To not pick my teen up from school when they’re ‘ill’

[scaredfriend]

I have recently started a new job that’s an hour away from home and my kids go to schools that are half an hour from home, but in the other direction. They’re teens - 15 and 13.

So far this term (a month in!) each child’s school has called to say my child is feeling unwell and could I collect. I questioned if they were really ill
and was told that the school can’t make that call but I needed to attend and collect them. So I had to excuse myself from work, undertake a 90 min drive to get them (from work to school) and a further 30 mins to get them home, followed by another 60 mins drive to return to work for a couple of hours. And I had to make 1/2 day up by working late for the rest of the week (fair enough).

I picked up DC2 because ‘they were feeling really sick’ only to get home and watch them raid the fridge and put the telly on. DC1 (different day) had a heavy cold but could’ve soldiered on as no temp, just snotty and coughing. They have paracetamol etc in their bag. Again I had to take hours away from my desk and make the time up for the second time in as many weeks. Not great.

School phoned again today. DC1 ‘is feeling dizzy’. I responded by saying that I really can’t leave work and so could school allow my DC to sit in the medical room / office until the end of the school day if they’re not well enough to go to the lesson. The reply was no - I need to collect.

I really don’t remember ever leaving school unwell when I was a similar age. Probably because it was pre mobile phones and difficult to contact my parents to collect during the day. But I do remember sitting on the sofas in the medical room with a blanket when I felt really rough. Lots of us did that.

School won’t allow children to leave without being collected - so even if I said ok, send them home, they can’t walk to the bus and get themselves home (as they would otherwise do at the end of the day). I have to leave work to collect.

AIBU? I’d understand for small children but I think my teens would be fine to stay in school.

Even when you can see the pattern, it can be hard to make the judgement call; if you are too dismissive of what turn out to be genuine symptoms, there will be serious percussions.
One of my form (Year 4, so obviously needed collecting) took to feeling poorly every Wednesday afternoon. We suspected that this was i) because this was the day that he was timetabled to spend most of his time with another (very nice) member of staff, who by mutual agreement covered all of his History lessons; easier to try it on with another teacher than form teacher; I myself would err on the side of caution if it was a child not in my form, and ii) Wednesdays were his regular contact day with Dad, who tended more to indulgence, and I suspect was more easily able to leave his workplace, having the freedom of action of a more senior member of staff.
So he would spend some time in the school's pleasant reception area, until Dad came for him and he could spend a cosy afternoon on the sofa.
Always better by Thursday, mind you; sterner Mum and double Games period; he fancied himself as a talented footballer.
It caught up with him when end of term reports came round. After discussing the matter with me, the History teacher courteously declined to post a report, as she had seen so little of him, and no body of work for assessment. Then a football squad was being selected, on a Wednesday, for an away match on Thursday, parental permission obviously needed for travel to the opposing school. The Games teacher said that, however good a player he might be, he couldn't chance him being back and match-fit or not.
Mum had not realised the extent of the lead-swinging, and I think words were spoken.

tell sch. to phone your DH?
is there any pattern to the days taken off?

I remember my half brother breaking his arm in the mid 1970's. We had no house phone. A teacher had to walk around to tell my Mother. I normally came home for my lunch so had to stay for the first time (traumatic...) while she went with him to the hospital to have it put in a plaster cast. Dad worked full time but no question of bothering him. My Mum actually worked a number of part time jobs so they were just lucky to catch her between care work & cleaning work.

Nope. This is on your kids, not the school. They’re not medical professionals and as such, they aren’t equipped to make decisions on who is actually well and who isn’t. It’s up to you to set those boundaries with your kids-the boy who cried wolf etc.
Can you imagine the uproar if a school took it upon themselves to decide that a child was well enough for lessons and that child subsequently became very ill?
If you go to collect next time this happens, make the call in the car park and turf them back in the door if you think they’re faking.

It's the attitude of some parents
I have informed the school
I am not to be contacted

so your job is more important than ours?

you'd have the first aid room full of kids. And you have to take kids at their word, can't accuse them of lying.
Schools can't win
They are not childcare providers.

What on earth possessed you to take a job so far from your kids? Just because they’re in high school doesn’t mean that they’re never unwell and need to go home.

You’re their mother, you chose to take a job a crazy amount from home so suck it up and do your job as their mother, nothing else is more important that your kids well being.

This is a parenting problem, not a school problem.

Did you miss the part where she explained that her DH is currently working away from home in another country? What would be the point in phoning him?

Yes some jobs are more important than others. Surely you understand that?
And some jobs you just wouldn't be able to physically leave in good time for instance if you are a train driver in the middle of a journey.. or you're at a meeting 3 hours away..

