Husband walked out on me and our kids in foreign country

[Sillysalamander]

I live abroad as my husband is Aus military. I have 2 under the age of 3. We moved here several years ago because my husband got stationed back here. We met in the UK. I have dual citizenship as do my children.

I developed pretty bad postpartum OCD and depression and my husband was awful to me both times. I chalked the first time up to us both being new parents and not having any support close by. But the second confirmed to me I just married a non empathetic not particularly kind person. Being screamed at that I’m ’mentally retarded’ because the first night home with my second I was cleaning up after him and his family (he had his sister reorganizing my kitchen and bathroom and staying in our messy spare room) and broke down, was when I stopped really liking him at all. We have limped along since but we aren’t friends, he’s not nice to me at all and yesterday night he walked out after an argument.

My eldest toddler had an accident yesterday at nursery (covid and a bug are going around atm) and so I cleaned the car seat and the house where she had walked in her dirty socks with soap and bleach. That may seem like overkill to some but bleach is the only thing that kills stomach viruses.

He absolutely lost it at me and started shouting in front of the kids that I am a fucked up stupid retard, that I have Down syndrome (I’m horrified even writing that as a close friends baby has DS and is a wonderful and much loved child I’m grateful to know). And he said I’m destroying his lungs and he walked out. My baby is unbothered but my 3yr old cried herself to sleep and kept asking for Daddy.

As he left I pointed out he could have just left as he is often on work trips or working late anyway and the kids would have been none the wiser. But I can’t get over or forgive how emotionally abusive this is to my 3yr old who has done nothing wrong but is worried having an upset tummy accident has caused this. Of course I’ve reassured her it hasn’t. My husband barely cleans and I’m often on his case about washing hands after nappy changes etc and he’s exploded about it. It’s not the kids fault.

He’s said I can just move back to the uk and he will see the kids a few times a year (yeah right, when it suits him I’m sure), but if I come back I will be starting from complete scratch. My Mum is dead and my Dad lives in a two bed flat with my brother who is also very abusive and mentally unwell (schizophrenic and bipolar and not safe to have my two children around).

Im just wondering what my next steps should be. I would work, just would need some support to get back on my feet. I’d get around 30,000 Aus from savings too. I don’t have car access or real family help in the UK but my dad is elderly but would try to help we just can’t live there.

I guess I feel numb, maybe a bit surprised but also kind of weirdly don’t care. I know I’m AIBU so I’m likely to get flamed for the cleaning or be told he’s having an affair but nothing justifies the way he’s treated my daughter or walking out like a baby having a temper tantrum. Thank you for letting me vent! And no I haven’t heard from him or contacted him.

She needs to use the element of surprise to get them out of the country. Whether that’s Australia or a third country. That’s why I think that you should carry on as normal while you get passports and flights sorted. Or, if possible, leave with his permission for a return trip and don’t come back. They may ask you for a letter of permission at the airport to travel with his children . It’s probably good to get return tickets to help reduce this possibility if you are going without telling him. You have to be able to predict whether he will turn on you if he knows you are leaving him, and in what ways. If there is any chance of him using the children to hurt you (even if he has little actual interest in the children right now), then get yourself and them out of the country before he realises you are leaving him.

Does aus army have family support officer or something?

Find your options. I think british army give you 6 months in married accomadation to sort things out while spouse lives in single quarters.

Don't feel forced to come back to uk if you dont want to. Build your own life in Australia if thats an option

My situation with 2 under 3 was so similar. Right down to the stomach virus, him not being able to breathe because of my cleaning, the eldest feeling blamed for something completely normal, and the blatant abuse.

All I can tell you is that 6 years later (yes it took me 6 years to leave) we are not together and I have the strength and resources to be alone with the kids. It's a long road, especially if you have someone in your face every day telling you you're getting it wrong or you're the cause of the problems and no strong role models in the background like parents who can step in.

A few things - OCD behaviors or thoughts around the time of having kids is completely normal. Don't expect your brain to go back to normal and not be hyper focused on keeping everyone safe, until several years after the hormones stop actively flowing. You are right, d&v is super contagious and it is a nightmare, especially for the mother, when the whole family goes down with it. Not cleaning up in the way that you were would have led to even more contamination. Because he is not first in line to suffer the consequences, he doesn't see the point of cleaning.

