To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

I do think the DD is being unreasonable, but at late stage pregnancy, on her own, she is allowed to be unreasonable, and I would agree to this on this occasion. She is clearly anxious and now is not the time for tough love.

However, I really would want her to have a back up person to call and encourage her to let friends support her too, generally.

@Walkaround My 'elective' c section was a result of pre eclampsia that developed the day before my due date. The day before that was my last scan and everything was fine, my blood pressure and the protein in my urine had shot up overnight. My options were c section or induction and I didn't want to be induced. DS came out weighing 11lbs and with a head too big to fit through my pelvis, so I was glad I'd had an elective c section not an emergency one. Before that I'd wanted a natural birth in the midwife led unit. You have no idea why OP's DD is having a c section, it may well be on medical advice.

Are you really saying that pregnant women can't be vulnerable?! That the fact she is about to give birth negates her vulnerability 🤯

I think your DD needs to discuss with you her plans for labour and delivery. Obviously, option A is the planned c section (will you be at the hospital for that, how is she getting to hospital that day?) Option B is if she goes into labour or waters break before that (fairly unlikely for a first birth and very unlikely to progress quickly for a first birth). She will phone the maternity unit for advice, get a taxi (or have a friend on standby) and you will meet her at the hospital. (You will probably be there before her.) I'm sorry she is feeling so anxious.

You need to be there for your daughter. Let your husband go. I don't think she will forgive you.

I honestly cannot imagine leaving my DD who is so vulnerable right now to go to a theatre. She has specifically asked you not to. If she had not asked I would go. But she feels she needs you.

Is anything likely to happen? No. But will she be alone and worried. Yes.

“choosing that over your own child’s well-being and peace of mind”

DD is a 30 something year old woman and is about to be responsible for a small human.

Expecting your parents not to attend something 60 mins away is a bit ridiculous.

I'm saying she's not a child. She's a grown woman who will soon be responsible for an actual child. Her mother being an hour away should be manageable. Otherwise, she needs professional help with the anxiety.

I don't think anyone is denying the DD needs compassion and support. The question is does that support need to come in the form of OP cancelling a theatre trip.

The DD thinking she needs to book herself into a hotel near the hospital is simply not a rational response. She needs help to get a grip on her anxiety. Of course the OP should be providing that support. What OP doesn't need to do is encourage her DD to be excessively dependent on her.

Then you are pandering and feeding your childs anxiety - you are part of the issue. As a parent of a 30 year old, you are allowed a social life, we are talking about a theatre performance.

And what happens next time the parents want an afternoon to themselves?

I would consider that leaving my heavily pregnant daughter alone, when she is clearly anxious and worried and in circumstances whereby she's asked me not to, is not 'pandering' - it's unkind, selfish and not something I would ever do.
As I said - the idea that someone could enjoy a trip to the theatre knowing how distressed it would make their own child, is non-sensical to me.
It's only a few weeks until she gives birth - after which time, of course she can't expect her mum to be on call 24/7. She's not asking for it forever - just at this time.
As a parent - I would never forgive myself if my daughter had to go into labour/deliver alone, because I had made an entirely selfish choice.

I think she might need anxiety help too. Because its just not rational to feel that level of fear.

While the odds of anything happening is so low. What's the worse possible thing that can happen?
She goes into labour and needs to call an ambulance?
She needs to wait at home until her parents get back?

But the mother won't even be in the same bloody house so the daughter will be alone anyway

Agree, I would not leave my daughter in these circumstances, I wouldn't care how old she was. She has been left in the lurch by the father of her child and she needs someone to be there for her, if her parents won't even do it then who will?

They stay with DD. She is having her c-section in 9 days. Not 9 years. And honestly I would expect the parents to give a huge amount of help in the beginning too.

I read a lot on here about too much being expected of grandparents but I don't think this is too much. It's also not a new thing, my great gran moved in with my gran for 4 weeks after each baby. My MIL said her mum came over for 8 weeks after DH was born. And both of those had husbands at home.

She is at the end of pregnancy, her partner has f'd off and left her. Right now she needs to be cocooned with support because it sounds like she is struggling. No one is saying that they will have to cancel everything to be there for DD forever.

But yes if this was my DD and I was her main support, I would be her main support

Of course they're not the worst possible things that could happen.

Are you aware of the waiting times for an ambulance. Probably a hell of a lot longer than the hour for her parent's to check their phone and a further hour to drive back.

dont be silly, they aren’t allowed any time to themselves till the baby is 18.

I’d cancel the show and support her. Your daughter is going to remember who made her feel loved and supported throughout the most difficult time of her life when she has been abandoned by her partner - just be there for her.

It's only a few weeks until she gives birth - after which time, of course she can't expect her mum to be on call 24/7. She's not asking for it forever - just at this time

@Dukekaboom but this is the part that would worry me, what is she really asking for. Because this is the easiest week she is going to have for about 10 years.. the real worry begins after the baby comes along. Maybe the anxiety is specific to labour and she is fairly relaxed otherwise, we don't know. But if she is needy by nature and this is typical of her, I think OP needs to have a stern chat now about her availability and support.

And I can't stand unkind and judgemental people with no empathy or compassion who are utterly incapable of putting themselves in someone else's shoes. Describing OP's daughter as 'wet, weak and whingy' makes you sound absolutely horrible.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I cannot understand the mentality of "I had it hard and had to do it alone" so others must too. Why not reflect on the fact it was hard doing it alone and if it's possible for someone to be there to support you during birth, they should as it's a nicer way!

Unfortunately they have a point. If op panders to her anxiety imagine what shes going to like when the baby is actually here - itll be to the point poor op will be bringing up her grandchild as the daughter will keep using her mental health as an excuse. Shes in her 30s she needs to grow up.

And absolutely loads of married men have affairs and leave their wives when they are pregnant. Marriage can protect women financially, but it certainly doesn't stop men leaving their wives and children.

So for 9 days the parents have to stay in glued to their phones, for 9 days, they are not allowed out, they are in effect under house arrest?

Anyone would think no one ever lost a baby.

Maybe wait until the OPs daughter has a healthy child to bring home before she has to hear the "stern chats" about how little support she can expect. I'm sure that's already becoming abundantly clear.