To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

First baby here - went into labour at 37+1. Waters broke at 5.40am, contractions started at 6.40am. Baby born 8.21am. OP - I can’t believe you are even considering going to the theatre over being there for your daughter during this terribly difficult and anxious time for her. I’m sure you would regret (and she would likely never forgive) missing the birth of your grandchild if it were to happen similar to mine. Thankfully, I had my husband by my side but if I didn’t, I have no doubt my mum would have been there for me, happily sacking off the bloody theatre to do so!!

As a single parent, your daughter is going to need to do a lot of things without backup and yes, that is unfortunate, but she might as well start getting used to it. Does she not have any friends who could spend an evening with her?

She is saying she will have to book a hotel near the hospital for that night if we don’t cancel

How utterly batshit. Tell her not to be so ridiculous.
With two of mine, we had no family around whatsoever and DH was working at a place that was 1hr15min drive away. I didn’t go full fruitloop and demand he quit work or whatnot. You just get on with it. Both times I went into labour (pretty much right on 40w) while he was at work. No drama. If worse came to worse, I would have just called an ambulance but it was all fine. Second time there was a toddler thrown into the mix, who we had to get to the on standby emergency babysitter (who didn’t drive). Was all fine. No need for theatrics.

I’d just go to the theatre and tell her if she wants to be hysterical and book a room nearby, that’s on her and you will drop her and pick her up on the way to/from theatre and it would be great if she could cut the drama.

I would never ask my parents to change their plans for a night out and would ask a friend to come or go round to theirs myself in DD's position. As usual some people are so melodramatic. I only had DH (as most people do), my parents were three hours away and inlaws an hour away. I certainly didn't insist DH stayed in or stayed at home for the last few weeks. I worked unti 35 weeks, full time, with a hour's commute.

God MN is weird. On the kids going to uni threads people are castigated for helping their 18yos move across the country because “they’re adults, they need to grow up and take care of themselves”. Yet this OP is apparently expected to give up her own life and be at the beck and call of her 30-something daughter 24/7 from 36 weeks on “just in case” just becsuse she’s pregnant. Bizarre.

FWIW OP I would be going to the theatre in these circumstances but if she genuinely doesn’t have a single friend or other relative to step in I’d keep my phone on.

Quite.

Could she not just call an ambulance and text you to say she is going to hospital?

Well she has a very slim chance of going into labour before her due date. And if she does, then it will be at least 8 hours of labour, probably loads longer. Did she do any antenatal classes? Sounds like she needs to learn about what is going to happen to her so she doesn't panic. They don't just pop out in 20 mins.

Tell her you will monitor your phone (on silent) and come straight home in the unlikely event that she goes into labour while you are out. I think she’s being rather precious.

My DH’s commute to work is just under an hour and he worked right up until I went into labour (which was at nearly 42 weeks with my first). He could hardly have taken several weeks off work to hang around at home. Heck, our travel time to the hospital was also nearly an hour, in the opposite direction. It was all fine

Its a tricky one . As if she did go in to labour it would be quite rare for it to only take an hour . Being her first. And being premature.
But I suppose its more about her levels of anxiety over the possibility this may happen.
Is the show you are going to see that good? That its worth her being so anxious she books into a hotel by the hospital.

Your dh is probably not considering all the things an expecting first time mother will be .
Does she have no friends near by who could be on stand by just for that evening?

Regardless of what OP meant, not sure why it’s bad to admit that being pregnant in these circumstances is not a positive.

what Kind of man puts the theatre before his daughter’s well being? I adore going to the theatre but I would cancel in a heartbeat and I would feel absolutely nothing if the day ended up being wasted because she didn’t go into labour after all. For me family comes first.

Go to the theatre. It's only an hour, doesn't usually move that quick. You can always leave if things start. My DSis and I went for a movie and out for lunch whilst she was in the very early stages. Does she not work or leave the house herself?

Then help her to get a grip. She is about to become a mother. Time to grow up and realise that sometimes you have to figure things out for yourself.

Otherwise will she be expecting her parents to raise this child.

Thank goodness for this post. I was thinking along similar lines but too scared to post for fear of being piled on (feeling fragile). Thank you.

