To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

I think if you rate how important this theatre trip is (let's say from 1-10) and you rate how important it is to support your anxious, pregnant daughter in the weeks before she gives birth the answer will be clear.

Are there any circumstances where you will be crying in a months time saying "I wish I had gone to the theatre?" are there any circumstances where you could be crying in a months time saying "I wish I hadn't gone to the theatre?".

Could the daughter not have made other plans? Friends, family? Could've turned into a nice catch up evening with someone else. In reality too, there's little her mum and dad could've done more than a friend around, ie, drive to hospital, call ambulance.

Yes, some fair points, like I say I’ve now taken in the timescales and I was wrong in thinking DD was in the last days, so it is overly anxious and my initial reaction was a bit strong. I agree she could make another plan.

But re the remembering, I’ll always remember my mums reaction to my first baby news to say ‘but you’re not married’. That really hurt, because to me that was her making it all about her, and not at all the reaction I expected or wanted. I don’t think about it daily of course, but it’s one chink in the story of feeling let down in various ways. I can easily imagine the DD thinking ‘yes I was ridiculously anxious, but my mum prioritised my dad/the theatre’ and feeling hurt.

I assume if the daughter could easily call on someone else then she would have done so, rather than plan to get a hotel near the hospital.

Your dd needs to put a plan in place - it’s her responsibility to do this. It’s going to be her responsibility to care for the baby.

she needs to get the father to step up and be on emergency call out duty, or a mate.

blackmailing you isn’t the way to go about this.

You are going to have to have a frank conversation with her about this or when the baby is born she’s going to be a mumzilla and will make your lives a misery.

tough love, and express it to her as such. Shes launched this grenade into your lives too somehow and you’ve been super supportive and will continue to do so, but won’t be put under house arrest.

If the daughter hadn’t mentioned anything about going, I wouldn’t for a second tell the parents to just randomly cancel their plans. But the poor woman is clearly struggling and needs help. Therapy is a priority. But even people in therapy need their support system. Therapy doesn’t replace the family or friends who support you as you do the work you need to do. Therapy can actually be really hard to do, it can bring up a lot of emotion beyond the therapy room and isn’t necessarily a quick fix. This woman needs support the rest of the week from the people she sees as reliable - she has turned to her parents to be those people and I’m not sure why they think their daughter shouldn’t be prioritised at this moment in her life. She’s not just having prebirth anxiety. She’s been abandoned by her partner and is facing a totally different life to the one she had planned.

Personally, I struggle to see how you could prioritise a trip to the theatre over the needs of your vulnerable child. I would also do the same for a friend, to be honest. Because, ultimately, they are more important to me. And I love the theatre!

Personally, I struggle to see how you could prioritise a trip to the theatre over the needs of your vulnerable child.

Well of course that's the thing though (imo).

She doesn't actually need them at that point.

It's a just in case.

I think that she is asking too much.

Unfortunately we are unable to control what people do or what they say, only our reactions to it.

If people want to hold a grudge for the rest of their days then that is their choice but in this instance a night out for her parents before life gets really baby busy for all with the arrival of a newborn, is not something worth holding a grudge over. If it is then, well, quite frankly life has been pretty darn kind to them because it is literally nothing important and it smacks of being a little... too much.

Nobody is perfect, nobody. I always thought it healthier to let go of negativity, enjoy each other while you can.

Her caesarian is in 9 days' time, not 3 weeks. The visit to the theatre is on Saturday, which will be 6 days before her c-section. If the c-section is due to pregnancy complications, she might need to get to the hospital immediately if labour starts before her planned section date.

I have no idea, it could be an OTT reaction to try and make a point against her parents or a genuine concern. Either way, not really needed but I hope she enjoys a nice hotel for the eve.

Tough love is a terrible approach when someone is clearly having mental health issues. Unless you’re keen for things like PPD to set in. If a vulnerable person needs help, just help them in the way they are asking. Especially if you are their parent. If you have kids, they’re your responsibility for life. Adults still have issues. There’s no time limit for depression or being at rock bottom.

And being a mumzilla? More shaming of women who are vulnerable. Postpartum women asking for help isn’t weird or wrong, especially when they have been abandoned mid-pregnancy and are asking for help from the people who are meant to be there for them.

This poor woman clearly needs therapy but she also needs a support system for the many hours outside of the therapy room and I’m not sure why anyone thinks this isn’t something parents should do happily.

This is all OTT for parents who are one hour away if needed. Just one hour.
And while we are on 'what if's', why are we not also considering her parents? They may be knackered helping, worried about their daughter, or just needing a much need break for their own mental health, just for a a few hours before the arrival of the baby. Is their own health not important too?

Your daughter is clearly very distressed and worried. Whether her request is reasonable or not is not important at all. What's important is that her parents support her when it matters most. Women feel so vulnerable during this period of time and the fact she has been left by her partner to deal with this on her own is no doubt making her feel even more anxious. I don't think there is anything in the world that would prevent me from supporting my distressed pregnant daughter when she is actively requesting my support. Unreasonable or not, this is what she needs from you and I will find it very difficult to forgive my parents if they didn't offer their support at this very vulnerable time in my life.

I wonder if these are the kinds of things some parents do and then wonder why their adult children go low or no contact. I can't believe you are even asking here for opinions when as a parent you should know the right thing to do.

They are one hour away.
If this is the kind of thing that makes children go silent to their parents then those children are unreasonable.

One hour away!

Cancel theatre! She’s your daughter!

I am genuinely baffled by the infantalsation going on here. The OPs daughter is NOT as described by some posters here a vulnerable child. She is actually a grown adult woman in her 30s. Parental support and help is obvious - but setting demands on her family to stay in 'just in case' is wholly unreasonable of her.

And as a grown adult woman in her 30s if she choses to stay in a hotel near the hospital that night then that is her call. Nobody should be feeling guilty about it.

Absolutely this. I once rang DM when I had a massive crisis with a v poorly DD and I needed some help. She did step up to help, but not before out loud wondering whether or not she should go to the hairdressers as planned. It is hard to step back from making this kind of choice.

You would honestly go to the theatre to ENJOY a show knowing this is causing distress to your pregnant daughter? Would you really? Like not theoretically speaking, but in practice would you? I highly doubt this.

It's also possible that it's a c-section due to maternal choice with no medical reasons.

I can’t imagine leaving my daughter in that situation. I think YABU.

Your DD was actually poorly though. You weren't expecting her to cancel the hairdressers just in case DD happened to become poorly in the few hours she'd be gone.

Go to the theatre but let her know that you'll have phone on silent and check for texts or messages

Make time each day to call your dd for a chat. Can you arrange to meet up with or visit her, take her out for lunch if she has an appetite?

she should just call you, the hospital won't want her immediately anyway

This is one of those situations that there’s probably some huge backstory too like this daughter might be asking everything of her parents and therefore missing the theatre which is there time away is important to them I’m a single mum my parenter got arrested for SA someone when I was 5 months I had some support and I did the rest myself it was lonely and terrifying but I made it. I was 22 I think at 30 she would be fine phones are avalible and she must know someone else x