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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend wants me to pay

322 replies

wineosaurusrex · 10/10/2025 00:06

Friend moved away from our city and left a couple of suitcases of clothes at my house as she had too much to carry on the plane. It was an international move. I agreed to post later.

Now she's settled she wants me to post her the bags. I said okay and got some quotes (using contacts she sent me) to send the bags. I let her know and asked her to send the money over.

She's got extremely angry and upset claiming that I should pay. She offered me less than half of the money as that's all she has available in her bank account of the country where i live, but is not offering to wire any money over.

She's claiming i repeatedly promised i would pay (which i never, ever said - i was mortified when i found out she thought i was paying!). She has said really unkind things like "You're not keeping my stuff!" implying that i'm trying to steal it, and called me disorganized and forgetful for not having posted it (when the real reason is that I just need the money in advance!). She became very angry when i said im sorry for any misunderstanding but i would never offer to pay, and told me i was calling her a liar. I had to temporarily block her as this all happened before 7:00 a.m and I was late for work because she wouldn't stop going on at me! I suffer from anxiety and it was horrendous to wake up and have to deal with this before work. I felt shaky and unwell all morning.

For reference its over £200 to send, she offered me around £60. I am a single mum of two living and working alone abroad whereas she is single, has no kids and lives rent-free in her family home. I am shocked that she not only thought i'd pay but became so aggressive when I said i couldn't afford to!

I have said i'll send it to another friend so they can send it to her but other friend is abroad at the moment and also feels that she should send the money so i'm not sure they will actually accept the bags when they return!

What would you do?

OP posts:
Puregoldy · 10/10/2025 07:09

Completely gaslighting you isn’t she. I wouldn’t engage with her anymore. Why on earth would you pay it’s not your stuff. You’re doing her a favour by keeping hold of it as she couldn’t. Tell her to come and collect it when she’s back as you’re blocking her.

Jodie782 · 10/10/2025 07:25

Does she have any friends or family in the same country as you?. I’d post it there and then ghost her completely!

Strawberry53 · 10/10/2025 07:27

As somebody who suffers from anxiety and hates falling out with people I feel for you OP.

Just keep telling yourself this is a her problem not a you problem. This is all about her and seems like she’s having some kind of breakdown because this behaviour is completely wild and unacceptable. Why on earth would you agree to pay for her items to be delivered to her?! It makes no logical sense so of course you wouldn’t have said that. She is just chancing her arm big time and being a manipulative bully.

Stand your ground, simply say you have until the end of the month to wire me the money to ship this if not I simply don’t have the space for it so will have to donate it to charity, and then once it’s done block her and move on with your life because you do not need “friends” like this.

Maraa · 10/10/2025 07:29

I’d agree to pay on the basis that she pays your storage fees of £200. She’s a cf, you’ve done nothing wrong

GAJLY · 10/10/2025 07:29

Vaxtable · 10/10/2025 01:00

I would send her a text saying that you did not say you would pay and you are amazed that after your generosity in holding the stuff for her she thinks you should

she need to send you the money to return the stuff to her by xx date, Imwould give up to 6 weeks, otherwise you will have to donate the stuff as you don’t have the room to store it indefinitely and you have contacted the other friend who also can’t afford to pay for it

then I would start to back away from the ‘friend’

Yes agree with this 👆

hattie43 · 10/10/2025 07:31

Why on earth would you pay her shipping costs , it’s obvious to anyone bags of stuff would be expensive . I would just wait until she has the money , she either pays or she doesn’t get her bags .

ACynicalDad · 10/10/2025 07:31

I’d tell her to book the collection and sending online and that you’ll dispose if it’s still with you on 1st Nov as you don’t want the clutter as you decorate for Christmas. A reasonable written deadline covers you in the unlikely event she tried to sue you.

mustytrusty · 10/10/2025 07:33

Send her back as much stuff as the money she gives you will pay for then charge her rent for the rest of the stuff still left at your house taking up space. Then stop calling her a friend as she isn’t one.

CoffeeCantata · 10/10/2025 07:35

She sounds bonkers!

