To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

If it makes her feel more comfortable to be in a hotel next to or near the hospital - that’s a great solution

ive been alone going into labour, tbh I had a parent on standby but if he’d been an hours drive away I had friends who’d have stepped in until they returned

it’s clear your dad must be very anxious and feeling vulnerable. Does she have friends around her or are you and her dad her only support?

Asking someone to be around because you're scared to go into labour when you're close to your due date IS reasonable, and is nowhere near batshit

But most people wouldn’t have that luxury and have to live in the real world. As I said, for two of mine (including first), my DH worked over an hour away and there was no one else who could have stepped in. It would have been unreasonable to ask DH to stop work to sit on the couch eyeballing me 24/7. On top of that the hospital was over an hour from where we lived (I deliberately chose one that far for several reasons). There was no need to be berating DH for daring to work, or camping outside DH’s work ‘just in case’ because you are close to due date! The reality for many people is that everyone one else has to live life normally, and in the really tiny proportion of cases where something goes wrong you just have to call an ambulance.

Just because you are pregnant doesn’t mean everyone drops life to be at your beck and call. That doesn’t mean people don’t care about you! It just means people are acting rationally, and if you can’t accept that, then it’s you acting irrationally. In this situation, as a parent, I’d happily go to the theatre. I would however make concessions in that i’d turn my phone to silent rather than off as I usually do in that scenario. I’d also keep it face down on my lap rather than in my handbag so I’d be sure to hear/feel the vibration of a text. I’d also only have 1 or 2 drinks whereas I may usually have more if DH with me and is driving. We’d be prepared to leave the theatre if necessary. I’d think all of that is ‘being there and giving support’ and if someone chose not to see and accept that, then it’s heading towards unreasonable territory with a risk of a steep slide to batshit.

An hour away is fine, but your DD clearly feels anxious. The tone of your post does suggest disappointment on your part, and lack of care on your husband’s.

Unless there’s a backstory where you think she is difficult/self centred more broadly, or she’s being rude and entitled rather than anxious, I would focus on being there for her. She will only be pregnant with her first child once.

In the 1980s my mum, then in her early 20s, had me in a city 100 miles from home. She had housemates but was on her own in the hospital. Her parents, my grandparents, came to visit the next day.

My mum desperately wanted to be there when I gave birth, but I didn’t want anyone but DP there.

I feel sorry for my mum’s younger self, and your DD - I had people queuing up to help me!

Your dates don’t add up, she’s not 36 weeks pregnant if she’s due in 16 days. She’ll be less than 2 weeks from her due date when you go to the theatre, and plenty of babies come that early, even first ones. And if they do come that early, it’s often due to complications with the mother’s health so I can see why she’s worried about being alone (on top of any woman’s totally reasonable fear of labouring alone).

Even if we leave aside the probability of it actually happening- why would you ignore her feelings like this? She’s the most vulnerable she’s ever been in her life and has already been abandoned by her partner. I can’t imagine prioritising theatre tickets over that. It’s not about whether the risk itself is real/likely to happen. It’s about how your daughter feels.

I was alone in hospital in labour due to covid restrictions. I woke up shaking with flashbacks every time I tried to sleep for the first six months of mat leave. Not flashbacks to the actual birth, though it was awful, flashbacks to being alone in so much pain and terror and being unable to get help because I was so incapacitated by the pain and exhaustion I couldn’t even remember there was a buzzer or get hold of it. I think it was at least 45 minutes before the midwife came back on the ward and found me on my face and knees in a puddle of my own tears.

Things will likely be fine for your daughter but personally I would only go out if I was confident she had someone reliable who could be there or very close by and a reliable means of transport, as the worst case scenario, while unlikely, is not a risk I would want to tolerate.

My first was 3 weeks early, 3 hours after I had a show and 1 hour after contractions started. If I were you I wouldn't go.

This sort of thing really boils my piss. She is booked in for a c-section. Now, it's been a long time since my obstetrics rotation but I do recall the reasons for an obstetrician recommending an elective - placenta praevia, breech presentation, multiple pregnancies (obviously doesn't apply here), previous C-sections (nor does this), certain maternal infections like HIV or genital herpes, or significant maternal health issues like pre-eclampsia or placenta accreta.

So let me be crystal clear - if she goes into labour she does NOT call a taxi, she calls an ambulance. That is what the hospital will have told her to do. What the fuck can a taxi driver do about a complicated labour if something goes awry? You can be gung-ho and cavalier about your own health if you wish, but not about other people's.

I'd imagine the unfortunate refers to the fact she is without a partner because he left during the pregnancy, rather than the pregnancy itself. Because that is indeed unfortunate.

Well empathy and understanding is not your strong suit is it. You had a dh to support you, no doubt he gave you confidence and was by your side. This young woman has a horrible father and a mother that thinks the birth of her first grandchild is ‘unfortunate’ - hardly supportive or kind. So she really is on her own. In every sense of the word, and certainly emotionally.