You think both her parents need to be on standby 24/7 for the next however long because a woman in her 30s can't cope with being alone for a couple of hours during early labour? I'm sorry this is ridiculous. The DD is being unreasonable.

My first labour, (I was 22) was 2 and a half hours, from first contraction to birth 😱
No issues, just FAST!

Ambulance?! Taxi!!

But OP wouldn’t have missed your birth? She would have got the message when your waters broke and been home around the time that your contractions started to take you to hospital.

Statistically, it’s unlikely that OPs DD will give birth on Saturday. Less than 10% of first time mums will give birth in the 37th week. The chance of giving birth on a specific day within that week would of course be considerably smaller still.

Rapid labour would also be unusual.

I assume your DH works from home or something but if, like many people, he had an hour commute I take it you wouldn’t have insisted he quit his job?

What absolute nonsense. Expecting them to raise the child? Because she NEEDS support during labour??

If I were in that situation I'd feel very conscious that my parents didn't have the same "responsibility" to the child as the baby's father would, so my sense of security that you & DH would be there for me would be correspondingly lower. I can sympathise with her, I was very anxious at that stage and if I felt doubts/insecurity then this would amplify them. Particularly if I felt my "unfortunate" circumstances were a drain.

Could you sit down with her and talk generally about being there for her, she is not alone, you're so looking forward to the baby who is your grandchild and your flesh and blood? Something more general to reassure her that she has family and a nest and a loving home and village to bring her child back to?

Just throwing my weight behind this post too.

i think posters have been heavily influenced by your first sentence. If you had written ’DD is pregnant with her first baby, unfortunately without a partner’ and then the rest of your post, I suspect you would have much different answers.

It is unreasonable of her to dictate that you put your life on hold and not be far from her until baby arrives, it’s also an over reaction of her to book a hotel-but it’s also understandable given how she’s feeling and the usual worries that come with first baby.

The above post is a gentle approach and I’d perhaps see if a friend can sit with her while you’re at the theatre as I don’t think you should cancel.

Your DH is right, but if she’s feeling that anxious could she travel down with you and stay in the bar/foyer or a nearby coffee shop while you’re at the play? She could read or watch a couple of episodes of a Netflix show on her phone or iPad? I think that’s a fair compromise.

Your first line should have been...
"DD is pregnant with her first baby, unfortunately without a partner."

A small difference, but makes a vast vast difference to how you might well have made your Daughter feel, even unintentionally if you've accidentally used phrases like this around her. The first part of your post really did give off a distinct air of disapproval. I wonder if your Daughter is feeling this (because I can smell it from here) and already feeling rejected and inferior. She's no doubt feeling shit enough already without her perceived rejection from her Parents.

And your husband? He gets an opinion on whether a labouring woman can look after herself only once he's pushed something the size of a pineapple out of his nether regions. Until that happens, you need to ignore him.

IMHO go to the theatre, phone on vibrate and leave IMMEDIATELY if she calls. Whether she books a hotel is up to her. I personally think that's OTT and unnecessary, but then again I've never pushed something the size of a pineapple out of me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Seriously? Your daughter is pregnant & frightened & alone (clearly excessively anxious) - and your husband actually WANTS to go to the theatre in circumstances where you both know that will heighten the anxiety? And nothing strikes you as odd about this, or mixed up priorities?

Is the background to this that perhaps your husband dislikes your daughter? (Maybe he is a step-father who finds her an unwanted irritation?)

Does he generally have problems empathising? Is he a rigid and/or controlling person? (I note ‘adamant’ and ‘strongly of the opinion’.)

Do you generally find it difficult to stand up to him?

If so have you thought about how this dynamic is going to play out when your grandchild is actually here & your daughter needs support? Are you going to continue to feel ‘stuck in the middle’ then, when there will likely be even more conflicts with his lifestyle & expectations of you?

I really cannot imagine choosing to go to the theatre - even wanting to do so!- in such circumstances, & would asking myself some serious questions about my husband if he was putting pressure on me to do so.

I’d tell your husband to bugger off frankly and order a takeaway with my daughter, leaving him to enjoy his ‘show’ alone. A supportive partner (and father/step-father) would really not be ‘adamant’ about his night out in circumstances where this leaves his wife feeling ‘stuck in the middle’ and his pregnant daughter anxious.