Husband walked out on me and our kids in foreign country

[Sillysalamander]

I live abroad as my husband is Aus military. I have 2 under the age of 3. We moved here several years ago because my husband got stationed back here. We met in the UK. I have dual citizenship as do my children.

I developed pretty bad postpartum OCD and depression and my husband was awful to me both times. I chalked the first time up to us both being new parents and not having any support close by. But the second confirmed to me I just married a non empathetic not particularly kind person. Being screamed at that I’m ’mentally retarded’ because the first night home with my second I was cleaning up after him and his family (he had his sister reorganizing my kitchen and bathroom and staying in our messy spare room) and broke down, was when I stopped really liking him at all. We have limped along since but we aren’t friends, he’s not nice to me at all and yesterday night he walked out after an argument.

My eldest toddler had an accident yesterday at nursery (covid and a bug are going around atm) and so I cleaned the car seat and the house where she had walked in her dirty socks with soap and bleach. That may seem like overkill to some but bleach is the only thing that kills stomach viruses.

He absolutely lost it at me and started shouting in front of the kids that I am a fucked up stupid retard, that I have Down syndrome (I’m horrified even writing that as a close friends baby has DS and is a wonderful and much loved child I’m grateful to know). And he said I’m destroying his lungs and he walked out. My baby is unbothered but my 3yr old cried herself to sleep and kept asking for Daddy.

As he left I pointed out he could have just left as he is often on work trips or working late anyway and the kids would have been none the wiser. But I can’t get over or forgive how emotionally abusive this is to my 3yr old who has done nothing wrong but is worried having an upset tummy accident has caused this. Of course I’ve reassured her it hasn’t. My husband barely cleans and I’m often on his case about washing hands after nappy changes etc and he’s exploded about it. It’s not the kids fault.

He’s said I can just move back to the uk and he will see the kids a few times a year (yeah right, when it suits him I’m sure), but if I come back I will be starting from complete scratch. My Mum is dead and my Dad lives in a two bed flat with my brother who is also very abusive and mentally unwell (schizophrenic and bipolar and not safe to have my two children around).

Im just wondering what my next steps should be. I would work, just would need some support to get back on my feet. I’d get around 30,000 Aus from savings too. I don’t have car access or real family help in the UK but my dad is elderly but would try to help we just can’t live there.

I guess I feel numb, maybe a bit surprised but also kind of weirdly don’t care. I know I’m AIBU so I’m likely to get flamed for the cleaning or be told he’s having an affair but nothing justifies the way he’s treated my daughter or walking out like a baby having a temper tantrum. Thank you for letting me vent! And no I haven’t heard from him or contacted him.

This sounds like an awful situation, and it sounds like you have got the wrong partner. You’re going to have to leave him somehow.

Setting aside the marital problems/abuse: What help are you getting for the pp ocd? An acquaintance of mine had this, it did almost destroyed her family too; her mother had to step in and take her baby and toddler for a few months while my acquaintance had in-patient care in a hospital where she could be treated for her mental ill-health. She needed a lot of support (which you are not getting) and psychotherapy. Eventually she did recover and has been able to live a normal life without the ocd ruling every moment.

I think your dh is correct that using strong undiluted bleach around the home is a really bad idea - it can cause hives and breathing difficulties in my own experience. Your brain may be screaming at you that you need to sanitise and wash and cleanse endlessly, but the reality is that your ocd may be taking over. Your dh should be helping you to seek medical help not shouting at you and blaming you.

I think it would do you good to visit a doctor about the ocd. Then plan to resume full time work and put the kids in nursery full time. That way you get some space from worrying about dirty/germy kids, you build up financial independence and you can plan to leave your dh.

You deserve better and need to separate/ divorce. At least the big decision is easy .

The questions are how and when . Good luck ! Love and strength xx

OP if he is currently saying you can move back to the UK with the children and he will see them a couple of times a year then I would be on the first flight out of there before he changes his mind. Because the children are resident in Australia and you can't take them to live in the UK without his permission.

Make sure you have something in writing which you can use as evidence that he gave you permission to take them. Even if it's just screen shots of a text conversation. You don't want to bring them back to live in the UK and then one day get a knock on the door from the local police because he's accused you of kidnapping them.

Being a single mum is so much easier than being a mum and living with a nasty person. I say this from my own experience.

