Bedroom dilemma

[soniiaa]

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house.

I have -
DS11 (is with me 90% of the time)
DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays)

DP has -
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

I know but honestly, I would make the child feel at home. It’s not for long.

Why don't you split one of the rooms in two with a proper wall and additional door. They'll be small but they'll all have their own.

A lot of people have suggested variants on this.

It would work for the next year or two, certainly. But there's potentially an issue when the DD finishes university or if the DS19 wants to live with his dad. I think if neither she nor the DS are living independently - and in this economy, that's not unlikely - chances are that she gets a room to herself and DS currently 19 feels like he has to live with his mum even if he doesn't really want to because who wants to share a room in their 20s?

It feels like it would likely end up with the OP and her DP living with her children only and that might be fabulous for her but I am guessing her DP would rather live with his own children. Particularly if he is putting in more money to the house purchase, I can understand why he might feel like this was happening to his children's detriment

It's all very well saying sharing is fine - it is but these children have not been used to it and her stepchildren have the choice not to and just not come and stay with their dad. She rightly sees this as something that was done to her DD by her dad but somehow it's not a big deal for her DP to do the same to his kids.

I think finding some kind of way to divide rooms, different/cheaper location or waiting a while to see if one of the older children establishes themselves independently would be better

Then don't move in with your boyfriend, until she has properly moved out.

Ask the kids what they would do.

Why on earth are you making two unrelated kids share a room to let DS 19 have his own room for one night a week and stand empty for the rest of the time. It makes more sense for DS 19 and DS 16 to share. They are related and DS 16 would have the room to himself for most of the time.

I shared a box room with my sister until I was 12....."never did us any harm" lol

The three DS have their own rooms but during the holidays your DP’s sons have to share a room so that DD has her own room. If DD decides to return home after university your DP’s DS will need to share a room so that DD can have her own - but that’s in four years time, DD might not want to return or your DP’s DS might have left home by then.

Would OP and her DP be considering buying a joint property to house them all if they didn’t ? Logically not.

Disgusting. Grow up and get some class.

Just had a thought.

A bit of a wild card option.

Husband to be moves into your house with a bedroom for his youngest son. You keep his house and the older two have permanent bedrooms there.
It would give them a permanent base. They could go on to live there full time and rent it for a small amount of money when they’ve left uni etc.
It would give them a home and an option to be somewhat independent.

I think you meer to try amd stretch your budget to a 5 bed or look for a 4 bed with some extension options

It stands to reason that there's no way each child can have a separate bedroom unless you get a 5 bed house,
The logical solution is for partners sons to share .

It would not be reasonable for your DD to share with your DS so I’m afraid your DP’s boys are going to have to share. It doesn’t sound as though they will actually be there at the same time very much anyway.

Won't it seem odd to have the two boys sharing in university term time, when there is a bedroom sitting empty?

Not OP, by all accounts; but plenty of parents would indeed be selfish enough to do that and not care at all if the children were happy or not, as long as they got what they want.

Plenty of men will happily go further and actually abandon and never/barely see their kids again, when somebody else turns their head.

Everyone has their own room except your daughter at uni and then she shares or uses the ‘as hoc’ 19 yo room. Doesn’t sound like everyone is there often enough to need their own room.

Class?? FGS this isn’t a blended family it’s a mangled family. They do not have to live together.

Either move to a cheaper area and get a 5 bed, or don't move in together until at least one dc has their own place. This situation isn't really manageable.

@catin8oot5I’m sorry but your comment is wild! How vulgar of you. You do know there is more to relationships than sex right? Absolutely vile. You need to have a word with yourself!! Making comments like that so off the cuff is crazy

@catin8oot5 Wow and I hadn’t even read your ‘mangled family’ comment.. how rude are you!! I’d love to know all about your perfect life and family set up

I'm amazed how many people are putting DD at the bottom of the priority list on the grounds of "she's never there" - how many university graduates move directly from university to their own place (except those moving long distances for work)? Maybe it's a SE thing but I don't know anyone who didn't go home at least for a few months/year as a minimum after graduation.

If you can't afford a 5 bed house (which I can't fathom if you have 2x3 beds and 2 lots of utilities currently...) then your options are to buy something with the capacity to make a 5th bedroom quickly (study, dining room, scope to extend, loft conversion etc) or stay where you are until such a time you either can afford a 5 bed, or one or more DC have moved out permanently/long term. It isn't a case of "how dare you not stay single" as PPs have flippantly suggested, you've managed fine with your arrangements up until now to the degree that you've got engaged, so it works as is. Don't get the blended family off to a bad start with resentment if you're hoping to all sit down for Christmas together in years to come. The children need to come first here, not your desires to play happy families

Is there a reason why you have to all live in the same house? Can you not just continue to live separately? If it's just a case of saving some money, is it really necessary/worth it? Can you not just wait until at least of the teenagers has moved out properly into their own place?

👆 this. Wow, OP- there are some crazy comments on here! A few people triggered perhaps? You sound very sensible and like you are in a stable, happy long term relationship and the children aren’t being foisted onto strangers or people they hate. Chat to them, ask for their opinions: it does seem like the most sensible course
or action is either to turn a spare area (is there perhaps an office space?) into a sometimes room for DP’s eldest or else split the biggest bedroom for his two boys. Keep smiling xx

Could you build a granny flat in the back yard.