I am making myself angry and triggering myself now as my situation was so similar to yours. All I can tell you is to hang in there. Watch videos and read about coerceive control, abuse and the mental load. Every time he is telling you "how it is" do not believe him. You will find it very hard but do not believe a word he says to you about you or about how what you're doing is wrong. Because you are vulnerable right now you feel like his support is your only option. I promise that it isn't

Definitely come back to the UK. Mainly because he sounds like an abusive dick so the more distance you put between you and your kids and him the better. His type will enjoy playing power games with you for as long as it amuses him.

I would personally take all the savings I could get my hands on (not just half)(if he kicks off tell him it’s for therapy for your 3 yr old, and/ or when he stops paying towards the kids, which he will) and get out before he changes his mind.

Then get a rental, ideally for 6 months, somewhere you want to live and look for good childcare and a job. Ideally try to get something with a decent salary so you can put your savings towards a deposit asap. But you should also be entitiled to some free childcare too now.

I'd also report his behaviour to his commanding officer. The military generally takes a dim view on soldiers who are abusive to their families and should take steps to protect and support you and your children. You can also have a look at this page which has some resources to support you including a helpline - https://www.defence.gov.au/adf-members-families/crisis-support/family-domestic-violence-support

What country are you in right now? I couldn't figure it out from your post.

I can see why you’d say this but this could be quite dangerous to do. It’s an escalation and she’s still living with him with her kids.

I’d “play nice” for as long as it took me to get the passports sorted, savings in my own hands and to get the kids out. Then once that was done and we were all safe I’d consider reporting etc.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Six years ago I had to leave another country with my newborn baby and come back to The UK as her dad was abusive. Luckily I wasn't living with him, but he knew where I was and was hanging around that area a lot. I came back with nothing -£80, nowhere to stay and minimal family support. I couldn't apply for benefits for the first three months without showing signs of habituak residency such as buying a TV, etc. Even though I had no money to do so. It was rocky at first but it all calmed down eventually. If you want any advice please feel free to DM me :)

R.e the childcare, possibly not for the first three months, because you have to prove habitual residency to be able to claim certain things. But definitely worth looking into. Not trying to rain on your parade just want the OP to know all the possible hurdles so she can plan properly.

I think your second paragraph is unfair.

Op was using bleach to clean faeces likely contaminated with a bug like noro. That isn’t symptomatic of OCD, it’s good sense and following guidelines. Noro is hard to kill and bleach solution is what is recommended. Her H kicked off at her completely unreasonably and now her DD associates her illness and toilet accident with her dad screaming at her mum and storming out. It’s a reaction to the H, not Op.

Yes, OCD should be treated, but the OCD isn’t particularly relevant in these circumstances. The abusive husband and father is.

OP I’m so sorry you’ve been going through all this. You sound amazing and so strong. Life has been tough and my heart goes out to you. Having two young children is hard at the best of times.

I would follow the advice on here about speaking to Women’s Aid and also those military support lines to get the factual info you need to equip yourself in terms of moving back to the UK with your two babies at soon as possible. Sorry I don’t have knowledge of that aspect but please seek that advice from the professionals / charities asap.

Once you are back, I wouldn’t worry too much about living near your father and brother - given your brother’s needs I don’t think it will be in yours or your children’s best interests to be close by actually. I speak as someone with zero wider family to support with young DC. It’s hard but it’s achievable. You have an opportunity here, given the DC ages to find a nice community you want to move to with a lovely primary school. Once they start primary school it is so much easier to build a network I’ve found - through the school itself and the other mums etc. Find a lovely school which has excellent support and community and get involved for when your 3yo starts.