Just wanted to come on and say how true this statement is. I shudder when I think of what I put up with from my XH. Let this newest event be the catalyst for a whole new future for you and your children. And, coming from someone who has elderly parents and a brother who is severely mentally ill and, similarly to your situation, cannot see my child - and has ended up being defacto next of kin for all 3 of them and thus managing their complex lives, it might be less stressful for you to keep a few oceans apart from them.

Disgusting man. Come back to the UK, as far away from him as you can. It sounds like he is giving his blessing so no worries legally.
Do you have skills that you can turn into work and earnings?

Pastoral family care within the army?
This is a dangerous abusive man and he needs reporting to family services.
He has terrorised you and your children.
Report him.
Make it their problem to help you.

Most posters are reading this as if the OP is in Australia. I'm however thinking she is in an additional third country?
Which makes sense given the time the post was written as well.
@Sillysalamander would you prefer to be in Australia itself? Is there a financial safety net for you there? Any friends there?

Please get your children and him away from him. Putting an ocean between you sounds like the best plan in the circumstances. It will not be easy, but you will get through the tunnel to the other end and your children will be less damaged, and you will be able to breathe again. So sorry you are going through this.

I so sorry you've been going through this abuse.
Can you contact womans aid in the uk? They should be able to give you support and advice despite currently being abroad.

It's very good that he is agreeing to you leaving with the DC, I would focus on getting a flight back ASAP (if possible ask for a letter of consent to show the airport. Firstly as you technically need consent to fly from anyone with parental responsibility, and secondly because it shows down the line that you didn't leave with the DC without his "permission" if he starts trying to control you).
Don't worry about money or support right now. I know that feels important to have in place, but the priority is getting you and the DC away from that angry and potentially dangerous man.
It will be easier to start building a support network once you are settled in the UK, you will get universal credit and if you can find a part time job then a large % of your childcare costs will be covered too.
This is the hardest part, then things will start improving. You just need to take that step of getting back here - even if that temporarily means emergency accommodation in a womans shelter with the DC whilst you wait for a council property to become available.

First if all, you get legal advice sharp ish.
He migut have said you can go back t9 the U.K. It doesn’t he won’t be an anrse and go back on that. So get legal advice and put everything you need into place so you can move back legally abd safely. You don’t want to have to deal with some abduction proceedings on top because you’ve moved back to the U.K. with the dcs but wo his agreement.

Second, I don’t think you have much choices.
It’s either separate and stay in the country you’re in now.
Or separate and go back to the U.K.
Staying usnt an option and I suspect you know it.

If/when you decide to go back, I’d start with ensuring you have your savings nicely tucked away. Check what help is available /benefits/support re childcare etc… (even though none of it will be available to you straight away. You’d to have been living 3 or 6 months first to be considered a resident). You can do all of that whilst abroad too.
Having your dad around for moral support is great. So would having a friend or two if you’re still in contact with some of them.

OP I've got old friends who live abroad who I haven't really been in much contact with for a number of years. If one of them was in your situation and came to me for help I would gladly do what I could to get them set back up in the UK. May be worth contacting old friends even if you've not been in touch for a while.

I'd get my hands on that money, get a plane home, rent a studio, get a part-time job, sort the divorce over the subsequent 6 months.

Then I'd approach the DWP to get universal credit and aim to be in full-time work when youngest child was 3.

During that 3 years I would apply for social housing on the basis of being overcrowded and be willing to relocate for the process of getting a forever house.

To who? Doesn't sound like he's done anything illegal or for which he would be arrested. Nor precluded from seeing his children. Then he doesn't seem to want that much. So I'd focus on getting home and housed.

If you do want to come back and rent a property do it asap
As things stand with no job and no credit history you may not pass referencing for a rental but currently you can offer to pay some rent up front
From April (probably) you can't pay more than 1 months rent upfront so if you can't pass referencing you may be a bit stuck.

You’ve done nothing wrong Op. The fact you think you might’ve shows how much he’s eroded your self confidence. I’m so sorry you’ve had to suffer because of your children’s father.

There must be advice available for people in your situation, I’d start googling and trying to find some numbers. It’ll be a slog for a while but eventually him leaving will be the best thing that could’ve happened.

Jesus is his job Sergeant Major? Do you want to come back to the UK or would you rather stay in Aus? You've probably got the beginnings of a better support network there than you have in the UK. What family help is available via the military for you?
I think that numb weird feeling is some kind of coping mechanism TBH - whatever you decide to do, you'll get through it and come out the other side eventually a much stronger person.

