To think boyfriend has changed since I told him about my savings?

[sunissmiling]

I’m looking for some advice / opinions please. I’ve previously dated men who have been a bit cheeky regarding money, so my guard is up a little!

My new boyfriend lives just over an hour away but doesn’t own a car as he lives and works near the city center. I live in a more rural area and need a car to get around. Initially, we spent most weekends together after we met, but now that things have settled down, we see each other every other weekend. He comes to my place one weekend, and I go to his the next and so on. I used to pick him up and drive him back when he visited me, but it was too much (as I would do the same when visiting him), so now he gets the train.

Over the past few months, we’ve both spent money on various things, including meals, drinks and activities. I thought our spending was fairly balanced, with us roughly spending the same amount on each other (though I’ve likely spent a bit more when considering all the petrol and toll costs). For context, he earns a higher salary than I do, but I have more savings (from work and an inheritance). He is currently paying off some debts from his previous marriage. As far as I know, he’s not struggling. Everything seemed fine until a few weeks ago when I mentioned my savings. I was looking for a new car and asked for his advice, when he asked about my savings, I stupidly told him the amount. I normally don’t discuss finances, but I didn’t think it would be a problem since we’re in a committed relationship. However, I feel like the dynamics have shifted since then, and it can’t just be a coincidence.

Here are some examples: A couple of weeks ago, I visited him, and we went out for dinner. He asked if we could split the bill. Later, we went out for drinks, and I paid for them. Usually, when I visit him, he pays for meals as I pay the travel expenses. The same goes for when he comes to mine, I pay for takeaways or buy nice food for the house. He’s coming over to mine tomorrow. He initially planned to take the train, but his parents are visiting for a day out so he’s going to catch a ride with them. Fair enough, it makes sense not to spend money on train fare, however, he asked me earlier if I could take him back on Sunday. It just feels a bit unfair that he expects me to do that and cover the fuel costs, especially since it’s not my weekend to travel.

Maybe he doesn’t see it as a problem now that he knows I have some money. I’m more than happy to pay my way, but I don’t think I should be responsible for everything just because I have savings. If I do, I’ll end up with no money left. It’s a shame because he wasn’t like this before, and I feel like things have changed. Am I being unreasonable? Am I overthinking this? Should I bring it up with him this weekend?

He is telling you that his time is more important than your time by asking you to drive for that long cos he cant be arsed sitting on a train. Regardless of the money issue, he already feels superior. I'd be having a long hard look at the relationship

I’d just call him out on it and see what he says.

However, my ick is already activated so it’s game over for me.

This. Also point out if you drive him home you still have to do the return journey to get you home so it doesn't work for you. The train is far more relaxing. It sounds as if he is a bit selfish tbh. You know you made a mistake in mentioning your savings and inheritance. I'd not be discussing finances with a new bf for well over a year to 18 months.

How much is the train fare? I’m asking as it sounds as if you are 2 adults both earning reasonably well, I’m not sure why the cost of travel once a fortnight is such an issue.
But he does sound like a CF asking for you to drive him home, unless the train journey is particularly tortuous ( Sunday bus replacement service?) or he is disabled in some way.
He’s divorced, is he paying CMS ? I’m wondering why money and cash flow seems to be such an issue.

I don’t think you are overthinking at all. I’d be very wary of this tbh.
Make sure you go halves on everything and share buying the drinks.

If he doesn’t want to do that then you know he’s taking the piss and seeing you for an easy cash machine.

I don't understand why you are so passive in this @sunissmiling .

When he asks you for a lift just say no, you'll take him to the station.

And when he asked you to go halves, why didn't you ask "oh are we changing? Shall we go halves with everything from now on?"

No need to bring anything up. Just set your boundaries and stick to them.

I’m in two minds about this. I’m going to assume he has little or no savings and you have like £20k.

In that situation I wouldn’t expect you to give me money or to pay my debt or anything. But I wouldn’t totally ignore the financial imbalance. The truth is, you covering 1 dinner out is going to be a drop in the water for you. If he’s the resentful type, he’s probably going to think he’s inadvertently in a worse position in life than you and that things aren’t really equal.

It’s one thing to split food and travel equally when both are in a similar position but it’s also a bit cold/clinical when you’re clearly in a much better financial position than he is. But again I’m not saying you have to spend money on him; it’s just that he probably thinks you see him as casual now as you’re tight towards him.

Plus you must see that it’s annoying for him that he’s on a higher salary - yet can’t buy a house or car, so clearly your inheritance gave you a boost in life. Even the fact you’re not in debt although you both have similar lifestyles (arguably you have the better lifestyle) suggests that you are much more comfortable than he is even though he has more money coming in. I’m not saying that’s a negative on you, but just that he’s obviously worked hard and that was kinda meaningless.