Ball’s in her court, OP. If she wants her stuff back she’ll have to pay. If she persists in her entitlement I would warn her you’ll be adding storage charges since your offer to store her stuff was done on the basis of friendship, and she’s now shown herself to be nothing of the sort.

Neolara · 10/10/2025 07:35

Moveoverdarlin · 10/10/2025 00:38

Jane, these are your clothes and your problem. Why the fuck would I volunteer to spend £200 to post someone else’s clothes to another country? We’re friends but I’m not a total mug. I have been helping you out by storing them safely.

This is what is going to happen Jane. If you want the clothes, you need to transfer £200 in to my bank account and I will post them to you within 2 days. My cut off point is December 1st. If I haven’t received the money by then, they will be sent to the charity shop. Just remember Jane. Not my clothes, not my move to another country, not my problem.

This is completely perfect.

WanderleyWagon · 10/10/2025 07:37

If this was otherwise a reasonable person who had a track record of reasonable behavior and had been a good friend, I might go so far as to find out what weight I could ship for the £60 she is willing to pay, and support her in choosing which items she wanted shipped and which she wanted charity shopped.

BUT she is being so utterly batshit that I think it's very unlikely that she's otherwise a reasonable person who has been a good friend. Agree with others that you should give her a timeframe for either paying in full in advance with her own bank card in case of any sneaky customs charges or anything, or making other arrangements for the items to be picked up.

Not sure I would have the chutzpah to put things on Vinted as opposed to charity shop, but fair play to the PP who suggested it :)

QueenClinomania · 10/10/2025 07:37

Don't give in to a bully.

Tell her you did not tell her you would pay to ship her stuff and she either pays shipping or she arranges collection and if she sends you any more abuse you'll block her.

therole · 10/10/2025 07:37

FullOfLemons · 10/10/2025 00:53

I would ask her to arrange a courier to collect from either your property or the other friend

It puts the onus on the CF to arrange and pay

You have done enough.

yes this! All you should be doing is bag them up. She can book a courier online. If it’s not done by x date it goes to the charity shop

Concretejungle1 · 10/10/2025 07:39

Say she has 2 months from x date to either arrange courier or send you the money or you will get rid.
say you will not accept any abuse from her.
send it a few times. ( if you have her address send letter also) keep copies of text and letter. If she doesn’t get rid. You've given enough time already.

Tigerbalmshark · 10/10/2025 07:39

Christ, I’ve done a few international moves and shipping stuff overseas is not cheap! If only I had known that I could have dumped my stuff with an unsuspecting friend and told them to ship it for me! 🤣🤣🤣

She is being SO unreasonable OP. She can come back and get it herself if she doesn’t want to pay for shipping.

Fiftyandme · 10/10/2025 07:40

Tell her to get stuffed. And to organise her own shipping.

She can book a courtier service to then ship it ir put it in storage.

Tell her she’s got until 1 month from now - so X date and after that you will be disposing of the items. Then block her.

She’s obviously unhinged. And she’s no friend.

Southshore18 · 10/10/2025 07:42

tell her to arrange a courier collection from your home by X date. If not collected, you will dispose of her stuff.

cut her off then. Nobody needs friends like that.

Navigatinglife100 · 10/10/2025 07:42

Block her and tell her she knows where her stuff is if she wants to collect it. Or knows your details if she wants to send the money to send it on.

Bestfootforward11 · 10/10/2025 07:44

why on earth does she think it would be even vaguely reasonable that you would have agreed to pay for her stuff to be delivered? She’s talking nonsense and trying to bully you into it. Other posters have given some great ideas of what to message her. I just wanted to say don’t doubt yourself for a minute. This person is not a friend in any sense of the word. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable- she is gaslighting, bullying, selfish, and disrespectful. The fact you are even wondering whether you should pay shows what a toxic person she is to have manipulated you into that. You are clearly a kind person who wants to do the right thing. The right thing here is not to pay for it. I send you a hug, it hugely stressful to have this pressure and toxicity piled on you in this way and she is certainly not a friend.