I wish you and your DC all the best whatever you decide .

He’s in the military? Is there someone you can speak to in the organisation, pastoral care or similar?

OP your husband is an utter disgusting human being.

I would absolutely have done the same re the cleaning. So YANBU.

I think you need to keep you and the kids safe and make plans to leave.

can you get a solicitor involved and get your husband to agree in writing to you leaving the country with the kids? I say this so he doesn’t trick you and then accuse you of abducting them. The reason is that Australia is part of The Hague convention which states that if a parent wrongfully removes or retains a child overseas the other parent can apply for the child’s return under this Convention

Your marriage is over - that much is obvious.

Where do you want to be? UK or Australia.. take it from there

He's in the forces so you will be able to garnish wages and pension for your support as long as that is his work. I would say the Australians are more efficient at making that happen

YANBU OP

In your situation I would get back to the UK as soon as possible. Do you have any friends here?

Oh my, he has really enjoyed grinding down your confidence, killing your soul, while you are raring two beautiful babies, they deserve a calm home.
I'm so sorry, speak to his superior or any family liason about helping you to return to the UK without him.
He is a disgusting person, a soulless sick individual.

Its pretty clear that there is nothing in this relationship for you, whatever there was has died. And you do need to prioritise the children because as you quite rightly say his behaviour, non acceptance of any responsibility and clear lack of empathy does not make good father or husband material.

I'm sorry its not clear from your post whether you are in AUS or another country, as AUS is a foreign country to me as I am British.

Personally, given that you are in whatever country due to his military service, I would speak with the Family Officers or the Welfare support team and enlist their support - this will inform you of your options. Some suggestions:

1. Defence Community Organisation (DCO)

• The DCO supports all ADF families, including foreign spouses.
• They offer:
• Family counselling
• Crisis support
• Help navigating Defence systems
• Contacting DCO is a strong first step. They can coordinate with welfare officers and legal advisors.

1. Unit Welfare Officer or Chain of Command

• Every ADF unit has a welfare officer or someone in the chain of command responsible for member conduct.
• If the serving member has abandoned his family, this may breach Defence values and obligations.
• The spouse can report the situation confidentially, and the unit may intervene or escalate the issue.

1. ADF Chaplains

• Chaplains offer confidential support to families regardless of religion.
• They can help mediate, provide emotional support, and connect the spouse to other services.

Overseas & Dual Nationality Considerations

1. Australian Embassy or High Commission

• If the family is in a foreign country, the local Australian diplomatic mission can assist with:
• Emergency travel documents
• Welfare concerns
• Repatriation support

1. British Consular Services

• As a British citizen, the spouse can also contact the nearest UK embassy or consulate.
• They can help with:
• Legal advice
• Child protection concerns
• Emergency accommodation or travel

1. Legal Advice

• The spouse may need legal help regarding custody, abandonment, or relocation.
• DCO can refer to Defence-approved legal services, or the spouse can seek independent advice in the host country or UK.

You are in a difficult situation but you can get through this - sending big hugs

She can’t leave until she has in writing that he agrees (via a solicitor). Otherwise, he can accuse her of abduction (Hague convention). Him verbally saying it isn’t enough

I also read this as if she is in a third country.

Regardless you need to come back to the UK because if you don’t you will have the decision of where you want to live in the long term removed from you. Australia will not allow you to take the children without your husband’s permission. And I don’t think there is any hope of your marriage surviving this incident.

I wouldn’t necessarily assume that the army will support the OP either. I’ve worked on a military base before and the wives were not championed, let’s put in that way. I’ve seen women removed from the base when they have split with their husbands.

If you're an Australian citizen you can get help here in Aus through Centrelink, including emergency payments. Living outside the country for a reasonable period of time does affect it though. Check with the defence force as well.

I would suggest, if you go back to the UK & your kids were born in Aus, to get your ex to sign a court order. It needs to be done by a solicitor & filed at the couthouse. My friend, who took her DC back to Canada after she split with her Aus DH, was told she needed it or her ex could state at any time that she kidnapped them. In their case, he signed & has been to see them once in two years. I ran into him & he whinged he couldn't afford to go this year. He's got enough money to travel & indulge his expensive hobby, though. It's sad, these men just don't want to parent their kids & how easily he let them go.