AIBU not wanting to take my toddler to a non childproof house?

[Gracexoxo]

Just wondering what other toddler parents think of this situation, my little boy is 21 months and my currently childfree friend (although is now expecting) think I’m being completely unreasonable to not want to take my toddler to her boyfriends mums house (where she lives) and always want her to come to my house. She thinks I’m not making any effort and am making excuses, but it’s not that at all, I have tried to explain to her it’s due to her house not being toddlerproof, maybe this seems silly to someone who has never had a toddler before as I know I had absolutely no idea how much a small human changes and can dictate how you live your life🤣There is no stairgate on the stairs, there is ornaments everywhere in reach of little hands, last time we went my toddler destroyed a candle, three food all over the floor and sofa. I find the whole situation extremely stressful as I have to watch him like a hawk whilst being told ‘to just relax and sit down’ impossible when you have a toddler running around someone else’s house, made worse by the fact it’s not even my friends house it’s his mums house and all of her stuff. Although the whole family have said there don’t mind at all, it doesn’t make it any less stressful or embarrassing. I do understand she probably doesn’t realise how situations make you feel as a parent when it’s actually your child causing carnage!!

I have also explained it’s easier if she comes here as my toddlers toys are here and it will be easier for us to chat as my house is toddlerproof and he has lots to do to keep him entertained! It’s also hard as she lives 45 mins away from me and to incorporate travelling there around his nap time which is usually about 12-2, so that means not getting there until 3, she wants to me stay and eat dinner but my child will then fall asleep in the car on the way back, every parents worst nightmare am I right?🤣Please let me know if you think I being unreasonable? Obviously once she has her own baby, she will also have toys and a more child friendly home environment so things will be easier.

All my other friends are happy to come to mine everytime without question, as it’s just easier and less chaotic for everyone involved!

She said she is 23 weeks pregnant and is big and uncomfortable, which is the main reason she now wants me to go to hers, yet she manages to drive to my town for her hair appointments and came here to go for a meal out the other weekend, so I struggle to believe she feels too uncomfortable to drive, especially at only 23 weeks with a small bump. I do understand the pregnancy tiredness obviously, I just said to her it’s just how life is at the moment so maybe we just need to leave it for now🤷🏼‍♀️

Ah now we're getting to it

I totally understand your worries,but you can't reasonably expect someone who doesn't have small children living in their house to arrange it so it's toddler proof. I remember years ago when my SIL used to visit (always uninvited and unannounced) with her 2 boys,who were several years younger than my DD. The first thing she'd do on arrival would be to go around moving ornaments or anything that she deemed a risk to a 1 year old and a 3 year old. It really used to annoy me! I wouldn't have minded so much if she'd been invited or phoned to check it was OK to visit,but to just turn up then start rearranging my flat pissed me off big time. By the way,I'm not implying that this is what YOU do at your at your friend's mum's s house!

I can honestly say the only piece of child-proofing equipment I’ve ever purchased is a stair gate. A nearly 2 year old is more than old enough to be taught ‘no’. The later drip feed is a bit irrelevant as if they were serious concerns you’d have put them in your first post, surely?
Honestly I couldn’t be arsed with the friendship at this moment if I was your friend. Lots of excuses for very few actual issues.

The poster wasn’t ’bringing a toddler down’ - they were, quite logically, pointing out something that makes no sense.
I also wondered how a toddler can be doing phonics whilst not understanding the word ‘no’.

You just need to actually watch him why you are there. Why should your friend drive 2 hours everytime to see you

It's the dogs that are the issue, not the fact that the house isn't childproof. No idea why you led with things like ornaments and candles rather than the dangerous dogs. Am sure your friend would understand that better and she may be able to suggest a solution eg that the dogs are shut away.

On the childproofing, they have told you that they don't mind a bit of mess and chaos so believe them. It's not fair to insist your pregnant friend travels to you every time just because you are projecting your own discomfort onto them.

For anyone struggling with comprehension, I would like to confirm on behalf of my toddler that he very much understands the word “no”, he should do - he says it 30 times a day. He just doesn’t always listen and respond to the word no when told it. I.e. - a one year old child doesn’t always do what they’re told. Come on people it’s really simply

Can you not tell from my post I’ve been there before? I’ve seen the girl 5 times this year, 3 of which she came to mine, the other time I went baby shopping for her baby with her and the last time was when I went to theirs. She was supposed to be coming to mine last week but cancelled as she didn’t want to drive in the wind, so we planned to go to Sealife this upcoming weekend (her choice of location) she’s then asked today if I can go round Friday too as she has the day off.

