To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

An hour sat on your own in pain and panicking will feel like a very long time. Also I don't think I'd be reassured by - don't worry darling, in the vast majority of first labours an hour won't make a difference'. She could easily be in yhe group where it does make a difference.

i was still going to work an hour away from home and my DH every day when I was 38 weeks pregnant. So I’m going to think being an hour away is just fine!

However, I wonder if this is less about being an hour away for one evening and more about how vulnerable and alone she’s feeling.

I’m not sure what I’d do in your shoes - but if you’re willing to support her through this then working on helping her feel connected to you is the way forward not hyper focusing on this one night.

Your DD is facing having her first child, is clearly terrified of being alone, and you and your DH are more concerned you might miss out on attending the theatre.

You're a pair of selfish twats.

I imagine, if you are that kind of parent, you wouldn't have been told about your daughter's feelings in the first place.

She'd have found someone else to mother her.

Im sorry you had that experience. Have you had counselling to help you process that experience? If not you will clearly have had to wall off your emotions and harden your heart to cope. That doesn't mean that's the best way to deal with these kind of issues - in fact it's categorically not - and so I'd definitely say I wouldn't want OP's daughter to have to do that. It's a recipe for post partum depression.

your maths isn't mathing.

If she's having a c-section in 9 days, and her due date is a week later, she's closer to 38 weeks, not 36.

9+7 = 16 days, not 28.

At this close to 38 weeks, no, i wouldn't go, i'd stay and tell DH to sell the tickets.

I have a very close relationship with ball my kids. Including 2 daughters. They can rely on me to tell it how it is. None of them take any shit either.

What exactly would you consider a proportionate level of anxiety for a woman who was recently abandoned by her partner and is nine days away from major surgery which will also see her become a lone parent, not by choice? Just out of interest.

Counselling? Seriously Shit happens get on with it. At least if I'm " hardened" I'm not falling to bits every 5 mins unlike sone peope

I read it that the "unfortunately" part is with reference to her being on her own after her partner's desertion rather than unfortunately pregnant, so I excuse that altogether.

Options: 1. Suggest she speak to her midwife and accept reassurance that she is unlikely to go into labour this weekend and even if she does there will be ample time to reach hospital before anything needs doing. 2. Set up a special alert on your phone so that in the unlikely event that she goes into labour just as the curtain is rising you will be able to respond. Though I can't see your DH being happy with having to leave the performance in that case, which he would if you travel together. 3. Nominate a volunteer to go with DH to the show and take him there and back, because presumably you'll need the car.

Is DH hardening his heart against this because he thinks it's all getting out of hand and out of proportion and DD needs to start practising more independence, given that she's about to have sole charge of an infant and he foresees your being taken over completely? |Otherwise I think it would have to be a very special show that I'd set my heart on forever not to be prepared to give it up if it were me.

What support besides her parents does your DD have? Clearly she is, understandably, feeling even more vulnerable than most expectant new mothers would. Nobody can be indispensible, so if she doesn't have a network apart from you it is essential she starts making one.

@Northerngirl821 has it right. People are taking extreme positions on here, and either demonising the mum for planning to go out - cruel! selfish! uncaring! dominated by even crueller DH! - or demonising the daughter for wanting support - ridiculous! dramatic! wet lettuce! Etc.

But there is a middle ground, and if the parents can team up with the daughter and get her to realise that she is capable of working towards a practical solution with them, it'll be better for all of them.

(Don't know why I'm typing this, I doubt OP will be back)

Yes exactly this - it's about her vulnerability. I at 39w drove myself 90 mins away to stay somewhere overnight and was fine, but I wasn't in the position OP's DD is where she desperately needs some support, stability, and certainty. This support, even if it seems over the top cancelling the theatre, will make all the difference to how she feels.

It is unfortunate that she chose to have a child with a feckless man without the benefit of marriage.

Your daughter is heavily pregnant, with no partner to support her at one of the most vulnerable times of her life. She is probably going through a whole spectrum of emotions right now. Doubt, anxiety, worry and many more. She needs her mum and dad right now. You can go to the theatre another time, travel and watch it at another location. You won't get the chance to be here to support your daughter in this moment again. Have a kind word with your husband. Even if your daughter doesn't go into labour, it will give her peace of mind knowing her mum and dad are there ready to be by her side.

She chose to have a child without the benefit of marriage.

These type of men don't become irresponsible overnight - she must have had a clue.

You didnt write anything nasty! Just the truth from what I read.

How would being married prevented him from leaving her? Plenty of husbands leave their pregnant wives.

I'm a big advocate for marriage before children, but it's irrelevant to this situation.

I would agree, if the situation wasn’t pregnancy related and the additional context of being left by her partner wasn’t there. But the pregnancy element means she is automatically vulnerable and she does need someone who can quickly take her to hospital so she doesn’t risk having a birth she clearly doesn’t want. If she was wanting a vaginal birth, it would also be slightly different because there’s more time.

Plus there’s the partner leaving side of things - she’s already been through a hugely traumatising event. I’m all for breaking the loop of anxiety but sometimes to do that you need to first show people with anxiety just how reliable people can be. She needs to establish some trust in others again before she can feel confident. Even then, it’s hard to feel confident about birth when you’ve never done it. If she is left (even though it doesn’t seem like a big deal to many), it doubles down on the anxiety - that people she needs leave when she really needs them. She won’t become resilient, she’ll feel abandoned again. She’s at risk of things like PPD /PPA so right now, she needs love and help. Not forever, but just for the next few weeks while her life changes. I think people should do whatever they can to try to avoid PPD/PPA. Her partner let her down so now her parents need to step in.

The confidence and rebuilding will come with the therapy I suggested. Being there for your kids at their lowest isn’t misguided parenting. It’s just caring. I’d do the same for a friend in the same position, to be honest. Sometimes, people just need to be looked after for a little bit. No lessons or ‘building resilience’, just a bit of TLC. Especially when facing becoming a single mum just before birth!

9 days (now 8) before a C section is not 3 weeks.

The 15th century called, they want their judgy grandma back.

marriage doesn't make a man stay.. i'm not sure in who's world you think it does these days.

Well we don't seem in the least bit interested in teaching kids to be resilient or independent any more so this is the inevitable result.

You might not want to believe it, but knowing that your mother will 'tell it like it is' does not create a close bond - it creates anxiety.

One way of dealing with that anxiety is to 'not take any shit'.

You were horribly let down yourself, and now you're passing it down the generations.

This is a trauma response - it's not happiness or closeness.

Tell her to stop being so wet and go to the theatre. I'm with a husband. If a 30-something cannot cope with being alone for a couple of hours when she might (or most likely not) go into labour, then what kind of mother will she be. She's not 'young', she's a mature woman.

I gave birth at 24, alone, in a foreign country. I had a husband, but he was away at the time due to unforeseen circumstances. And nothing, I didn't die. Gave bith just like billions of other women before me and after.

Can't stand wet, weak and whingy people, tell her to get a bloody grip, it's not a trip to Mars, just giving birth.

Of course she's allowed to feel anxious. As you said, that's perfectly normal. It isn't normal to expect other people to change their plans on the off chance she happens to go into labour that day or to be considering a hotel near the theatre in the few hours OP will be there.

Parents can be there for their adult children which I'm sure OP will be without needing to cancel any and all plans. I'd be reassuring my daughter that my phone will be on and I will leave the theatre if she does end up going into labour at that exact moment.

You can be there, you can be reassuring etc but you also don't have to feed the anxiety. I'd see it as my job to reassure, not to feed the anxiety.