To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

Don’t worry, it’s clear you meant that. Just ignore those trying to imply otherwise!

She’s almost certainly not going to be in labour, and if it does happen then her parents will still be there.

I’m thinking it might be worth getting DD talking to a therapist now because she sounds very anxious. I’m not an expert but I imagine she would be fairly high risk for PPD.

If OP does end up cancelling the theatre let’s be clear - the reason will because of DD’s anxiety, not because of her imminent labour. If she’s very distressed then that would still be a legitimate reason, but it suggests she also needs to seek professional help too.

A woman approaching her due date is not always rational and philosophical about things.
the chances of her going into labour that day are relatively low, but she’s scared and needs to know you’ll be there. Is the theatre really that important that it takes precedence over your child?
I asked my Mum to be available for me to
call when my ex was working away from home when I was pregnant, she said she would, but then went away the week
my section was booked. Taht was 22 years ago and it still upsets me. I just needed to
feel she was there for me. Surely that’s more important than a play?

I think that you should reassure DD that if she has any symptoms that concern her on the day, you won’t go to the theatre, and that you will keep in close touch. Hopefully that will calm her but if not I think I would stay home and support her as it sounds like she is anxious and really feeling the stress of her situation. It’s not such a big ask to surround her with comfort and care at this time.

I found your opening sentence really jarring, and although you may have meant that unfortunately her partner has left, you still should probably consider how you managed to type that. I always would avoid the phrase ‘he has left her’ too much, it signals distress and almost might prompt her to wonder what she did wrong. The answer is it’s all on him, I would less phrase it as he has left her than that he has shown himself to be an inadequate disappointment of a man who cant behave well to his former partner or his child! Many men in this situation, if it was really just the relationship between the adults that had broken down, would be the ones offering to stay nearby and be on hand to help her in any situations like this. He hasn’t just opted out as a partner but as a father too by the sounds of it.

It can happen to anyone, I know several women in wildly different backgrounds and relationships who have been left while pregnant. The only common denominator is failings on the man’s part.

So instead of unfortunately she is pregnant and he has left, I would focus on unfortunately he is useless but at least we got that realisation out of the way early and we are thrilled to focus on the happy future she will have with this much wanted child and grandchild, who will be adored. That’s not to downplay the difficulties of being a single parent, they don’t need to be spelled out to anyone, but to emphasise the central important and happy truths.

Even though you can only do what you feel able to, I think it would be good to offer as much love and support as you possibly can. Unfortunately your DH being ‘adamant he won’t miss the show’ isn’t quite sending the right vibe to me here, even if it isn’t necessarily unreasonable to go. Sounds like he has an unhelpful attitude here. Your DD comes first. If you feel caught in the middle (again why is he putting you in that position), then I would stay with your DD. He can watch his show alone. There are many shows. How often is your DD heavily pregnant and distressed.

Forget about your DH ,what do you want to do
I would want to support my DD so that is what I would do,regardless of what my DH did

I would cancel in a second. Is your DH her father? You say you feel stuck in the middle, what do you want to do?

My mother would have cancelled and been on call for me if it were me and she was generally cold and we weren't close.

Never underestimate the damage that can be done when someone asks for support when they're vulnerable and the people closest to them let them down. It can make you feel all alone in the world and if someones mental health is in any way fragile it can cause serious damage!

I thought this.

the only unfortunate thing is how awfully you speak about her.

Saying this as a heavily pregnant lady myself - she’s being quite ridiculous in expecting you to cancel a theatre trip to be potentially on hand in the off chance she goes into labour very early. I know it happens but it’s unlikely. And if you’re only an hour away and can check your phones there’s really no issue. I understand she’s feeling alone and vulnerable right now but go ahead with your theatre trip bf just keep an eye on your phone.

Is dd never alone? Or does she feel more vulnerable because it’s night time? Does she have any friends and family who would be happy to come around or be on call that night?

If my dd was pregnant I wouldn’t be able to not go to work and stay at home until the baby was born.

