Husband walked out on me and our kids in foreign country

[Sillysalamander]

I live abroad as my husband is Aus military. I have 2 under the age of 3. We moved here several years ago because my husband got stationed back here. We met in the UK. I have dual citizenship as do my children.

I developed pretty bad postpartum OCD and depression and my husband was awful to me both times. I chalked the first time up to us both being new parents and not having any support close by. But the second confirmed to me I just married a non empathetic not particularly kind person. Being screamed at that I’m ’mentally retarded’ because the first night home with my second I was cleaning up after him and his family (he had his sister reorganizing my kitchen and bathroom and staying in our messy spare room) and broke down, was when I stopped really liking him at all. We have limped along since but we aren’t friends, he’s not nice to me at all and yesterday night he walked out after an argument.

My eldest toddler had an accident yesterday at nursery (covid and a bug are going around atm) and so I cleaned the car seat and the house where she had walked in her dirty socks with soap and bleach. That may seem like overkill to some but bleach is the only thing that kills stomach viruses.

He absolutely lost it at me and started shouting in front of the kids that I am a fucked up stupid retard, that I have Down syndrome (I’m horrified even writing that as a close friends baby has DS and is a wonderful and much loved child I’m grateful to know). And he said I’m destroying his lungs and he walked out. My baby is unbothered but my 3yr old cried herself to sleep and kept asking for Daddy.

As he left I pointed out he could have just left as he is often on work trips or working late anyway and the kids would have been none the wiser. But I can’t get over or forgive how emotionally abusive this is to my 3yr old who has done nothing wrong but is worried having an upset tummy accident has caused this. Of course I’ve reassured her it hasn’t. My husband barely cleans and I’m often on his case about washing hands after nappy changes etc and he’s exploded about it. It’s not the kids fault.

He’s said I can just move back to the uk and he will see the kids a few times a year (yeah right, when it suits him I’m sure), but if I come back I will be starting from complete scratch. My Mum is dead and my Dad lives in a two bed flat with my brother who is also very abusive and mentally unwell (schizophrenic and bipolar and not safe to have my two children around).

Im just wondering what my next steps should be. I would work, just would need some support to get back on my feet. I’d get around 30,000 Aus from savings too. I don’t have car access or real family help in the UK but my dad is elderly but would try to help we just can’t live there.

I guess I feel numb, maybe a bit surprised but also kind of weirdly don’t care. I know I’m AIBU so I’m likely to get flamed for the cleaning or be told he’s having an affair but nothing justifies the way he’s treated my daughter or walking out like a baby having a temper tantrum. Thank you for letting me vent! And no I haven’t heard from him or contacted him.

That sounds positive. He did apologise and that may be a good sign. Couples counseling may also be useful but be weary that it doesn’t become a stick to beat you with. There is a lot of misogyny in couples counseling so be weary that his narrative doesn’t take over and you end up berated for being an ‘‘over protective’ ‘anxious’ ‘hysterical’ mummy with him the big Stoic sensible soldier hero. It’s normal to worry about pathogens around young children - mothers are programmed for this. Males have a far higher tolerance for disgusting things on average, especially compared to mothers of young children. It’s how humans survive childhood. Whilst it’s good not to let this instinct get out of control, it’s fundamentally not a bad thing and comes with motherhood. It naturally subsides as the children get older and more robust.

Keep a plan to escape Australia handy. Get those passports organised and keep them up to date. Unless you think you could be a single mother there in the long run - that is - for at least 20 more years. Do you have qualifications that are recognised there? If not, can you get them recognised? Think well into the future and be ready for eventualities like higher education fees, health provision, particular types of racism, classism, sexism and discrimination against any type of immigrant versus ‘locals’ (different in every country). Everything that can cripple immigrants/non citizens in a country more so than those with networks and history in a place. Wherever you end up staying, ensure you and your children are full citizens, dual if possible. That’s vital in these times. Always be aware that your husband can and may use the children to force you to make your life permanent in Australia against your will unless you can get them out of the country before he thinks about doing this. It’s a lot more difficult (though not impossible) once you are back in the UK. Keep that card close and use it if his behaviour escalates again. I’m so sorry he behaved like an asshole instead of being a caring dad and partner. He may get better. I hope for his sake he does as much self reflection about his vile behaviour as you have done on your perceived OCD.

Bleaching every place your child’s socks touch is deeply abnormal.

@PortSalutPlease Well, if the socks are covered in diarrhea or vomit, I can see the logic.

Even if the OP was slightly over-the-top, it’s still better than the whole family going down with the virus. 🤷

Do use your head. If your child’s socks and covered in diarrhoea and vomit you’d take them off.

@PortSalutPlease Thanks for that charming response.

You absolutely do not deserve the abuse he dished out.
Tell military services the truth, he abuses you.