To think boyfriend has changed since I told him about my savings?

[sunissmiling]

I’m looking for some advice / opinions please. I’ve previously dated men who have been a bit cheeky regarding money, so my guard is up a little!

My new boyfriend lives just over an hour away but doesn’t own a car as he lives and works near the city center. I live in a more rural area and need a car to get around. Initially, we spent most weekends together after we met, but now that things have settled down, we see each other every other weekend. He comes to my place one weekend, and I go to his the next and so on. I used to pick him up and drive him back when he visited me, but it was too much (as I would do the same when visiting him), so now he gets the train.

Over the past few months, we’ve both spent money on various things, including meals, drinks and activities. I thought our spending was fairly balanced, with us roughly spending the same amount on each other (though I’ve likely spent a bit more when considering all the petrol and toll costs). For context, he earns a higher salary than I do, but I have more savings (from work and an inheritance). He is currently paying off some debts from his previous marriage. As far as I know, he’s not struggling. Everything seemed fine until a few weeks ago when I mentioned my savings. I was looking for a new car and asked for his advice, when he asked about my savings, I stupidly told him the amount. I normally don’t discuss finances, but I didn’t think it would be a problem since we’re in a committed relationship. However, I feel like the dynamics have shifted since then, and it can’t just be a coincidence.

Here are some examples: A couple of weeks ago, I visited him, and we went out for dinner. He asked if we could split the bill. Later, we went out for drinks, and I paid for them. Usually, when I visit him, he pays for meals as I pay the travel expenses. The same goes for when he comes to mine, I pay for takeaways or buy nice food for the house. He’s coming over to mine tomorrow. He initially planned to take the train, but his parents are visiting for a day out so he’s going to catch a ride with them. Fair enough, it makes sense not to spend money on train fare, however, he asked me earlier if I could take him back on Sunday. It just feels a bit unfair that he expects me to do that and cover the fuel costs, especially since it’s not my weekend to travel.

Maybe he doesn’t see it as a problem now that he knows I have some money. I’m more than happy to pay my way, but I don’t think I should be responsible for everything just because I have savings. If I do, I’ll end up with no money left. It’s a shame because he wasn’t like this before, and I feel like things have changed. Am I being unreasonable? Am I overthinking this? Should I bring it up with him this weekend?

I could not be bothered with this..
You only see each other every two weeks and neither of you seem keen on the travel, just knock it on the head

You are probably right, your savings have changed his expectations. I also would say anything and would start saying no.

Do you know how much debt he has?

Tbf, to me it just sounds like the usual piss take from non drivers.

Tell him it's not going to work and you're happy to just see him next weekend.

Then being up the conversation of him learning how to drive.

Well, you will see if he comes to see you and you ask him to Split the takeaway...
Also, tell him you can drive him to the station but that's it.

You were very foolish giving out that info so early on....

Well, not really. Let’s push him in to his true colours!

As long as OP doesn’t start lending him money or paying more than her fair share, knowing about the money only makes a twat expose himself as a twat.

My hackles would be raised too. I'd be quite blunt about it I think, as it may be subliminal behaviour, especially if he is coming out of an expensive divorce and has less spending money than he's used to. If he's a decent guy, he'll appreciate the reality check and snap out of it.

I wouldn't mention this, I'd just say no to the changes and unfairness. He's being a bit of a dick and greedy.

You shouldn’t be travelling there and back when he could get a train - it’s not just the money but it’s your time and energy. It doesn’t seem like he’s so keen any more or he’s taking you for granted.

You need to be assertive here.

Make sure he pays for dinner when he comes over and don’t drop him back.

Don’t fall into the habit of subsidising him. Remind him he earns more and costs need to be 50/50.

Tell him that your savings are tied up and you can’t easily access them.

Exactly this. It sounds like this relationship is a chore.
I think long distance relationships don't tend to work out well unless the couple are quite well bonded before it becomes long distance, eg. they previously lived close to each other.
What are you hoping to get out of the relationship OP? If it's marriage and a family I'd run a mile. It reminds me of the relationships one of my oldest friends used to get herself into: lots of work, lots of mental accounting. She ultimately wanted a husband and family, but sadly things didn't work out as she spent too long trying to make relationships work with men who weren't a good fit for her, one after the other for years, rather than focusing on meeting someone who she was compatible with and found it easy and enjoyable to be with.
If you are older and/or don't want kids and/or are happy to have a less full on relationship where you have your own life and home it's different I suppose, as long as you don't let him take advantage of you!

