To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

What would you do if she were your friend? I think I’d be there for her. It sounds like she’s justifiably scared to be unsupported

Yep, the mother’s left having to pick up the pieces for her daughter, stand in for the absent father and is expected to provide the support and assistance he should be providing, but god forbid she judges her daughter for getting herself into a situation she’s apparently incapable of navigating without mum and dad’s help… the daughter chose this. Her parents didn’t.

She is catastrophising because she is scared.

She has been abandoned by the person she thought she was building a life and a family with, so is now trying make sure that "the worst" doesnt happen again when she is in labour. I get it, but realistically, it wont happen.

She is thinking of labour and birth from a "call the midwife" perspective. Waters break and ten minutes later she is pushing out a baby. Why wouldnt she? She has no real life experience of how it actually happens.

So I would suggest that you talk to her about the realities of giving birth, and suggest she talks to her midwife for further reassurance that yes it could happen, but it is vanishingly unlikely that it will.

Be there for your daughter. You can go to the theatre any time.
My mum was on holiday abroad when my first was due, and I really wanted her around even though I had a husband and his family. I just wanted my mum.

I have read the thread.

The OP could have easily said “My daughter is pregnant with her first baby. Her partner has unfortunately left her”.

I ain’t buying that she’s not judging her own daughter from the first sentence.

Is that not the bare minimum that a parent does?

Her daughter and her unborn child have been abandoned. Of course her parents should be providing support for their daughter when she’s at her most vulnerable.

I honestly don’t get the Mumsnet mentality of “Oh, well you’re an adult now. Time to navigate this by yourself”.

You stay with your daughter, obviously. Yes it is unlikely that she’ll go into labour and need your help that urgently, but presumably it was also in her mind unlikley that her partner would leave her to do this alone until he did. To the PP saying she “chose this”, like fuck she did. Of course she’s bloody anxious and she needs someone who she can count on to prioritise her when she is vulnerable rather than lectures on probability.

I think she is being a bit over anxious, but it’s her first, I remember thinking I was going to be delivering imminently when I got the first niggle, only for baby to arrive 20 hours later, at 8 days late.

the chances of her going into labour and delivering in that four hour slot weeks early are minute. I think you should go, with phones switched on, but silent.

I think this too. Let him go alone to theatre or give your ticket away.
’unfortunately pregnant’ is a horrible thing to say… I’m sure she feels your judgement..

Tbh as a single mum myself I wasn't even slightly offended by OP. Single motherhood is hard, and it is very unfortunate that OP's dd is going through pregnancy without the dad in the picture. The situation is hard, not her daughters choices. She didn't ask for it.

Women do not get themselves pregnant!

I'm with DH and I am assuming he is her Dad.
I bet when you had her he was still commuting to work and probably didn't even have a mobile phone.

Millions of pregnant women are an hour or more from their support network in the weeks leading up to the due date.

There was a thread the other week and a lady commented it had only just dawned on her that DH could easily have been 3-4 hours away as a truck driver during the day.

I get she's feeling vulnerable but she needs reassurance that you'll come back and get her if needed.

Is she feeling abandoned because of her partner leaving her. Does she need an counselling session to deal with that?

Go to the theatre. Might be your last bid for freedom. If she's this needy now, how will she be once babe arrives?

I, like most people, cannot be attached via umbilical to any friend. It’s not a manageable level of support.

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby

I voted YABU because you say you're being supportive, but your words indicate your attitude towards your grandchild is not. I think it's reasonable that your dd should find a backup person just in case she goes into labor. Of course you can go to the theater. But I hope your daughter has not picked up on your "unfortunate" feelings.

FWIW, my younger daughter's baby was due 10 days ago. That sweet baby died halfway through the pregnancy, though, and instead of cuddling a newborn right now, we're trying to help dd and her husband through their grief and our own. My child has lost her child, and I could do nothing to stop it and really there's not much I can do now. I hope your family never experiences something like this.