And if schools aren't childcare then they can bloody well let the teenage kids go home by themselves with a cold can't they?
I do not understand why they can't just get permission from the parents for the kids to leave if it's only a minor issue? The kids got there alone and will be going home alone in a few hours..

Perhaps he wanted to spend more time with his Dad?

Lol tell your children not to be sick at school

Wtf?
I'm sorry 1950s called and it wants its attitudes to women back

I think this is the thing though- they're not medical professionals and not equipped to make decisions on who is well - but that doesn't stop them when the reverse is happening does it? Parents used to be able to ring up and say kid is sick, see you when they're better. Now the schools/DofE are putting pressure on to send kids in, school will decide, blah blah blah...

it's frustrating because they seem to want it all their own way. They won't take our word for it that we know when our children are too unwell for school, in EITHER direction!

I usually just ask them to put my child on the line when they phone. Fair enough the teachers can't tell my child to suck it up and get on with it - but I can! And if they're really unwell, I can usually tell.

Very occasionally I'll tell them to try and carry on, and then I'll get another call an hour later saying they're really not well- fair enough, I'll go and collect them.

This.

Of course they can't have someone look after them at school or try to assess if they need to leave or not. If a kid says they are ill a teacher has to believe them so teach your kids some resilience, tell them to stop skiving and maybe have a back up plan with friends and family if they do need collecting.

Train drivers really not a good example 😂
trains are frequently cancelled as a driver has had to leave/late/unavailable.

Schools generally don't have medics.

see also: Safeguarding.

as I said, schools can't get it right.
no one posting will change their mind.

As a child I tried to fake a temperature by dipping the thermometer into the spout of a recently-boiled kettle. It shattered, I put it in my mouth and got my day off school sitting in Casualty with suspected mercury poisoning. Sorry, Mum.

Train drivers often cover long routes. Many just aren't going to even be able to get back to area before the end of the school day anyway, even if they can just leave there and then. They'd have to wait for another train going back!! They won't have cars with them!
My point is it's actually only a small number of jobs you could just leave if you got a phone call from school, and be there in 30 mins to collect the kid no bother.
I have never been able to just leave my job. I work nights not so it's not relevant. But when I worked days we couldn't even have phones on us and there's safe staffing levels. So even if we managed to see the school message on a break off the unit (which often you do not manage to get) you then have to wait for them to find a replacement to cover you. Which can be hours if they can find one at all. And it's a legal requirement. It's not just that you'd get fired, you run the risk of going to jail if you just walk off knowing leaving the unit with usafe staffing levels.
My DH also does a similar job.

In a real emergency they will try and support you getting out of there but it can take hours.

This, OP. As a secondary teacher, the school's policy sounds mad. What would they do if no one was available to collect or pick up - call the police for child abandonment?

Alternatively tell them you can't collect, understand child can't sit in the office for a whole day but will need to soldier on in lessons and call you back if they have a fever.

This is interesting because I’m a teacher and parent but I’m in Ireland and we don’t seem to have the same pressure that you do in the UK. If a parent says a child is sick, they’re marked absent and unless there are repeated instances (20+ days), very little is done about it. We don’t require doctor’s certs or anything, My son’s school would have the same attitude-if I say he’s sick, that’s it. But I do see where your frustration would come from.

You're a teacher?

Parents have responsibility even when kids are at school. If the parent can't collect they should have someone who can.

I'm not advocating skiving but as many have said the issue is the kids and the parents lack of back up plan, not the school and I'm usually the last to defend school's policies and procedures.

Why are they not allowed to leave school and make their own way home? After all, they can leave and catch a bus to travel home after school finishes?

I don’t see why you can’t phone or email the school giving them permission to leave?

Nobody bothered much when I was at secondary if you decided to bunk off home for the afternoon. 🤷🏻‍♀️

lol this is bollocks. Parents can work where they like but they need to make sure there is a back up plan in case this happens. It’s part of parenting. Both parents. Not just mothers.

You need a back up plan though! You can’t just swan off to work and hope for the best then moan when they inevitably become unwell at some point.

Where do you draw the line?

DD1 fell playing basketball at school. The school rang me up to say, an experienced nurse and doctor had examined her. (The school had an onsite medical centre with its own nurses, neurological registrars and consultant neurologists) Her shoulder was hurting and they gave her ibuprofen.

When I went to pick her up, I could tell just by taking one look at her face, that the pain she was in, signalled a fracture. I took her to A & E, where x rays showed a badly fractured collarbone, and they had to have a meeting to discuss pinning it.

The school didn’t show any common sense did they, because severe pain was written all over her face? I don’t think they did a visual pain assessment chart with her, because she would have pointed to 10/10!