Husband walked out on me and our kids in foreign country

[Sillysalamander]

I live abroad as my husband is Aus military. I have 2 under the age of 3. We moved here several years ago because my husband got stationed back here. We met in the UK. I have dual citizenship as do my children.

I developed pretty bad postpartum OCD and depression and my husband was awful to me both times. I chalked the first time up to us both being new parents and not having any support close by. But the second confirmed to me I just married a non empathetic not particularly kind person. Being screamed at that I’m ’mentally retarded’ because the first night home with my second I was cleaning up after him and his family (he had his sister reorganizing my kitchen and bathroom and staying in our messy spare room) and broke down, was when I stopped really liking him at all. We have limped along since but we aren’t friends, he’s not nice to me at all and yesterday night he walked out after an argument.

My eldest toddler had an accident yesterday at nursery (covid and a bug are going around atm) and so I cleaned the car seat and the house where she had walked in her dirty socks with soap and bleach. That may seem like overkill to some but bleach is the only thing that kills stomach viruses.

He absolutely lost it at me and started shouting in front of the kids that I am a fucked up stupid retard, that I have Down syndrome (I’m horrified even writing that as a close friends baby has DS and is a wonderful and much loved child I’m grateful to know). And he said I’m destroying his lungs and he walked out. My baby is unbothered but my 3yr old cried herself to sleep and kept asking for Daddy.

As he left I pointed out he could have just left as he is often on work trips or working late anyway and the kids would have been none the wiser. But I can’t get over or forgive how emotionally abusive this is to my 3yr old who has done nothing wrong but is worried having an upset tummy accident has caused this. Of course I’ve reassured her it hasn’t. My husband barely cleans and I’m often on his case about washing hands after nappy changes etc and he’s exploded about it. It’s not the kids fault.

He’s said I can just move back to the uk and he will see the kids a few times a year (yeah right, when it suits him I’m sure), but if I come back I will be starting from complete scratch. My Mum is dead and my Dad lives in a two bed flat with my brother who is also very abusive and mentally unwell (schizophrenic and bipolar and not safe to have my two children around).

Im just wondering what my next steps should be. I would work, just would need some support to get back on my feet. I’d get around 30,000 Aus from savings too. I don’t have car access or real family help in the UK but my dad is elderly but would try to help we just can’t live there.

I guess I feel numb, maybe a bit surprised but also kind of weirdly don’t care. I know I’m AIBU so I’m likely to get flamed for the cleaning or be told he’s having an affair but nothing justifies the way he’s treated my daughter or walking out like a baby having a temper tantrum. Thank you for letting me vent! And no I haven’t heard from him or contacted him.

Christ, OP. Are you safe right now? Can he get back in? I have no real advice beyond perhaps if there are any support spaces for families of armed services in Australia. They may be able to help.

I think that you need a few days just to breathe and take stock. Just protect yourself re joint bank accounts. Heavy future planning can wait for now.

Oh gosh how awful for you all, I’m so sorry you’ve been through all of this OP
forget about that abusive piece of shit, wherever you are in the world he’s unlikely to bother with the kids and by the sounds of it that would be healthier for them than having much contact
id get in touch with womens aid in the uk for advice x

I'm so sorry, OP. I didn't want to read and run so just offering a virtual hand hold.

You're not being unreasonable at all OP! I'm so sorry, it sounds like you've really struggled postpartum, and your husband sounds like a total arsehole! I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, as it's thankfully a long time since I was in an unhappy marriage, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, and I feel sure that later on in the day (it's currently 1.30am here) you will have more people come along, who can offer you advice.

Can you talk to local DV services and see what support is available to leave? The number is 1800 RESPECT. If you check the White Ribbon website they have a list of hotlines available in Aus.

Also I agree with the previous poster, see if there is an organisation that supports army spouses locally.

I have had a quick google. There is a fb page for defence spouses but that’s probably a bit public for you now.

So, try the phone numbers on here https://www.army.gov.au/about-us/army-corps/royal-australian-army-chaplains-department.

I also found this but if you do go back to the UK, his wage will be garnished in dollars but received in pounds so you will lose 50% in exchange rates. https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/paying-child-support-when-other-parent-lives-outside-australia?context=21911

Gosh! You have been through so much and he sounds appalling. On the plus side, you are a survivor.

I think you know that you and your kids are going to be safer, mentally and physically, without him and I feel certain that you can do this.

As PP said, act now to secure your savings eg get whatever you are going to need from any joint accounts moved into your personal account and contact Women's Aid or whatever is the Australian equivalent so that you can make a plan with them for you and your children to leave safely, as I assume that you are going to need to establish yourself independently in Oz while you organise moving back to the UK where you and your children can benefit from your Dad's support and maybe reestablish contact with UK friends.

Good luck OP. Come back and tell us how you get on.

Sending you a hug op. He’s a shit - you do not need to justify cleaning up etc at all. He’s abusive and it’s clear from your post you are living walking on eggshells. Speak to women’s aid. Get your money sorted out; get away from this horrible person as soon as you can.
best of luck to you xxx

Op it sounds like hes done you a favour walking out.

Your a military wife do they have any family officers who can help support you?

Are you able to return to the UK with the kids, you don't have issues with him not letting them leave the country
I think id try to get back to the UK ASAP. Even if it means the council putting you into a BnB or going to a Womans Aid shelter.

I don't mean to scare you but I know an American woman currently trapped in the UK because the Dad won't let the kids leave.

Exactly what I was was wondering @Needspaceforlego.

I’m not well informed about the legalities, but could it create problems with your children’s residency if you go back to Australia? Would it be better to come straight to the UK so they don’t have any established residency in OZ.