Sienna61 · 10/10/2025 07:44

Sell the contents and use the proceeds to send her the empty case. Then block her and move on with your life in peace.

pizzaHeart · 10/10/2025 07:46

Kimura · 10/10/2025 03:33

Incredibly you can't always do this with someone's property you've agreed to look after without jumping through some legal hoops, or you risk leaving yourself open to a civil claim!

OP - Maybe your friend has genuinely misremembered the arrangement, or maybe they're trying it on. Either way, you should send her a very short email giving her four options.

1 - You will post the items as soon as you receive the full amount you previously quoted (make sure it's tracked/signed for!)

2 - Your friend can arrange a courier to collect on a convenient day (list some)

3 - Your friend can arrange another friend to collect on a convenient day.

4 - Your friend can give you written (email/text) permission to dispose of the goods.

You must also give them a deadline to recover/abandon the goods, and clearly state that they will be sold or disposed of after that date.

There's no defined amount of time you're obliged to look after the property, but you must give the owner 'reasonable' notice to collect. If your friend is overseas, two weeks may not be enough. A month likely would be. After that you can dispose of or sell the items.

If you sell the items, you may deduct sale/storage fees, but the balance should be paid to the owner. Until the deadline passes, you are responsible for the items - if you leave them outside on your driveway for example, you would almost certainly be responsible if they were water damaged or stolen.

Show quote history

I would take notice of this ^ as your friend is clearly crazy.
So from now on I would communicate rather formally and non emotionally. I wouldn’t call her names or anything. I would remained her that you didn’t charge her for storage, and I would probably give her 6 weeks. J wouldn’t promise to sell things - too much hassle, just to drop them to the charity shop and yes I would find the shop which will give you a receipt or allows to do photos.

ThejoyofNC · 10/10/2025 07:46

Tell her to arrange a courier to collect them by X date or you're leaving them on the doorstep.

Don't send them yourself unless you've been through them and know exactly what's inside. Sounds sketchy to me that she doesn't want to be responsible for them. If there's anything illegal in there and you're the sender then you'll be the one in trouble.

pizzaHeart · 10/10/2025 07:48

Bestfootforward11 · 10/10/2025 07:44

why on earth does she think it would be even vaguely reasonable that you would have agreed to pay for her stuff to be delivered? She’s talking nonsense and trying to bully you into it. Other posters have given some great ideas of what to message her. I just wanted to say don’t doubt yourself for a minute. This person is not a friend in any sense of the word. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable- she is gaslighting, bullying, selfish, and disrespectful. The fact you are even wondering whether you should pay shows what a toxic person she is to have manipulated you into that. You are clearly a kind person who wants to do the right thing. The right thing here is not to pay for it. I send you a hug, it hugely stressful to have this pressure and toxicity piled on you in this way and she is certainly not a friend.

And of course @Bestfootforward11 is right - don’t doubt yourself even for a second you are in the right, your friend is manipulative bitch.

MikeRafone · 10/10/2025 07:49

Id text back

Its completely unreasonable to expect someone else to pay to post your belongings to you. I've kept your suitcases as a gesture of goodwill, its not and never has been my responsibility to pay to have them shipped and youre delusional if you think any friend is going to stump up £200 to have items not belonging to them moved. You either send the money for the shipping - and as another gesture of goodwill I will organise them to be shipped or I will take the items to a charity shop. It clear after this incident we will no longer remain friends.

ChikinLikin · 10/10/2025 07:50

Moveoverdarlin · 10/10/2025 00:38

Jane, these are your clothes and your problem. Why the fuck would I volunteer to spend £200 to post someone else’s clothes to another country? We’re friends but I’m not a total mug. I have been helping you out by storing them safely.

This is what is going to happen Jane. If you want the clothes, you need to transfer £200 in to my bank account and I will post them to you within 2 days. My cut off point is December 1st. If I haven’t received the money by then, they will be sent to the charity shop. Just remember Jane. Not my clothes, not my move to another country, not my problem.

This is perfect.
Send this.

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