with me when she came back on holidays etc. Our brother took what had been 'her' room when she left, so he & I no longer shared. Her boyfriend used to come stay on our sofa as his mum moved away to a one bed. A friend of mine had her family move to a different town and didn't have a room there any more in the new house. Another friend was able to stay back home, but in the room she had always shared with her two siblings.

I think there is a real lack of people MN who don't live in houses that are 1 bedroom per person. This was reality for everyone I knew.

I'm not yet old enough to know people who have children of university age, but I do have coworkers of university age, and lots of the students stay in their uni houses year round working - several of them don't have dedicated bedrooms just waiting for them back home.

My children are uni age and one is currently at uni. Out of all my friends and their friends I know one family where their yp stayed in their uni town all summer and none that don't still have their bedroom at home. A couple share their bedrooms at home, just as they did when they were home full time, but they still have their space.

Why can’t you wait a few years to get married and move in, when I’m sure at least one, of the oldest two, will have moved out permanently. I’m sorry but I couldn’t compromise my kids having their own rooms, to move into a too
small place with a boyfriend. It’s a lot of upheaval for children, who I take it, have always had their own space at yours, or at their dad’s? Or do his boys share now??

You act like this has to happen bc you're getting married next year. You don't have to get married next year! Everything would be much easier if you delay. You have kids in tricky transitional times -- starting uni, doing A levels, starting secondary. Upheaval at home is not helpful.

It's a lot to put your kids through when for all you know, once you live with your partner, you might find he's not the one for you anyway.

I think you both need to speak with your respective children and decide (as individual parents) what compromise if any is acceptable. As an outsider I would suggest that DP's two sons share the biggest room and your DD has the smallest room, as has already been suggested. I agree you need to provide a permanent room for DD so she continues to have a home base (and she clearly can't share as the only girl) and that should therefore be your red line. But your DP's red line may be that his sons can't share, in which case you have an impasse. If so, then IMO you need to rethink merging your families until the older children have officially flown the nest and then you can reasonably offer up 1 spare bedroom to share among the non-resident children when they visit.

DS11 has a room.
DD has a room.
DS16 has a room.
DD19 has to kip in his brother’s room whenever they are both there. Give them a big room to make this easier.

Are any of the rooms big that can be split with units or a plasterboard wall?

Friend brought 4 bed and used dining room as bedroom then made kitchen into a kitchen diner.
Another friend put a conservatory on dining room to make an extra bedroom.

won’t one 5 bed house be cheaper than the two 3 bedroom houses you currently own or rent?

This. And only this.

The obvious solution is that DPs kids should share.
Is there somewhere else in the house you can put a sofa bed?
I think not giving your DD her own room given that she doesn’t have one at her fathers would be a bad move.

I’m completely mind blown that you’re making arrangements to get married when you haven’t yet lived together. That’s highly unusual nowadays for couples without children, never mind for couples with a complex blended family situation to navigate. I would get that sorted first and then consider marriage, why on earth does it have to happen before?