To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

If you’ve promised her that you’ll be there for her then I think you should cancel the theatre. Your husband can go by himself if he’s that adamant. The first pregnancy is always hard because it’s new and also a little scary. She must be feeling alone and abandoned, she needs you. Don’t leave her.

She is unfortunately pregnant though. I doubt she wanted to be in a situation of being pregnant alone.

I don't think I would be able to enjoy the show in those circumstances. And like I said, being theoretical if not very useful - the parents don't live 200 miles away.

Where is the OP saying she’d leave her to give birth alone? How have you managed to have that conclusion when the OP is saying nothing of the sort? You do realise that most of us have had babies, some with dhs and partners who worked outside the home but could be home in an hour or so? Which is similar to the OP’s circumstances. Except it’s her parents who are stepping in. But it doesn’t mean they have to be with the dd 24/7 ‘just in case’. The dd needs to get help with her anxiety issues.

But the daughter is asking for support and for them to stay nearby. It’s not really about the distance but listening to their daughter’s needs at this time. Im
it saying all husbands/partners should be home for weeks before birth or all grandparents give up their lives at this point. But these are not ‘normal’ circumstances so why would the woman’s feelings be normal either.

Yes - the parents feelings are important but I’m sure you can see that a vulnerable person (because she’s pregnant) with additional mental health concerns (because of being abandoned) might need to be prioritised at this time. The daughter didn’t opt to be a single mum, she was screwed over and is now facing all of this on her own. She’s desperately reaching out to ask for support and the parents are contemplating a theatre trip over her. Like I said, when you have kids, you’re not just signing up until they’re 18. You are committing to be there for them and love them unconditionally for life. The parent child dynamic and need for acceptance and love and support doesn’t change as you age. Adult children sometimes need their parents to parent them.

To be clear, if the OP had listed circumstances that meant that they were also really struggling right now, I’d be discussing who else could help or how they could balance their own needs with their daughter’s. But the issue seems to be that this woman is ‘too old’ to need them and she should get in with it. As someone who has seen things like depression and chronic anxiety and ptsd first hand in loved ones, you can’t just tell them to toughen up or get a grip or deal with it. It’s really dangerous to do that, especially if someone is also vulnerable for other reasons.

i know we agree that therapy is what’s most likely to really help her but that sort of progress takes time so for now, the people closest to her need to help as best they can. And I think forgoing a theatre trip isn’t some huge sacrifice.

But the OP doesn't live with her daughter, so she isn't leaving her home alone. Missing the theatre would just mean sitting in her house for the 4 hours on Saturday, no different than the nights preceding it.
You can support her without feeding into her anxiety. It's not unreasonable for OP to be an hour away.
You can call in the days prior to the event to see if anything is happening like braxton hicks etc and make a judgment call on the day about whether you go.
Reassure her that both phones will be fully charged and on your laps at all times, and call in the interval to check in.
Reassure that you can cancel anytime, even right up to the drive to get there.

How much time did she have in the house BEFORE she decided it was time to go to hospital?

First labours can be a long stop start process over days.

The odds of her going into labour early has to be small, the odds of it being that quick again has to be small, combine both of them and the odds of it being Saturday night has to be remote.

Op and her DH are going to be needed to support her for the next however many years. A night out isn't going to do any harm.

Isn't it being theoretical to say if enjoy the theatre or not?
The whole post is theoretical, whether the daughter needs her parents or not in those 4-5hours!

This is bloody ridicoulous - where will it end - will you be able to have a life and do things you want post birth??

We are taking an afternoon at the theatre - theatre - not a weekend in Alaska with flights once a week!

Do the OP and her husband not leave the house from not until c section day just in case she goes into labour early??

This is pandering at its best, yes the daughter is worried, but come on, she is going to have to grow up very quickly!

The level of anxiety she is feeling is probably a symptom of how vulnerable she feels in life at this moment in general. If her relationship hadn't broke down and it was her partner going out for a few hours, I'd assume she'd be fine with it. She's focusing all her worries on the birth and wants to feel that it's as important to someone else as it is her.
Her demand isn't reasonable as she's in a very bad place at the moment. I'd be addressing her overall mental health rather than focusing on the demand she's currently making.

See many grandmother can't go that I couldn't afford to take 4 weeks off work to hang around DDs small flat waiting for her to pop. I don't get paid save as count as self employed. And would've had to pay for hotel as no where for me to sleep there

So it's easy to " be there" for someone with no other commitments. Does t make you a better parent

Cancel the theatre. It's your grandchild arriving and your DD needs your support. If DH is adamant to see the play then he could go on his own?

I didn't want my mum around much when I was pregnant/ giving birth because we didn't really have the sort of relationship where I felt supported by her. I try and be really different to her as a parent and am so anxious to ensure my kids don't feel like that about me. I think you should be so grateful she wants you there and personally I'd drop the theatre idea without much thought if she was telling me so clearly she needed me. DH can go if he wants

@AlinaRawlings
Calling her a spoilt brat is a bit much.

@Yournw in principle there is nothing wrong with you going to the theatre with the return distance you have mentioned. It would be perfectly possible to leave the performance and come back in time to assist in the unlikely event that something happened.

I do think your DD is maybe more than average anxious and you need to address that.

