To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

It's understandable she's anxious. But she's also a 30 plus year old woman with the maturity to be reasonable when her parents are simply going to the theatre, 9 days before a scheduled c-section.

Her parents will be there for her, would have their phones and leave the theatre if she goes into labour. Considering she's 36 weeks pregnant and 9 days away from a planned c-section, it's more than reasonable.

It does sound abit unfortunate when the parents have been asked already not to go to the theatre.
Whats it going to be like when the baby's here?
Parents don't have to give up their interests and life just because their daughters having a baby.
At 30 you would expect there to be other friends and family too.

I’m interested in the vastly different reactions here! To me ‘any sane person’ (c’mon, ott language much) during their last week of pregnancy, feels anxious to know where their supports will be and how long it will take them to get there. Although I am taking in now that op said dd was 36weeks so perhaps revise my position thinking the chance of her going into labour is lower than I imagined - why is the section so early op, does she have complications?

I think there’s a bit of ‘stiff upper lip’ type divide going on here? I find it perfectly normal that anxiety and fear is part of impending first labour. To me it’s more of a concern for people to squash those feelings down and get on with it, far healthier to express ‘I feel vulnerable and need your support please - even if it is a bit irrational’. None of that anxiety means she isn’t an adult who will cope with raising a baby herself.

I'm sorry to say that you and your DH sound very mean. I would be distraught if my parents treated me this way.

The responses to this are really strange. Surely even if she did have a partner he would likely be at work at this point? Lots of grandparents would also still be working or live further than an hour away anyway. I think it’s fine to go out but your daughter doesn’t so it’s up to you what you decide to do about that.

It won't end at just the labor though.
The daughter might be one of those that thinks her parents should give up their lives to babysit all the time.
Whats she going to do when she wants to go back to work.
She's the selfish twat and so is her partner leaving her.

Pretty spiteful post in my opinion. The OPs daughter is worried about going into labour without support. Women regularly die giving birth in countries without good medical care. Nothing at all to do with her ability to look after a baby alone.

It’s only an hour away, try to reassure her that first babies are usually late!

Because when you choose to become a parent, you’re signing up to care for your child for life. It looks different when they’re adults but it never ends. I’m not sure why anyone would pick a theatre trip over the needs of their pregnant daughter with clear mental health issues because she was abandoned mid pregnancy. I literally cannot understand that perspective.

I’ve said it before but this poor woman needs therapy AND the support of the people closest to her. If someone’s at their lowest, you show up for them how they need you to. If her partner had died and not just abandoned his partner and child, I feel people would be way more caring. She’s still lost a lot. She’s still grieving the life she thought she was about to have. She’s still facing parenthood alone.

100% won’t end at the birth. OP and her husband are in for a rough ride. They will be expected to be available all the time.

Don’t be so heartless. If it’s her first this is bound to be an anxious time. Support her in any way you can. The theatre can’t be that important

Ps I was at my parents leading up to the birth of my first (then dp was working overseas) and they were working so about an hour away, i called once i was in labour, dad got back in about 45 minutes and mum met me at the hospital which was closer to her work than home. As a grown up with less than ideal circumstances we have to be self assured too, even if you go alone to the hospital it will be fine and they will look after you

Well her's isn't going to be late is it.

I agree it’s healthy to say I feel anxious but you can acknowledge both that someone is genuinely anxious and that their anxiety isn’t overly rational. It’s a good thing to do that with your own anxieties too. Acknowledge they are there and they feel uncomfortable but also that they are based on fears that are unlikely to materialise and you can let them go.
Having a back up or two is probably a good idea regardless of the theatre trip since there is always a possibility parents could be unavailable for some entirely different reason. Surely there are other family members or friends who can be some support and surely extending the circle of people offering support and letting everyone get a break from time to time is a positive thing?

Another one with a crystal ball.

This - however what you've said about dates doesnt stack up. If she is having a scheduled c section at 37 weeks that would suggest a serious concern for her or the baby's health or both.

Sorry, you’re right. She’ll suddenly stop demanding their attention after the baby. All her anxieties will suddenly be washed away as soon as the baby arrives.

OK, swap sane for rational if you find it triggering.

I was responding to the fact the poster had written she would be thinking about this day for years to come. Others have said the same, one even said would destroy relationships with daughter and grandaughter!

This is an overreaction, and some.

They are going to the theatre. They're not going on a two week cruise. They are an hour away, one hour.
The fact the OP is even here on MN worrying about it shows me she is a lovely mum, concerned about her daughter and nothing she has written tells me she won't be helping her daughter in the future, nor has she not helped her up to now.

So the possibility of someone holding a grudge against her parents for going out for 4-5 hours is just unfair and smacks of being spoiled, irrational, no matter how nervous or anxious the pregnant daughter may be. Perhaps it's time to put things into perspective for the daughter.

For sure, it is a scary position to be in, a single mum, 1st child, but her feelings are just feelings, they are not factual things and those are slightly irrational. Why has the daughter not invited a friend around for a takeaway for the evening and a good old chinwag if scared of being alone? Why is a 30 year old lady not capable of making another plan? It's a 5 hour evening out, of which they have already offered to check phones and come back immediately, she should be wishing her parents to have a good time. Wanting the best for your family goes both ways.

You and your DH both sound vile from the first sentence. Hope you’re not expecting any help from her when you’re old and vulnerable!

Your DD sounds excessively anxious, and that's the crux of the issue that needs dealing with. If you go, she will be anxious; if you don't go, you are reinforcing her anxiety.
She needs reassuring, information, and coping mechanisms. Can you encourage her to speak to her Midwife for reassurance about first labour and timescales?
Can you sit with her and make a plan of action in case she does go into labour?
She needs to feel like things are under control, but currently she doesn't (understandable in the circumstances)
But in the long term, it will be more helpful to help her deal with her anxiety in a realistic way, than give in to it and perpetuate it.

YANBU. She's in her 30s and needs to just get on with it. I was pregnant and single when I was 18. My parents lived and worked 600 miles away in another country (I chose to move back), and although my mum flew across every few weeks, I was living on my own until 38 weeks when she came to stay. Yes I had a village who I could call, but at any given time during the day it would have taken someone more than an hour to get to me because everyone worked etc.

I say this with kindness, but your DD needs to build some resilience because this is the "easy" part. And you need to set some boundaries otherwise you are going to end up giving up your life to support her every time something difficult happens during her child's life. Obviously if that's what you want, then you're entitled to that. But the post makes me think you don't want to be the second parent to this baby.

And that’s a problem because….?

When you have kids, you are their parents for life. Sometimes adults hit rock bottom and parents have to act like they did when their kid threw up everywhere in the night. Is it always fun? No, but if your kid needs you (especially your pregnant, abandoned daughter), you just show up. There doesn’t seem to be any suggestion of any long term reliance on the parents or any abuse of their kindness over the years. She just got dumped when pregnant and has turned to her parents for help. This poor woman needs her parents to be there for her and some very good therapy.

Statistically it will be fine. You are are going around an hour away?! My husband regularly did that at this stage for work and l was having twins! If she’s that concerned then maybe one of her friends could sit with her?

Your daughter is telling you she is frightened and she needs you. Why would you go to the theatre?

Send your husband if you must but dear God, to go when she's told you she needs help- that is cold!

Most people with a loving relationship with their child would cancel in a heartbeat if that child was vulnerable and had no other means to get to hospital in the end stages of pregnancy. If I were you, I'd woman up and tell him you're not going.

You and I agree on the therapy. The parents are clearly there for her, but apparently aren’t allowed to go to the theatre as that would make them the worst parents.