To think boyfriend has changed since I told him about my savings?

[sunissmiling]

I’m looking for some advice / opinions please. I’ve previously dated men who have been a bit cheeky regarding money, so my guard is up a little!

My new boyfriend lives just over an hour away but doesn’t own a car as he lives and works near the city center. I live in a more rural area and need a car to get around. Initially, we spent most weekends together after we met, but now that things have settled down, we see each other every other weekend. He comes to my place one weekend, and I go to his the next and so on. I used to pick him up and drive him back when he visited me, but it was too much (as I would do the same when visiting him), so now he gets the train.

Over the past few months, we’ve both spent money on various things, including meals, drinks and activities. I thought our spending was fairly balanced, with us roughly spending the same amount on each other (though I’ve likely spent a bit more when considering all the petrol and toll costs). For context, he earns a higher salary than I do, but I have more savings (from work and an inheritance). He is currently paying off some debts from his previous marriage. As far as I know, he’s not struggling. Everything seemed fine until a few weeks ago when I mentioned my savings. I was looking for a new car and asked for his advice, when he asked about my savings, I stupidly told him the amount. I normally don’t discuss finances, but I didn’t think it would be a problem since we’re in a committed relationship. However, I feel like the dynamics have shifted since then, and it can’t just be a coincidence.

Here are some examples: A couple of weeks ago, I visited him, and we went out for dinner. He asked if we could split the bill. Later, we went out for drinks, and I paid for them. Usually, when I visit him, he pays for meals as I pay the travel expenses. The same goes for when he comes to mine, I pay for takeaways or buy nice food for the house. He’s coming over to mine tomorrow. He initially planned to take the train, but his parents are visiting for a day out so he’s going to catch a ride with them. Fair enough, it makes sense not to spend money on train fare, however, he asked me earlier if I could take him back on Sunday. It just feels a bit unfair that he expects me to do that and cover the fuel costs, especially since it’s not my weekend to travel.

Maybe he doesn’t see it as a problem now that he knows I have some money. I’m more than happy to pay my way, but I don’t think I should be responsible for everything just because I have savings. If I do, I’ll end up with no money left. It’s a shame because he wasn’t like this before, and I feel like things have changed. Am I being unreasonable? Am I overthinking this? Should I bring it up with him this weekend?

Also I asked him for advice about the car because he used to be a mechanic.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS @sunissmiling

you’ve noticed a shift and you’re right to do so.

This is you needing to pay more attention

he will drain you if you don’t put a lid on this.

He doesn’t have the running expenses of a car. He hasn’t bought a car. With a 13k gross differential in earning, even if paying of a debt, he must have more disposable income than you. Does he save? Do not, do NOT dip into savings for everyday spends. Make sure you continue to feed your savings. Set yourself a budget for dinners out/fun time, and that’s it, that’s your budget.

I don't think you're over reacting. He thought you were about equal financially. He now knows you have some money and in his world, It's for spending. Why should he spend his when you have some?

He's not as evolved as you. Easy come easy go in his world hence the debt.

I thought you were going to say the savings were going to be at least £50k.

I feel you’re overthinking a little - understandable given your relationship history. I think it’s likely he just doesn’t feel like getting the train on Sunday, rather than about you having savings. Personally that would flag for me as someone who may continue to take the piss and often. If he’d said something like “please can you drive me back on Sunday as I don’t feel like getting the train and I’ll contribute towards the fuel or make it up to you next time I see you” then that would be different. The splitting the bill thing…could be just a bit skint that weekend. I would keep an open mind, for now.

I can't think that £12k would be significant enough to change his behaviour, especially when he's on 1.5 x your wage.

I think that’s a little unfair. It’s not that I didn’t want to or couldn’t be bothered, but it would have meant that I was driving 2.5 hours every single weekend.

The only reason we switched to every other weekend is that we both work full time and didn’t have time to hang out with friends and family or pursue hobbies as we were always together. We were both happy with this setup.

This!

It does seem a little off, based on your usual arrangements. Did he say why he wants you to take him home? Surely he understands it's a long journey for you.

It sounds like his financial attitude is very different to yours. He had a wedding that they couldn't afford, hence still paying it off years later. That is so irresponsible!

I was shocked that your savings were only £12K but I disagree with others saying that couldn't be enough to make him suddenly change. It absolutely would when you're the type to plan and have a wedding you cannot bloody well afford!

How much is the train fare? It's not the 15mins he wants to save, it's the train fare, and you can bet your £12K savings that he has no intention of compensating you for the fuel and all the extra mileage you accumulate over multiple trips. He doesn't give a fuck about wasting your time having to drive all the way home again. He's a user and a chancer.

I'd do as another suggested, any food and drinks on your weekend, you ask to split, just like he did. See what his reaction is.

I'd definitely have my guard up with this one. I'd not be happy about the sudden change in attitude.

You mentioned that he has debt from a previous relationship and is expecting you to cover more costs than usual. Is it possible that he’s terrible with money? He’s heard you say you that you have £12k savings and that’s immediately sparked pound signs in his eyes. Although he earns more than you, he might be spending more than he can afford and is now expecting you to fill in the gaps because he knows you have savings?

Money aside, I’d be concerned about a relatively new partner encouraging me to significantly inconvenience myself for his benefit.