It makes me angry that so many people expect this couple to put their life on hold for a pregnancy. She’s not even high risk.

They can’t go out to the theatre or have a meal together, no, they have to ensure they are ready at all times to drop everything and race to the hospital.

They are people! They have lives.

it’s not about how likely it is to actually happen that she goes into labour. it’s about showing you support her at one of the lowest times of her life. you absolutely must cancel. come on now

I can't imagine choosing to see a play over being available for my pregnant daughter if she was asking me to do so. It wouldn't matter if I thought that it was necessary or not, I would just want to be there for her. This must be a very, very special play.

A spoilt brat? Harsh and unfair.
Being nearly full term and anxious without the support of a loving partner is perfectly normal.

It makes me angry when people are so dismissive of women when they are vulnerable or feeling vulnerable.

I always say it, but all we ever hear about is mens mental health, womens mental health just doesn't matter, many times when women are crying out for some support they are essentially told to fuck off.

I always say it, but all we ever hear about is mens mental health, womens mental health just doesn't matter, many times when women are crying out for some support they are essentially told to fuck off

That’s fine, but with either women or men, it boils down to whether the requested support is reasonable. There’s a difference between providing required, reasonable support and indulging batshit.

All I can say op is you have some really challenging months/years ahead if your husband is being this difficult. He really doesn’t approve does he, and he is making his feelings abundantly clear. He doesn’t want to involve himself with the baby and is letting dd know his life plans/theatre come before her and the baby.

Your poor dd sounds so distressed and distraught. What an awful position to be in for her. I doubt she will ever forget this op. The decisions you make now will affect your entire relationship with her.

Can't she get a ticket for the play?

Yabu for being so judgemental, "unfortunately pregnant"

Yanbu for going to the theatre.

I’d cancel. Your DD is clearly anxious about going into labour.

While all my instincts are that you’re not unreasonable to go to the theatre at this stage, and she would almost certainly be fine, this possibility can’t be ignored.

My parents went on a long-planned holiday today (my due date) and I’m currently in hospital having induced contractions, but I have a partner so very different situation. However, I would’ve been able to drive here myself with the contractions I’ve been having for the last few hours. But everyone is different! My parents want to be on the holiday as it’s with my sibling and their other grandchildren, but I suspect if it wasn’t with them, they would’ve rearranged the holiday dates.

The decision you make obviously depends on lots of things, but I would say especially on how far away the hospital is and whether a friend or neighbour can be on standby for those few hours to drive her if she needs it. (Don’t think an ambulance would take her in the early stages - though unsure if she had no other way of getting there).

Could you make a plan for an emergency (very unlikely to happen) so that your daughter feels more in control and you can still go to the theatre?

• She knows how she will get there in an emergency (friend or neighbour)
• Someone else spends the evening with her?
• You have an arrangement with the theatre where she can phone them direct and an usher gets you in an emergency?
• You do something nice for her for that evening, like pay for a takeaway (this doesn’t change the practicalities but may help her with feeling cared for!)

If the above can’t be arranged (I’m thinking about the back-up person really), then maybe rethink and just your husband goes. It depends how much you think she needs the support. Lots of women would be absolutely fine with this situation, and I’m sure she would cope well if it did happen, but she’s been through a difficult time also.

Asking someone to be around because you're scared to go into labour when you're close to your due date IS reasonable, and is nowhere near batshit.

Many mothers would have no problem at all doing this for their daughters, which could make it feel even worse for the OPs daughter if she's already feeling alone.

Personally, I would cancel op. It’s unlikely she will go into labour, but I wouldn’t want my daughter to be feeling stressed and vulnerable at this stage of her pregnancy.

Agree he sounds awful. The mother sou ds worse 'unfortunately ' pregnant

I agree with this. Can’t believe the melodramatic responses on this thread. She’s anxious but she’s also being completely unreasonable.

With her first baby she is unlikely to have a quick labour. Even if something kicks off she likely wont be going straight to hospital so you can make your way home. I’d stick with plans but encourage her to have a friend over while you are gone