Husband walked out on me and our kids in foreign country

[Sillysalamander]

I live abroad as my husband is Aus military. I have 2 under the age of 3. We moved here several years ago because my husband got stationed back here. We met in the UK. I have dual citizenship as do my children.

I developed pretty bad postpartum OCD and depression and my husband was awful to me both times. I chalked the first time up to us both being new parents and not having any support close by. But the second confirmed to me I just married a non empathetic not particularly kind person. Being screamed at that I’m ’mentally retarded’ because the first night home with my second I was cleaning up after him and his family (he had his sister reorganizing my kitchen and bathroom and staying in our messy spare room) and broke down, was when I stopped really liking him at all. We have limped along since but we aren’t friends, he’s not nice to me at all and yesterday night he walked out after an argument.

My eldest toddler had an accident yesterday at nursery (covid and a bug are going around atm) and so I cleaned the car seat and the house where she had walked in her dirty socks with soap and bleach. That may seem like overkill to some but bleach is the only thing that kills stomach viruses.

He absolutely lost it at me and started shouting in front of the kids that I am a fucked up stupid retard, that I have Down syndrome (I’m horrified even writing that as a close friends baby has DS and is a wonderful and much loved child I’m grateful to know). And he said I’m destroying his lungs and he walked out. My baby is unbothered but my 3yr old cried herself to sleep and kept asking for Daddy.

As he left I pointed out he could have just left as he is often on work trips or working late anyway and the kids would have been none the wiser. But I can’t get over or forgive how emotionally abusive this is to my 3yr old who has done nothing wrong but is worried having an upset tummy accident has caused this. Of course I’ve reassured her it hasn’t. My husband barely cleans and I’m often on his case about washing hands after nappy changes etc and he’s exploded about it. It’s not the kids fault.

He’s said I can just move back to the uk and he will see the kids a few times a year (yeah right, when it suits him I’m sure), but if I come back I will be starting from complete scratch. My Mum is dead and my Dad lives in a two bed flat with my brother who is also very abusive and mentally unwell (schizophrenic and bipolar and not safe to have my two children around).

Im just wondering what my next steps should be. I would work, just would need some support to get back on my feet. I’d get around 30,000 Aus from savings too. I don’t have car access or real family help in the UK but my dad is elderly but would try to help we just can’t live there.

I guess I feel numb, maybe a bit surprised but also kind of weirdly don’t care. I know I’m AIBU so I’m likely to get flamed for the cleaning or be told he’s having an affair but nothing justifies the way he’s treated my daughter or walking out like a baby having a temper tantrum. Thank you for letting me vent! And no I haven’t heard from him or contacted him.

You poor thing op he sounds vile. You will all be far better off without him. I do think you should come back to the UK - you could live anywhere and get a fresh start, you will make some friends through nursery/ baby classes etc and a network will form.

Number one, get UK passports for your baby, toddler and make sure yours is valid for more than 8 months at least or renew yours. At the same time secure your bank account- make sure he doesn’t know the password, PIN numbers etc. If he might, change them. Don’t move too much money from shared accounts or he will get suspicious, but take what’s normal and a little extra if possible. Spend as little as you possibly can. Next buy plane tickets secretly for the three of you home to the UK. Choose a departing date a a time when he has a work trip coming up. A 48 hour window is ideal. You need to be out of Australian air space before he knows you’ve left. While you do these things just carry on with him as calmly as possible. Try to avoid confrontation but don’t be extra nice either. I really would go back to the UK if I were you. It will be much easier and safer for you to build a new life in your home country. When you have the passports and tickets, plan what you will take. Put aside all your important documents- especially birth certificates, qualifications etc. Just before you leave, move the savings that are legitimately yours to your private bank account. Don’t take more than half of your joint money unless you can prove it’s yours. You don’t want to be accused of theft. He might say he’s happy for you to take the kids to the UK but he may change his mind to spite you once he knows you are leaving him. Your other option is to get your dad to fake terrible illness and go over on an approved by husband ‘visit’ and just don’t come back. My mother was in your position years ago but never had the courage to leave and it didn’t end up going well for her. I’ve thought for years how I would have ‘done it’ had I been her. I hope someone else can benefit from my plan and get out before it’s too late and you get stuck.

Why would she lose 50% in exchange rates? The link says the Aus gov pays the local authority- they're not going through dodgy cash converters!

Because $A1 = GB 49p. $100 = £49.

It’s got nothing to the with way you do the exchange and everything to do with the international exchange rate set by the market. Neither the Australian government nor the op (as the receiving party) can set an arbitrary exchange rate based on a personal whim.

@Sillysalamander First, yes sort the marriage by separating. Personally, I’d be tempted to stay in Aus as the UKs economy is dire atm but don’t rush into a big decision obviously.

Second, are you getting help for your ocd? my 3yr old who has done nothing wrong but is worried having an upset tummy accident has caused this already points to her awareness of your phobias. And feeling responsible for them. A dear friend has OCD and her children initially were in fear of making a mess or being dirty. However, she got help and on a low dose of AD is feeling so much better herself. It sounds as though you could also use some support.

He sounds unsafe for you and the DC to be around. IMHO you should definitely move back to UK now while your children are young and before they start school. The older they get, the more they’ll be affected by such a big move and missing their dad.

If you come back to the UK, you’d initially be subject to the habitual residence test before you qualify for benefits, homelessness assistance etc: https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/homelessness_applications/eligibility_for_homeless_assistance/habitual_residence_test_for_homelessness_assistance.