So basically this is what used to happen
week 1 - you drive there and back to visit him - two and half hours or so.
week 2 - you drive there and back to pick him up to visit you . And then you drive there and back to drop him off... 5 hours. A total of you driving 7 and a half hours a fortnight at the weekends. With you paying all the petrol and tolls. Until you said get the train to mine.

So this week he's getting a ride with his parents - no cost to him again.. and decides he wants you to do another round trip on the Sunday again (at no cost to him)
On top of that He's starting to go back on the arrangement you had about taking turns to pay for meals.. so no cost to him again

It's very entitled.... and that's before you start paying for the drinks etc.

I think that you sound like a very generous person, who is careful to save their money but wants to be fair and pay their own way. He does not.

It sounds like you have had to push back in the past and been successful, but I think its a pain that you have to keep having to do that.

You told him your savings were for your new car, right? So that is a perfect reason to say "I can't pay for that - I'm going to be broke soon once I have spent all my money on my new car!".

I totally agree with you OP. Things have shifted now he knows the amount you have saved and, as that genie is out of the bottle, things won't shift back.
Personally I think you need to have a very frank and honest conversation with him this weekend, tell him how you are feeling, give the examples and see what he says and how he reacts.
You have nothing to lose and if he doesn't react in the way you hope then you are entirely correct in your thinking and you would be better off calling it a day now.
Good luck OP x

He does sound a bit irresponsible with money if he still in debt from his wedding. Do you know why he split up after only one year of marriage ? Off topic slightly but it doesn’t bode well.

I think you’re right to be a bit suspicious now and have your guard up. I wouldn’t raise it directly but I’d just push back against driving him or doing anything else that’s a shift from the usual 50/50 arrangement you had in place.

It's his choice not to have a car so he his responsibly to shoulder the consequences.

Did he say why he wants you to drive him back home?
It seems incredibly selfish of him to expect you to spend all that time driving when he can get the train!

I don't know if it's due to your savings but trust your instincts.

This ^ is an advice I would follow. Give him chance to show his true colours, don’t mention savings again.

I have zero tolerance for non drivers nowadays. Nothing against them but they're not my problem. What really did it for me was the way many of them get a bit narcy with you when you start saying no - they should be grateful you ever offered them a free taxi service in the first place! But they often seem to start taking it for granted.

It used to piss me off driving back to my hometown to see my mates. Almost a two hour round trip and couldn't drink as was usually driving back. Upon leaving the pub/restaurant there'd always be one asking for a lift home, then they'd all want to jump in. They're all only five mins from the centre (smallish town) but in different directions so it would be 15 mins running about. And then they'd want to stop at the garage for fags etc sometimes.

I eventually started saying "sorry, need to get back" and from their reactions I knew they'd be moaning after I left. But why the fuck should I ferry them home when they live 10 mins walk away and I've got an hour's drive. They're lucky to be able to knock back the vino and not have to worry about the logistical issue of living 50 miles away.

I agree its not the 15 mins he wants to save its the train fare... and doesn't care that its time out of your day off driving him ... but also the petrol and tolls you have to pay. Completely unfair when he earns more than £12k more than you! even if he does have debts from his wedding to pay back... not a great concept to have you subsidising that repayment so that he sacrifices less.

I think if you do have a push back conversation.... I'd keep it along the lines of making it clear things have to be 50/50 or you won't be playing ball..
Don't fall into the trap of justifying why you need to be careful with your savings or apologising as if you are letting him down to bring this up (which can be easy to do in these circumstances) - you are simply confirming how you want things to be and taking a good look at how he receives that clarification and whether he accepts it in deed and not just verbally.

In your situation I would bring this subject up quite directly. If your BF earns more than you he is not a pauper and its not up to you to sub him out.

For the future you have learned a valuable lesson. Never discuss your finances with anyone (even a close relative) unless you KNOW you can trust them completely. If anyone asks me a financial question I put them off quite sharply.

"I dont mind your asking me inpertinent financial questions so long as you dont mind my not answering!"

I see these threads on Mumsnet stating "My DD earns £££ and I charge her £££ for rent. When I lived with my parents they never knew what I earned. It was none of their business. I gave them approximately what my friends gave their parents for my keep. I was paid by bank transfer and had all my business correspondance sent to an accommodation address.

Agree. Ask to split the bill on his weekend and see what he says.

I voted YABU because this is FAR from a committed relationship. You’re either committed and both are pulling their weight, or you’re not

I guess the driving isn’t just about money, it’s also about your time spent travelling both ways. But in relationships there is usually a point where you start to split the costs of things and the other things start to even out. Not sure how long you’ve been together as you say new boyfriend but also committed relationship.

Some people can be weird about inheritance and get quite jealous. I’ve been told in the past that I’m essentially lucky that my parents died young. The advice I got from here was to not disclose your full financial situation until you get married (some people say not even after that). So I wouldn’t be talking about savings with him or future partners

Definitely decline to drive him home as it'll take up your whole evening and be wasteful when you could drop him at the station. As a pp said it would be interesting to know if he gave a reason for this request.

I feel slightly bad asking my husband to spend 40 minutes driving me to the station & back home (20 minute trip each way) when it would only take me 35 mins on the bus - but of course he’ll do it (as I do for him) as it is nicer to go by car rather than bus.

No way would either of us think the other should spend 2.5 hours driving so we could save 15 minutes on a train.

Stop driving him round at the cost of your time & fuel!