You need to seek legal advice, because you def. don’t want to become stuck in Australia with no support. 💐

Stay safe firstly.

Secondly, have you got any evidence of his abuse and telling you to leave? If so can you secure it in case it is needed for legal reasons. Get legal advice re The Hague Convention. But please stay safe as he sounds frightening.

You poor thing. Are you safe?

I am in the UK but found these in case they help.

Military families can get free help here:
https://www.openarms.gov.au

There are also other sources of financial and emotional help:
https://whiteribbon.org.au/helplines

Emergency legal support and securing vital documents such as passports would be a priority once you’re safe. Do you have passports for the children? Hopefully one of the legal helplines can put you in touch with a family lawyer asap.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Do confide in someone you can trust in real life if you can, for support. 💐

That sounds awful OP and is abuse.

There must be some support for military spouses so don’t be embarrassed to ask and explain what he’s like. He might even get the help needed to stop being abusive - too late for you now possibly but would improve the co-parenting.

Apart from your dad and brother do you have strong family and friend support in the UK? I get the desire to want to come back but if there’s no more support than you’ve got in Australia, it might be worth leaving him but staying there.

If you like the country, climate and have friends in Aus it could well be better than returning to the UK. At the very least you’d get financial support from him and the children would have (hopefully) a better relationship with him. You’ll be starting over in both places so choose the one you’d prefer to live in and make home.

Wishing you all the best - it will get better for you, it’ll just be a tough road right now.

He does sound awful. Can you come to the uk and rent somewhere. Start fresh in a new place.
You dont have to live near your dad.
Also to much bleach is awful for children's lungs. Bleach in general is. Do you not have a standard detol you can use? It kills germs and isn't as bad for lungs . Im only saying this as I know someone with ocd and they dont seem to notice the bleach smell anymore. They use it so excessively .

Bleach is the cleaning method recommended for norovirus and c. difficile so op was treating appropriately. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-clean-up-after-norovirus Immediate use in a well ventilated space won’t harm her children.

Take him up on it. Get the fuck away from that guy. I wouldn’t want my kids around someone so explosive.

Call centerlink and see what your entitled too. You’ll get more support from Aus government than British.

What a dreadfully unhappy situation you find yourself in, I’m so sorry. Your husband has let you see the real him, in fact by the sound of it he ‘insists’ you see the real him….and it’s that far from pleasant, loving, supportive and respectful it’s unbelievable.

It’s all sounding very complex, and being so far from your Father who’s in the UK. I guess you’ve got to ask yourself do you want to return to the UK, do you want to stay with H, separate from yr H and then stay in Oz. Once you decide it’s time to begin wkg on your leave.

I wish you well, truly, no one should be expected to put up with nastiness such as he dishes out, no one.

Even if that WASN'T witnessed by your 3 year old, even if you didn't have kids and it was just you, you still need to leave him anyway because he's a vulgar, nasty, bullying absolute knob of a man and YOU don't deserve any of that.

He’s fucking horrible and it’s awful for your kids now but the damage he would inflict if he stayed would be worse. He’s a POS, it looks like there is help available, good luck OP. Do you have any friends you can reach out to where you are?

I would take him up on his offer and return to the U.K. immediately, you are way too vulnerable there. At least here you do have some family you can lean on, plenty of charities etc and you will be safe..

I would ask him by text or email if he is happy to visit a few times a year - and then you have evidence of permission. Fly home now before he changes his mind.

The weirdly numb feeling is your subconscious brain realising that him leaving is the best thing for you, before your conscious brain gets there.

Do you want to live in the uk? If so, id get out of oz and back to the uk with both kids before he changes his mind about agreeing to it. Moving internationally with both kids if he opposes it will be almost impossible.

Do you have any old friends in the uk, as well as your dad? Get in touch with them asap, lots of them will want to help.

In terms of what to do from a practical perspective, straight away I would change the address on any uk stuff to your dad’s (with his permission) - bank account, driver’s license, credit card etc. You will need proof of address and a credit score for moving. If you don’t have anything like that in the uk any more, work out how to get it. Eg dad can change one of the bills to your name, then you can use that as proof of address to open a bank account. Then you can use the bank account as proof of address for everything else.

Then I’d look for a small, cheap 1 bedroom Airbnb near your dad for the three of you for three months and get flights and Airbnb booked on the earliest possible date. Once that is done you’ve got a safe base to start from.

Then I would look for some sort of childcare solution for the kids, within walking distance of the Airbnb (so realistically you need to look at the two things in tandem). Ask them about waiting lists etc. The kids need to be in childcare at least a couple of mornings a week so that you can get stuff sorted.

Do you currently work? If so I would ask them about the possibility of working remotely? Obviously with the time difference it wouldn’t be ideal, but it would tide you over. If you don’t I would start applying now for jobs in your field. And looking at temporary jobs too. Use your dads address for applying. You need any sort of job asap because you’ll need some sort of work history to rent somewhere, so I’d take something even if it isn’t ideal.

First priorities once you get back in the uk is to work out what you can access in terms of state help, and to find somewhere permanent to live.

Hopefully by the time you get to the end of the first three months you’ll have a home, a job and childcare sorted out. I did this sort of international move on my own with two preschool children and it’s beyond stressful, but 5 years on we are happy, settled and it was the right choice for our family.

I can’t grasp how someone like this was ever a nice person. He must have been one hell of an actor pre children

* he will see the kids a few times a year (yeah right, when it suits him I’m sure)*

id be cracking open the champagne about his disinterest in my children