I'm a mimi to an angel, but this was not the kind of support I dreamed of giving.

I hope all of you get through the last weeks well, and bring that dgc home soon. ❤

Why did you even book theatre tickets so close to her due date in the first place?

I think the first suggestion of inviting a friend over is the best one. You can't be home all the time in case she goes into labour, it's not like you are going far away. DH was still going into work an hour away when I was 41 weeks, never mind 36. On my due date 5/7 happened and he was in the office in central London. At 37 weeks we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary with a weekend away three hours from home. DD1 was born at 41+2.

Well coming from someone who stood on her own two feet and just got on with it alone it's not rocket science to call an ambulance,taxi etc. I was terrified alone but ye had no problems calling a taxi and having them take me, my mum joined me 6hours later with first as that was the traveling distance. No problems for me just had to accept thats what I had to do and was much younger

The play is three weeks away from her due date!

For goodness sake. Who would expect that their 30 years old daughter was going to be so needy that she'd kick off and demand a hotel because her parents were going to be a whole hour away (very many people's work commute), for four or five hours?

This whole thing is barking mad, and I'm aatonished that the majority of posters think that OP and her DH should have no life for four weeks leading to the birth.

If the DD doesn't have a single friend that she can turn to during those four hours (or rather just for that hour when OP would be driving back) something is very wrong.

And of course if she's so irrationally dependent on them now, goodness knows how needy she'll be when the baby arrives.

She's 30, not 16.

Hardly ideal though and wouldn’t you want better for your own children?

OP for what it’s worth, if I was pregnant for the first time I’d be gutted to be going it alone. I think to be broken up with halfway through my pregnancy would not fill me with joy.
The posters expressing that becoming a single mother before your baby is even born is all fine and dandy, or whichever positive/neutral way they choose to see your daughter’s circumstance, I fully understand your sentiment.

With that being said, if my parents didn’t cancel their date night to be with me just before my baby was due, it may be forgivable (selfishly [like you had been!], I’d need your help so would have to move forwards) but I would never, ever forget that.

Stay home with your daughter and let that man take a friend, if he has any with that attitude.

What a vile post.

The daughter 'chose' to have her partner abandon her when she was pregnant?

i wouldnt blame the daughter for wondering wtf is wrong with men, since yet another man in her life is shrugging his shoulders and behaving like a selfish jerk. This is the reason the mother is contemplating picking up the pieces (even to the limited and very begrudging extent she is considering supporting her own daughter).

If women don't support each other, who will? It's very clear that nobody else gives a fuck.

It's also very clear that there are women even now who have never examined the role of misogyny in their own thinking.

This.

Also, my first baby was 2 weeks early and with my second, I had a labour of approximately one hour. So it's well possible that she could go into labour early and/or have a fast labour.

I wouldn't go. You can go to the theatre anytime. It would be different if it was a one-off event like a close friend's wedding.

In most cases it is a woman relying on her partner.

If he said he was going to the theatre and she was scared of going into labor alone? That would be awful.

Well, for your daughter, you have replaced the partner as her support at a very scary and vulnerable time. So she views it the same way. Your husband clearly doesn't think he is taking that role, hence views it differently.

You need to decide how your relationship will be, because when they baby is here, this will keep happening. Are you filling the supporting role of a partner? If so, you'll be doing a lot of help with the baby. Or are you still acting as normal grandparents. I can see your daughter expecting the former, and your husband expecting the later.

Best get the dynamic sorted now, so you are all clear on how this will work when the baby comes.

In most cases it is a woman relying on her partner.
If he said he was going to the theatre and she was scared of going into labor alone? That would be awful.

Three weeks before the due date, it would be awful for him to be an hour away?
It really wouldn't. There are millions of husbands and partners who will be away an hour away at that point, either at work or at social events.

It was the lead up to Christmas when I was at 37 weeks. Not only did my husband go to events without me at that point, I went to social things without him, too.