You were not and can’t possibly know what it feels like. She has clearly developed anxiety as a result, and needs to see a counsellor and consider speaking to her GP. Most mother would be want to be there for her, if this was my dd I would move heaven and earth to be there for her.

If she can’t be alone for a few hours when she is pregnant, how is she going to cope with a baby…. I suspect you have massive challenges in the future.
A hotel near the hospital sounds reasonable though if it helps her to cope.

^^ this

You sound unkind and uncaring. Describing your future grandchild as ‘unfortunate’ - disgraceful. Your daughter has prenatal anxiety and you should be encouraging her and supporting her in anyway possible. She’s experienced a loss of her relationship and is now pregnant and about to give birth. It’s no wonder she feels vulnerable. My parents were people like you and your husband - awful and unkind. Remember - you reap what you sow for when you’re old, feel vulnerable and need help.
I hope she’s not relying on you for all the support she’ll need post birth.

It really isn't reasonable or remotely rational to ask someone to not leave the house for several weeks in case you go into labour. It wouldn't be a reasonable thing to ask of a partner or friend and it certainly isn't reasonable to ask your parents. Particularly when there is such an easy solution of having a friend round to sit with you.

I just can't imagine not wanting to prioritise one of my children if they said they needed me. It's not really about them being pregnant, or single, or reasonable or unreasonable. I'd just want them to know I'd always be there if they felt they needed me and asked. I'm very lucky though, my mum is like that too. So is my husband and his parents. Now that our parents are elderly and need us, we prioritise them too.

OP's daughter obviously has some pre-natal anxiety and depression, due to being left by her partner mid-pregnancy. Having the baby alone isn't something that she has chosen.

She isn't a spoilt brat, she is just really scared. If she has a c-section booked at , there are obviously some complications. Also, if her c-section is booked for 9 days time and her due date is a week after that, she is nearly 38 weeks pregnant now, not 36 weeks and full-term is from 37 weeks so she could go into labour at any time.

Your post is horrible.

Both mine were 15 days late. DH's work was over an hours drive away.

Go but be ready to come back asap.

You didn’t say that, you said:

’DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner.’

You said dd is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby. You added on without a partner at the end

The truth is this is not what you wanted, and you gave yourself away in the first sentence.

No doubt you would have preferred dd to be married and settled and having her first child. With very little input required from you.

But life happens to the best of us, dd couldn’t have known her dp would leave her, she must be heartbroken and traumatised as it is. I think you need to reframe the way you see this.

It might be your only grandchild, or your last one. You can be a supportive, loving parent or one that lets her dd down when she is at her most vulnerable. It’s up to you.

Except she didn't ask someone to not leave the house for several weeks did she?

Obviously when you exaggerate a situation it becomes less reasonable and less rational, but that's not what she asked at all.

@101trees so do you sit around all day everyday just in case something happens to someone in your family. The OP could be going shopping, work instead of the theatre. Is she not allowed to do that either? It’s not like they are going on holiday hundreds of miles away.

Many people who are pregnant would probably still be working at the stage of pregnancy OP’s daughter is at, so they could be an hour away from their birth partner.

Is the theatre trip SO important to be worth added stress?

Wow, I would 100 % cancel the theatre tickets. She is your daughter, in a vulnerable position. Due to go in to labour which is a massive deal and has no support. As her parents I can't believe you would just say well no we are going to the theatre. It may well be reasonable to say that you will answer her call but she is anxious about it and would rather you were available. He partner has left her and she needs support. You are her parents. I would be worried about her mental health and would definitely cancel the theatre.

I am amazed that 10 pages in some posters are still wilfully ignoring the fact that when OP used the word unfortunate she was referring to her DD’s partner leaving her not saying the baby is unfortunate (OP has even explained this even though it was pretty obvious that’s what she meant)

Because some people like to be judgemental and are not reading beyond those two words.
OP you don't come across as horrible at all - your DH maybe is but possibly he is just a bit ignorant about pregnancy.

If you asked me I would be glad to be available for a friend, most people would I'm sure. If there is really no one else that can be there for the evening then I would just refuse to go to the theatre. Your DD needs support. She's having a bad time and being on her own would cause far too much anxiety for her.

Either find a trusted friend or relative to be there or stand up to your DH.

I think people are reading a lot into the first sentence which is poorly expressed, but I take it that the OP is happy to have a grandchild but it's "unfortunate" that the partner has buggered off.

From the little we know they don't sound like unsupportive parents to me, taking her into their home in her 30s and being an emotional support, when most people even when pregnant in that situation would be in their own home and would be happier to be so, and many would only have parental support at the end of a phone line, if that. I had DD1 at 29, had been married for a year but living with DH for five years, there was no way I'd ever have thought to go and live with my parents if DH left.

They will be doing a lot more support over the next few weeks and months, much more hands on than most would have to be with a daughter who is 30 odd. Therefore they are allowed a night away! It must have been pretty hard work at a time when they have likely worked all their lives and want to put their feet up a bit and enjoy being just the two of them. Go to the theatre and relax and have someone sit with her.

Why is she having a planned c section before her due date/early?