To think boyfriend has changed since I told him about my savings?

[sunissmiling]

I’m looking for some advice / opinions please. I’ve previously dated men who have been a bit cheeky regarding money, so my guard is up a little!

My new boyfriend lives just over an hour away but doesn’t own a car as he lives and works near the city center. I live in a more rural area and need a car to get around. Initially, we spent most weekends together after we met, but now that things have settled down, we see each other every other weekend. He comes to my place one weekend, and I go to his the next and so on. I used to pick him up and drive him back when he visited me, but it was too much (as I would do the same when visiting him), so now he gets the train.

Over the past few months, we’ve both spent money on various things, including meals, drinks and activities. I thought our spending was fairly balanced, with us roughly spending the same amount on each other (though I’ve likely spent a bit more when considering all the petrol and toll costs). For context, he earns a higher salary than I do, but I have more savings (from work and an inheritance). He is currently paying off some debts from his previous marriage. As far as I know, he’s not struggling. Everything seemed fine until a few weeks ago when I mentioned my savings. I was looking for a new car and asked for his advice, when he asked about my savings, I stupidly told him the amount. I normally don’t discuss finances, but I didn’t think it would be a problem since we’re in a committed relationship. However, I feel like the dynamics have shifted since then, and it can’t just be a coincidence.

Here are some examples: A couple of weeks ago, I visited him, and we went out for dinner. He asked if we could split the bill. Later, we went out for drinks, and I paid for them. Usually, when I visit him, he pays for meals as I pay the travel expenses. The same goes for when he comes to mine, I pay for takeaways or buy nice food for the house. He’s coming over to mine tomorrow. He initially planned to take the train, but his parents are visiting for a day out so he’s going to catch a ride with them. Fair enough, it makes sense not to spend money on train fare, however, he asked me earlier if I could take him back on Sunday. It just feels a bit unfair that he expects me to do that and cover the fuel costs, especially since it’s not my weekend to travel.

Maybe he doesn’t see it as a problem now that he knows I have some money. I’m more than happy to pay my way, but I don’t think I should be responsible for everything just because I have savings. If I do, I’ll end up with no money left. It’s a shame because he wasn’t like this before, and I feel like things have changed. Am I being unreasonable? Am I overthinking this? Should I bring it up with him this weekend?

I’d be careful. £12k isn’t a huge sum if you want to buy a car and have a bit of change for something eg a holiday. It’s not your problem that he has debts from his marriage. If you’ve been paying your way he shouldn’t be pressurising you to pay for extra stuff. The £12k will soon be gone. I’d buy the car and put the rest in one of those accounts you can’t access easily.

Of course you are correct, not ideal, but you can't take it back once it's said, unless you have a time machine.

I'd say he's probably figuring that as you have savings he doesn't need to be as careful in splitting or sharing expenses as he was before. I'd not say anything this time, but next time he suggests splitting the bill just say "oh shall we split bills from now on?" And then make sure you split when it's your weekend too.
I would say he simply hasn't thought through the lift scenario from your perspective so I would simply say "you know it's a 2.5hr round trip for me don't you, I don't really want to spend my Sunday evening doing that".

Ah. It sounds like the energy has changed between you and you are looking for a rational explanation.

Men do tend to think transactionally and are seemingly obsessed with being seen as the provider (hilarious my ex husband bringing up the provider thing in counselling when I had consistently out earned him and he refused to go for promotions for made up excuses). Men who have this obsession can have quite a twisted 'logic' (it isn't reasoning it's entitlement) and trust me, you'll never end up agreeing on what 50/50 actually is with this type of man. 49.99999/50.11111 is UNFAIR to this type.

50/50 can be a trap with them, it's also a logic that extends into the rest of the relationship in my experience.

There's other good advice on here. Focus on his behaviours not the causes, and in future, keep your finances to yourself.

I'm just being cathartic from this point onwards!
An ex bf brought up the 'fact' I would not put some imaginary future money aside for a flat deposit. It was a ridiculous conversation a couple of years before we split up. I thought it was bizarre at the time and it only happened once. He wanted to know if I would consider getting a deposit together to rent him a flat. I was all 'when you've got a few grand saved up we can look at it again' (my way of shutting down the conversation as I don't discuss financial hypotheses, actual investing is complicated enough). When we broke up it turns out he'd really worked himself up about this conversation and was trying to use it as 'evidence' of how selfish I was. He didn't like it when I asked how much he'd saved up since we had the chat (spoiler alert, not a penny).

I suspect your gut is right. These tight men can be hard to get a read on as well. They're as contained and locked up as their imaginary wealth.

I'd trust my gut. You have savings and he's in debt. Before you know it you will be covering a lot more.

How did it even start you driving him? It's his choice not to have a car and unreasonable for him to expect this. I say this as a non driver; it's my problem and my responsibility to get myself where I need to be, same with your boyfriend.

This