Hormones, fear of birth - all these things will be happening as the date gets closer. I think being terrified about you being away for just an hour with phones on and checking phones at 37-38 weeks is a bit more on the over anxious side, perhaps. Babies do come early. I get that. I summoned my parents at 38 weeks and I went 40+12 in the end. I feel a bit apologetic about that - there really was no need to summon them that early - nothing was happening at all.

She can't expect you to put your lives on a full hold for a month. A gentle hold/be on standby, yes, (one hour away) but not a full hold/dont leave the house at all ever.

Is it possible to have a de-escalated conversation about how she is feeling about becoming a single mother (not what she expected) and worries about having major surgery, etc?

Perhaps if you go and have a more in depth chat about these things and reassure her that you will never intentionally leave her alone and unsupported but that you cannot be on "red alert" 24 hours a day for a month.

Her partner dumped her at such an important time, that must be hard but the reality is what it is. Perhaps a straightforward pragmatic chat might actually help the anxiety as then boundaries and expectations would be established.

I would also encourage the beginning of using a wider social network than just you and your DH - for your daughter's sake. She must have friends who can come and sit with her that night etc. She needs to have a wider network in the long run, for her own benefit.

Good luck with it all and hope she has a safe delivery.

I think it's the triviality of the reason for being an hour away when her DD may go into labour and be frightened and alone which I find unacceptable. It's only a show! Just because DD's in her thirties doesn't mean she isn't scared - and older mothers are more likely to have complications afaik. Things can go wrong. My DS wife went into labour and DGC was nearly born in the ambulance. DS faced possibility of delivering DGC himself - and ex-DiL haemoraged, nearly died. I would not be an hour away watching a play if my DD was due to go into labour if she was on her own.

This is bonkers. My husband went off to work when I was in early labour - we knew it would take ages. I was working up to 39 and 40 weeks both times (late babies), walking the dog in early labour. I even went into friends’ houses and Tesco for some essentials - none of which I count as some heroic act. She is going to seriously struggle with motherhood if she can’t cope with being home alone for an evening.

There is a big theatre in my major city. When you go in there is a phone signal blocker so you don’t get texts or calls.

Or they can read statistics.

Yes but the mother has said she is 'unfortunately' pregnant and it has been 'awful'

Sorry but I dont see much support coming there, what a thing to say

She isn’t due to go into labour, she is 36 weeks pregnant.

Theatre trips are not trivial for everyone, they can be a big outlay paid long in advance for a special occasion.

Everyone is getting hung up on the OP and DH changing how they live their lives to accommodate the anxieties of an adult but the real issue is the anxieties and the lack of a single friend to call on. Those are the issues which need addressing urgently - the OP/DH cancelling all plans to be with a 36 week pregnant woman 24*7 is only going to reinforce that sense of anxiety. Cancelling is not the neutral activity most pps seem to think it is.

@Grammarnut

I think you are projecting here. The circumstances you describe are exceptional. That is really not how most first labours go in reality. You are describing a really dramatic and unusual situation (I hope you are all ok after that) and I think we need to right size things.

The DD is not even due and she has a c section booked and they are going out to the theatre for a few HOURS - not even an overnight. I think we should try to keep perspective at all times which is admittedly hard with fear and hormones at play.

Also, you mentioned that is a trivial reason. It might be trivial to you but it might be that this theatre visit was costly, booked well in advance and something that was being looked forward to.

IF it was a real emergency (like what you described) then of course they would come home. But a few hours to themselves with phones on silent and being checked for a person who already has a C section booked (ie has been scanned and no scary issues identified) is something that is not unreasonable I don't think.

DD will really need a network as a single mother - she should invite a friend round to pass the time.

Also,30s mothers are not older mothers.

I am posting as someone who called my parents to come over way to early and I now realise that it was unnecessary and my anxiety was getting the better of me. By my second DC I managed myself better - thank goodness.

@Yournw honestly I would abandon this thread - half the posters are deliberately misreading your first post and jumping in without reading your clarification of the wording. Honestly posting for advice or support on AIBU is a complete waste of time.

I'd be very concerned about boundaries in the future. If she cannot fathom being alone when getting a twinge (she will not be giving birth within the hour) I can imagine she will expect to be waited on hand and foot post C section. Fair enough she needs that support for the first week or two but most women single or not are alone after a few days when their partner goes to work. Not 24/7 of course and she will need someone to talk to or call in every day, but for the most part she needs to manage alone. I'd be concerned OP is on call 24/7 for when baby has a temperature or vomits etc. OP needs DD to know she has her own life and will be there for a crisis but is not her minder. A good start to this would be going to the theatre and being on call, no cancelling and available within an hour. If dd thinks an hour is too long, this implies OP is not allowed a hair appt or lunch date or swim or dental appointment for the next couple of weeks..this is ludicrous.

Sit down with your DD and plan for various scenarios, including that you can't be at the birth, can't be there immediately but can get there within a certain time (e.g. an hour). Plus, of course, her first choice of having you there.

Talk through what she would, who she would call etc

Write it down, including all relevant phone numbers.

Then go to the theatre, with a written plan of what she is going to do if she goes into labour while you are out.

There is middle ground between being there 24/7 and complete abandonment, and as a single parent she is going to have to learn how to prepare, and to manage anxiety.

You need to be able to set boundaries, this her baby.

This sounds a bit ridiculous. Are you meant to go nowhere then for the next few weeks, "just in case"?