I'm not sure.
It sounds like his parents are only giving him a lift to your house because they happen to be visiting that day. He may just have asked you for a lift back because he fancied a weekend of not having to take the train. You've only paid for drinks once (when you wouldn't usually). So I wouldn't necessarily think it was anything to do with my savings. I'd wait to see if a pattern starts to emerge before making that assumption.
My dp used to travel over 2 hours pretty much every weekend to see me whilst I was away at university. If it was a weekend where I was visiting home , he'd pick me up from a train station over an hour away from our home town ( I would have needed to get two trains otherwise, as no direct one).
It doesn't sound like your that into each other tbh if you only see each other once a fortnight and these types of things are irritating.

It might not be a money thing, more of an entitlement thing. Either way, it's not looking great for the relationship tbh - imagine asking you to drive for hours for no reason. Honestly, it's just limping along anyway, just move on would be my advice.

So he expects you to do a 2.5 hour round trip?

He’s a piss taker.

Throw this one back. The balance of power has shifted in his eyes are you have savings and he’s taking the piss to see how much crap you’re willing to put up with to make himself feel better. And never let anyone know your finances until you’re married……money changes people attitudes.

So you used the see each other every weekend, but now it’s only every second weekend. You used to pick him up and take him home but then you stopped because you couldn’t be bothered even though it’s once every 4 weeks. And you both scrimp and nitpick over costs of drinks and trains when you see each other? I think you’re just not that in to each other.

I think regardless of the money, I wouldn't want to be ferrying someone around. In fact I find it a bit unattractive that I have to pick him up, to take him back to mine and then fund it as well. It's a new relationship, I'd be looking for him to show his commitment by continuing to get a train to you and you picking him/dropping him to the station seems fair to me.

Your savings are nothing to do with him, you worked hard for that and it's not for fleeting away picking up the slack.

I'm wondering why you asked him for advice on buying a new car when he doesn't drive.

I'm disabled and limited to working part time. My bf works full time and is by far the higher earner. However I was fortunate to be given inheritance that I would never have honestly have been able to save myself. (That said he himself has also amassed a decent amount of savings towards the future)

We had been together quite a long time when it happened and tbh our plans were always to buy together anyways. However at no point since he has know about this has he treated me worse or different, he certainly hasn't expected me to suddenly pay for everything. We still try and split it fairly where we can (eg takeaways/shopping etc). I recognise that his income will make it more likely we will be able to afford a mortgage but equally he relalises what I put in from inheritance will also have a significant effect on how much said mortgage is.

It's give and take (and obv going forward there would be legal protections ring fencing amounts) but if your partner has this attitude already now I worry about how it will be going forwards for you

Did you at least have the balls to ask him to split the takeaway costs?

This is a lesson for you for the future.
Don't disclose your financial situation to people in general including boyfriends!
It will lead to resentment if you have more money than them and it will change the nature of your relationship with them.
A good lesson to learn now!

A new boyfriend isn't worth this kind of mental gymnastics. Tell him you can't take him home, you have plans. Part ways and move on.

Just to answer some questions (and sorry for any confusion), he does drive. He just prefers not to own a car as he lives and works near the city center, so he doesn’t see the point in spending money on a car. He said it wouldn’t be a problem when we met because he’d get the train to see me.

We both have our own houses (mortgaged)

He earns 45k and I earn 32k. I have 12k left in savings (after doing some repairs on my house etc). I’m not sure how much he has. He currently has debt from his marriage. They were together for 8 years but only married for 1, so he’s still paying off his share of the wedding.

I have no problem travelling to see him. I love spending time with him and we always have a lovely time together. I do love him. But yes, it can be a long trip when I’m not expecting it, like on the weekends when he’s suppose to come to me. I don’t mind giving him lifts occasionally (like I did in before), just not all the time.

Yes, I realise it was a mistake to tell him how much I had. I didn’t think it through, but it’s a lesson learned.

But you have to do the journey twice when you are driving. Did you agree to it? I would have just queried what was wrong with the train. You might be overthinking it, but time will tell.

No he hasn’t, that was the first time.