Depending on what part of the country your dad lives, winter would be a good time to come back as you may be able to rent a holiday rental (e.g. Airbnb) for cheaper until you qualify for help, using your savings and maybe a bit of help from dad? If you explain the circumstances to the owner, they may be kind and offer a good deal.

Then, as soon as you qualify, go to the local council, who have a legal duty to help you find a settled home and, if they can’t, will offer temporary accommodation because you have children. You’ll also be entitled to universal credit, for living costs and rent which should just about be OK until you can settle, sort childcare and a job. Apply for social housing with the council straight away as there can be very long waits. That’d be your best option as a lone parent.

If you have friends, try to move near them. Being close to people you can trust will really help you resettle. But it shouldn’t take long to meet other mums locally who’ll support you. It’ll be hard for a few years while the kids are young. But once they get to 10-11, it gets much easier with childcare, working etc.

That's not "losing 50%" - that's the same "worth" just in different currencies. Losing 50% would be the OP getting 25 pence per Australian dollar (i.e. getting only 50% of the actual worth of the Australian dollars.

The Japanese Yen is about 100 Yen to 1 AUS dollar - but you wouldn't say that someone "gains" 100X the amount by moving to Japan.

Exactly - I was also confused by the claim of losing half!

OP best of luck in your next steps. I am worried he will try and screw things up for you as he sounds awful.

Do you have any support network where you are? Would you want to/can you afford to stay there? If not I’d take the opportunity of returning now whilst your husband has given you permission to take the kids back. Your husband sounds awful and you shouldn’t have to tolerate being spoken to like that. If I was you I’d contact your dad and let him know the situation - is he able to go view rental properties for you? If not then stay in a hotel for a few days until you can sort somewhere more permanent.

Regardless of what you decide to do for the long term, isn’t there some support network or welfare services at the military base where he’s stationed presently?

I know it's hard right now but try to put your energy into the goal of hope and joy (it is possible), rather than fear. If you return to the UK, you will be safe and OK. Do you really want this low life seeing your kids? I know I wouldn't.

So sorry OP. I was in similar circumstances but stuck in the Middle East when I had to leave to come back to the UK. I started again and it was the best thing I ever did.

Whilst you gather your thoughts just make sure you speak to someone about ensuring he pays maintenance. It maybe they take it straight from salary in the military but this is definitely harder to sort out when you are back home.

Yeeesss.... and living costs are commensurate. I.e. cost per litre of milk in Aus is 2.33 versus UK is 1.24... so she isn't "losing" money. So the lower pound price is reflected in the lower prices of purchases in the UK.

He sounds awful and you should leave. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

Also, you also need to get help for your compulsive behaviours because it’s impacting your children too. Bleaching everywhere their socks have touched is deeply abnormal, and your child’s feelings of shame over a tummy bug are a direct response to the way you’ve responded to it.

Maybe just go somewhere new and start afresh, it doesn’t really sound like either country is right for you. I wouldn’t move near abusive family to escape abusive family.

Please check your personal messages, Op. I will write to you there.

I wouldn’t jump into making any rash decisions yet, as you’re in shock.

For example, would you actually be better to stay in Australia. The UK really isn’t necessarily your best option.

Your father has got his hands full with your brother, and no doubt you would get embroiled into those issues, when you’ve got two little ones that you need to concentrate on.

Get your kids back to the UK quickly before he changes his mind.

He sounds awful OP, your poor 3 year old, you need to get away.

But living with someone with OCD is also really, really hard and can be very damaging for children. My mum grew up with a parent with OCD and it was a really awful experience and has really affected her own thinking. You will be able to justify all the things you do and you will think you're keeping everyone 'safe' but it is actually really intense and limiting for children. It is definitely not good at all for them to be breathing in any bleach. You do really need to get help too.

That's great that he's not interested in the children, and I would try to leave the country with them ASAP. Take the money from the bank account and put it somewhere he can't have access. You know him better than we do - is he likely to use the DC or the money to try to manipulate or punish you? Or do you think he just wants to be childfree again? How will he react when he realises you got the money from the bank account?

Please pack up and leave as soon as possible before he changes his mind. Get a place near your dad and settle down and get a job and whatever benefits you are entitled to. You are going to get through this.

I'd leave while you can. He might calm down and change his mind about the children and then you're stuck.

So sorry this has happened.

You can get help in the uk while you're getting on your feet. I know it feels overwhelming but I'd just get out and worry about the rest later.

Repeating the advice to check in with his superior officer and ask for any help they can give. You are not alone. You are not wrong. You are not broken.

Like others has said, take your time. You do have options. You will find very good financial support there i believe, including rent money and benefits. Look into this when you get your breath back. There is no rush to leave or to stay. Just take your time. For example you have New Zealand as an option. Or you may decide to stay and in 2 years move away. The kids are so young, they will be fine anywhere because they have you.

You will make yourself a much better life. Being a single mum is so much easier than being a mum and living with a nasty person. I say this from my own experience.

Dont question yourself, just do what's right for you, and your children will be better for it.

Good luck

@Sillysalamander what a horrible situation for you. Some thoughts as you take stock:

It sounds as though you might have a more established support network in Australia than in the UK by now.
Rents are very high in the UK and rental properties in short supply in many areas.
Ditto nurseries even with funded hours if you were eligible.
Jobs ditto unless you have a very sought after skill and wages are low in many areas
Your child maintenance would be higher in Australia
30,000 Australian dollars will go nowhere in relocating but might set you up nicely there.

The UK is pretty dire atm so wanted you to have an honest overview. Good luck with it all.