Fucked if I’d be driving home either. I’d never ask someone to do that, that’s an absolute piss take.

This is rubbish. They aren’t married. And owed him nothing and certainly doesn’t need to be subsidising a bloke she doesn’t even live with 🙄

If he doesn't want to travel by train to see you then he needs to learn to drive.
Or if he has passed his test he needs to buy a car if he wants a relationship with someone who lives a 75 minute drive away from where he lives.

Keep your financial situation close to your chest. Just because you have savings doesn't mean you are a taxi service.

Be careful & look after yourself OP

I never said she needs to subsidise him, I said the converse multiple times. Grow up and learn to read, Christ.

I wouldn't call him out on it at this stage, but I'd certainly wouldn't be giving him a lift. That's surely a 2.5 hour drive for you there and back?!?!

I'd tell him to take the train as it's too much driving for a Sunday night as you want to relax, but you're happy to drop him at the train station. See what he says...

It's too soon to tell for sure but he's gotten more transactional since you told him.

This is a new bf you said, and you got too comfortable. Now he's changing it up because he thinks you've got money to burn on him and you're going to be spending more and chauffeuring him around for the pleasure of his company.

If you tolerate it and pay more, this is what he'll expect.

I'd say no to driving him. He's got nerve. I'd stick to your previous pay arrangements and if he fusses about it, you know this has turned very transactional.

I absolutely agree.

Nah. Get rid.

Based on him asking for one lift back, i think youre jumping to conclusions because youre worried now thar youve mentioned your savings. It doesn't sound like youre that into eachother if you begrudge and keep tally of who pays for travel etc

I think there’s not enough evidence yet. I can’t think of anything else to suggest other than to see how it pans out. Has he ever asked to split the bill before now?

Your savings are for big ticket items like cars or home improvements, not for frittering away on drinks, meals out, and tolls/petrol whilst ferrying BF around!

You know him and you know the dynamic. So I think if your gut’s telling you something has shifted it probably has. What level of savings are you talking about for him to react?

I know you are aware of it now but it was a massive mistake to have shared your private financial situation. Human beings can be very unpredictable when it comes to money. It already sounds as if his resentment regarding you having this money has been triggered. Not a nice look for a man.

When we dated with my husband , he asked me do I have a lot of savings back home. Not sure why he asked back home, since I lived with him while we dated in the UK....it was on the second week of moving in with him but I moved in very fast due to leaving a rental ....

I was tbh, shocked. Never expected this question and I don't remember what I said but I think I lied about having few hundreds which my mum keeps for me in a old wardrobe and that the salaries in Eastern Europe are not what they are in the UK and is having only few 100 in savings ok for him lol.

When we married he just started paying for everything but was very defensive of telling me how much savings he has.

Life turned in a strange way. I restarted work after giving birth and he did not have a leg to stand on, asking me to contribute because was stingy with some of his money though I always had what I needed.

Coming now, I am saving all my salary and have tens of 1000s in savings and he spent all his money, on us as a family.

I am hemming in his needs now and never would leave him without money. Just a story

If I had money and savings before dating a man, I would probably be very ambitious to meet someone outearning me. But I had 0 confidence how much money my man is to have, so I just dated anyone who was decent, caring and having just a job and capable of managing his own finance.

He's a grown man I'm sure he can manage to catch a train.
In the long term I'm not sure I'd want to be with him though now he knows about savings. It will be too easy to push the onus onto you to pay for things. "I can't afford, got debts, not been paid yet."
It's not rocket science he's becoming a bit cheeky now he knows you can afford things. Why would he pay if he can have sex and get freebies?

He's getting more comfortable with you and now you're seeing the true him. It may not have anything to do with the savings but he does seem like he's cottoned on to the fact you can pay more so he doesn't have to I guess. (petrol v train fare)
Tell him you have something else on so you can drop him to the station and gauge his reaction. As someone said upthread, your gut is shouting at you so listen!

Yes, this.
And maybe never, but that's just my own circumstances.

This.

personally I wouldn't 'bring it up with him' because I don't think it'll get you anywhere & he's a grown man (you're not his mother raiding him). I'd just start saying 'No' to things like driving him home (why should you spend hours driving to save him 15 minutes??)

and batting back on him suggesting you pay for stuff all the time.

However, I really think you're wasting your life here & you'd be wise to end the relationship.

sad, but worse a couple more years in & eventually you will end it (if you've any sense).