Your DC need to you stay strong and leave Aus and build a lovely new life with them - and you deserve this too. Please once back in the UK access therapy for yourself either via GP or by Googling low-cost therapy in your new area.

xxx

I really don't want to be a negative Nancy but I just want the OP to know that she wouldn't get Universal Credit for the first three months unless she can really prove she had created permanent ties to the UK straight away. That also means no to a DV shelter as they use housing benefit to pay for it. I know because I was in the same situation and in that situation, if you came back with nowhere to go the council send you to social services who have to sort things out for the first three months. Which is also a fine option, but would like to warn OP that it may be best to fly into a completely different part of the UK away from her family, and settle down there as social services and council would most very likely try and put pressure on local family to help, despite the issues OP has stated about her brother being schizophrenic. I know because I went through the same thing, with my parents having bipolar, schizophrenia and an elderly grandparent with heart issues. If you fly into a UK airport with nowhere to go, the local authority of the airport have the responsibility to house and support the transition. My mistake was going from the airport to the council offices of where my family live as I thought it would be better to be supported somewhere familiar, not realising social services would try and house me with alcoholic and mentally unwell family members, which ended up being a massive stressful fight with them.

Some excellent advice on here. I hope you're safe @Sillysalamander ?

Just to point out that in itself, cleaning a floor with bleach after sick/diarrhoea and asking someone to wash their hands after changing nappies, are neither obsessions nor compulsions.

So sorry you're going through this. What do you want to do? Do you want to go back to the UK straight away? (With the Hague convention, if you DO want to move back to the UK now or ever, get organized, including receiving a letter from your partner to consent for the kids to leave the country). If it's safe, stay in the house but reach out to your local women's aid/charity for advice.

i am sorry, he sounds awful and you need to start to make a plan. But if you are all Australian citizens it’s not really a foreign country and you have the same access to help as anyone else in Australia. So what are your options? Walk out and go to a shelter? Is there public support you can access while you get organised? What resources are available as a military spouse?

I think to remove Australian children from Australia will need his permission - though doubt anyone would actually stop you at the airport it’s best to make sure he wouldn’t object. Honestly though if you have no support in either place why would you come back here? Just for the distance?

Don’t come back just because you’ve broken up, you can stay there and build a life without him in Australia. Only come back if you think it will be in your best interest. Do you have a job?

I think it very unlikely you would lose that much in exchange rates! My pension comes in from abroad and varies according to the exchange rate at the time. It also makes a difference which bank account it goes into. We have found Nationwide is good for receiving funds from abroad. They give a decent exchange rate and their fees are reasonable. Not all banks are the same.

100%. It’s basic hygiene.

Hi Op, some more resources in Australia:

https://yourtoolkit.com

Guide to leaving DV and great advice in one place.

Aust gov. services:

https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/where-to-get-help-for-domestic-violence?context=60033

This includes how to access an emergency crisis payment after leaving (you have to talk to a social worker). To access Aust gov. run 24/7 counselling and support, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.

State gov. services:

Victoria:
https://www.vic.gov.au/family-violence-statewide-support-services

NSW:
https://www.nsw.gov.au/community-services/domestic-and-family-support

QLD:
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/getting-support-health-social-issue/support-victims-abuse/need-to-know

https://www.families.qld.gov.au/our-work/domestic-family-sexual-violence/for-service-providers/brokerage-emergency-crisis-payment-arrangements#sectioncommonwealth-funding

SA:
https://www.sa.gov.au/topics/family-and-community/safety-and-health/domestic-violence-and-sexual-assault/support-services

WA:
https://www.wa.gov.au/organisation/department-of-communities/family-and-domestic-violence-helplines-and-support-services

Tasmania:
https://www.safeathome.tas.gov.au/services/victim-survivor-services

NT:
https://nt.gov.au/law/crime/domestic-family-and-sexual-violence

ACT:
https://www.act.gov.au/community/domestic-family-and-sexual-violence

In Australia, 40 financial institutions have joined a program to stop financial abuse and help domestic abuse victims fleeing. Please call your bank for advice The major banks have dedicated teams;

https://www.nab.com.au/about-us/sustainability/customer-community-support/domestic-family-violence

https://www.commbank.com.au/support/dv-assistance.html

https://www.anz.com.au/support/services/family-violence-and-financial-abuse/

https://www.westpac.com.au/help/support-with-tough-times/domestic-violence-and-financial-abuse/

https://www.bankofmelbourne.com.au/help/support-during-tough-times/domestic-violence-and-financial-abuse

The Australian Military Bank has a statement saying they are part for the program

https://www.australianmilitarybank.com.au/news/australian-military-bank-joins-the-respect-and-protect-campaign-to-tackle-financial-abuse

Also;

Australia Post will give people fleeing DV a free mail redirect or a free post box for 12 months

https://auspost.com.au/receiving/mail-redirection-mail-hold/redirection/special-circumstances

If you stay in Australia look into what the telephone and utilities companies can do for you as someone fleeing DV.