Can you not tell from my post I’ve been there before? I’ve seen the girl 5 times this year, 3 of which she came to mine, the other time I went baby shopping for her baby with her and the last time was when I went to theirs. She was supposed to be coming to mine last week but cancelled as she didn’t want to drive in the wind, so we planned to go to Sealife this upcoming weekend (her choice of location) she’s then asked today if I can go round Friday too as she has the day off.

Yes I can tell that. I've referred in my post to things you say happened on previous trips there. What's your point?

I feel so sorry for mums these days. You’re all told to be afraid of everything. Just keep an eye on the kid in an unfamiliar environment and it’ll be fine.

I can see both sides op.
Your friend thinks they are putting in all the effort which is obviously annoying them.
You can’t relax when you visit her, yes toddlers do need watching all the time so I can see your reason for not going.
You are not going expecting others to baby proof their house either, you are being realistic.
Yes it’s easier and probably more sensible for your friend to visit you but I can see how it would annoy her

They’ll get more dangerous with every post so by the end they’ll be giant unneutered Xl bullies 🙄. Doesn’t change things though. OP is selfish and a crap friend.

oh get a grip😂😂I didn’t mention it as my friend said that can be put in the garden, it just seems unlikely they will be kept in the garden for hours on end especially as they bark constantly, which she always moans about! I’ve seen the girl 5 times this year, 3 of which she’s travelled to me the other time I went to her and the other we met at a shopping centre halfway. So I would not say it’s completely one sided considering she’s only made one extra trip to my end?

OF COURSE, if I was seeing her weekly or even monthly and she was coming to mine every single time I would completely understand where she is coming from.

That's not only one extra trip. What maths did you use for that?

Well yes it is, re do your maths. She’s been to me three times, I’ve been to her once and the other we met halfway to do baby shopping for her baby? That’s five trips in total. So yes she has only made one extra trip than I have?

Not sure about that OP, I'm pretty certain 3 (her trips) minus 1 (your trip) is 2?

Let's face it the real issue for you is the dogs plus you can't be really be bothered, and she's become exasperated because she can pretty much smell it coming off you? Hence all the 'well let's leave it then' from her?

Yes YABU, and I say this also as the parent of a wild toddler.

You still have to make the effort to go to your friend, especially when she is pregnant & when she has a newborn. Doing what is easier for you all the time is selfish and has no place in a healthy friendship.

I wouldn't go round, it doesn't suit you right now. If it doesn't suit your friend she cancels. Do what works for both of you when it suits you both. I went to a friend's house who's baby was little and house didn't need childproofing yet but my baby was mobile and it was just about chasing her, keeping her safe and their possessions undamaged. When I got a chance to sit down I could finally pick at the sushi rush mushed into the rug while my friend talked in my direction. Not the relaxing social occasion I hoped for

You sound very inflexible and precious, to be honest, expecting everything to revolve around your child. I was a single parent too, with a toddler and a baby, and our house wasn't "toddler proof", let alone anyone else's. If he sleeps in the car, so what? Just carry him to bed when you get home. And take a couple of his toys with you when you go to your friend's house - what's so hard about that?

Yanbu. Some toddlers are just... a lot. It doesn't last for too long. You are doing your best. It will get better.

So just tell her no. You've explained. You've tried. You are making the right call. You are wise to the chaos that can happen with your dc at their current stage of development.

Someday - soon! - your little terror will be safe in other people's homes. Until then, you decide which places are just too much of a risk.

It's maths, but it's not correct maths.

I don't understand the "tone" you use re a so-called friend.
The way you've explained things, your tone suggests you possibly think she wbu by "not wanting to drive in the wind" last weekend. In reality, there were amber weather warnings, trees down, roads closed - she was sensible not to drive to see a pal.

Secondly, it's weird that you keep doubling down on the tally of how often you've gone to see each other - especially since you going to hers once and then meeting half way are not at all equal to her driving to yours 3 times.

As people have suggested perhaps meet in a park, farm where your lo will be entertained and lot less stressful for you.