More helplines include:

https://whiteribbon.org.au/helplines/

https://www.openarms.gov.au

That's Aust. Veterans and Family counselling, including a hot line for families of military personnel who are experiencing domestic abuse.

Take Care X

(edit to try and get rid of visual for com bank)

It's not at all abnormal.. bleach kills norovirus, when we had a child on a playdate throw up I bleached the floor, sinks and taps, door handles etc. None of us caught it. Norovirus lives on surfaces so especially with young children floors are especially important to try and remove the virus from.

Thank you all.

My eldest has been up all night feeling unwell (it’s early am here) and so I’m giving her the day off to rest and recuperate.

My husband ended up coming home last night (I had posted at lunchtime our time yesterday about the previous nights BS and so he had spent a night at a friends and then come home after work) and I asked him to leave again, which he did.

He was actually crying when my daughter started crying that he had come home, but again I felt nothing for him only bitterness that he had upset my daughter so.

In terms of my OCD it developed when my first was born and was initially around us getting covid and then I caught E. coli right before my second pregnancy and so I became obsessed with food and toilet hygiene and trying to not get sick again as I was terrified of getting it in pregnancy. My dad flew out to see us when I was brand new postpartum and didn’t wash his hands after using the toilet and I absolutely lost it at him and bleached everything he has touched and I decided to get help then. My dad did apologise and admit it was gross but my reaction was pretty extreme. I have had talking therapy for it and started a low dose AD. In general I’m doing so much better but my husband can’t see it and still treats me and any cleaning or anything I do as excessive and like I’m still struggling with OCD. Which even if I was wouldn’t be the right approach anyway, but I’m doing a lot better and so it’s like he can’t let go of when I was at my most vulnerable and still uses it to be awful. He said he feels controlled by me and is unhappy with our marriage.

We haven’t been intimate for close to 18 months because I had a high risk pregnancy and was put on pelvic rest, my baby came prematurely and I can’t be intimate with someone I don’t feel emotionally connected to.

I asked him to leave so I can have space and my home can my calm whilst my daughter rests and recovers. He suggested marriage counselling when he came home and said he was sorry for how he spoke to me but that I shouldn’t be using bleach around the children. When I was at my worst with ocd I would bleach things a lot. I’d bleach the floors, my car, add bleach to my laundry etc. But I no longer do those things as I’m progressing in therapy and pushing hard to not normalize this shit for my children. My kids happily will play in the mud and my baby is at the put everything in their mouth phase and I want them to carry on and not live with this awful burden. I’m sure it’s hell to have a parent obsessed with germs. My husband seems unable to move past it which speaks again to a huge lack of empathy for why I got postpartum OCD or how hard I’ve worked to improve.

I called my Dad and spoke to him and he thinks I should stay and do marriage counselling. It’s worth knowing I haven’t seen my dad in person since he last visited us here and so he empathizes with my husband about the OCD stuff when it was at its worst. I feel like mentally I’ve progressed a lot but still am almost blamed for how it was. I’ve set up a teletherapt appt for myself today to talk everything over with someone that will let me just vent and get it all out. I feel like I’m going to be punished for having OCD for a lifetime. But I have read every single message and I know that nobody deserves to be spoken to like that. My children deserve a safe and loving family home. I am also going to reach out to confidential military resources today to in order to ask about marriage counselling and to ask what my steps are and what support can I get if I opt for divorce.

Good for you, OP. I am glad you are taking steps to discover your options.

@Sillysalamander that sounds positive. Best wishes.

Well done OP for taking positive steps to help you sort things out, don’t minimise his actions , he’s a git