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Original poster

To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

1000 replies

Yournw · 07/10/2025 23:14

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

OP posts:
RubySquid · 08/10/2025 09:07

MittensForKittens123 · 08/10/2025 09:03

Please support your daughter, I’m older than her, and recently had my second. My mum came to stay so that she would be there to look after my eldest and my husband could come to the hospital with me. I don’t think I properly relaxed until she came to stay with us. Even though she’s an adult she will really appreciate your support.

Did your mum come and stay at 36 weeks onwards? Using up all annual leave from work?

Ocelotfeet27 · 08/10/2025 09:07

RubySquid · 08/10/2025 09:05

But how is the daughter going to cope if her parents are at work when she goes into labour

Show quote history

She's not asking them not to go to work, so presumably that's because either parents or retired or they aren't an hour away like they would be at the theatre. Not that hard.

Sarfar45 · 08/10/2025 09:08

However old my dd was if she wanted me there I would be there. Going into labour on your own would be scary, she’s on her own and understandable worried.
If I was in your situation I would ask her if she wanted to come and stay for a bit.
When you say “Dd is unfortunately pregnant “ it doesn’t sound like you’ve been overly supportive so far.

saraclara · 08/10/2025 09:08

JaneEyre40 · 08/10/2025 08:25

I think you need to get higher standards. Of course my partner stopped work and was on hand. He's my partner, the father of the child.

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You had your partner give up his job? How long for? The whole pregnancy? The last trimester?
WTAF?

LadyKenya · 08/10/2025 09:08

myglowupera · 08/10/2025 09:00

OP you and your DH both just sound very frustrated and pissed off with her. She definitely can do it without you both and I hope she does.

Well she very obviously cannot. Also you have no idea what they have had to do, in terms of support for their DD, in her life. It is very easy to judge from a couple of OP's posts, but it is not wise to do so.

RubySquid · 08/10/2025 09:09

Ocelotfeet27 · 08/10/2025 09:06

Certainly a ruder one. FFS have some empathy - did you give birth alone knowing the life you'd planned for your baby wasn't going to happen? If not, shut up and recognise that different people have different needs and that those change I different circumstances. That is not being a wet lettuce. Christ!

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Yes I did actually. At 20 years old not mid 30s. With a " partner" who was deployed for 6 months and constantly out drinking when time off

Northerngirl821 · 08/10/2025 09:10

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 09:01

As far as I can tell, your daughter is feeling extremely anxious about birth. I’m guessing she feels really out of control at the moment, especially after being abandoned by her partner and now this is triggering her to feel abandoned again by you. It’s not that you’re doing something objectively wrong by going to the theatre at this time, it’s more that she is incredibly vulnerable at the moment and the context means she needs people not to ‘let her down’ right now. It’s hugely traumatising going from facing parenting as a couple to suddenly being left to do it alone. She has turned to you for stability and that’s what you need to give. And if she’s scheduled for a c section, she will be anxious that if she goes into spontaneous labour, the clock is ticking on how long she can actually have the birth she wants (C-section) rather than be forced into a vaginal birth (which will add to the trauma).

If I were you, I’d drop everything for her. She’s been through a lot and doesn’t need any more stress. She needs to feel safe and supported because she’s been massively let down by the person who was meant to be in this together with her. I appreciate that this may feel like a huge burden and not how your pictured becoming a grandparent but ultimately, your daughter really needs you. Leaving her at this point only exacerbates the feelings of abandonment she’s already drowning in. Tough love isn’t going to make her ‘see sense’, it’ll just make things worse. It’s more than just pre-birth wobbles: she needs someone to be there for her without fail.

I’d also have a chat with her about therapy. She’s been through a lot and she’s about to go through an entirely uncontrollable rollercoaster. For her sake and for yours, it’s important she takes back some power and knows that she is so much stronger than she might feel. She needs support but she also needs to be empowered by you. But, to be clear, telling her you’re leaving isn’t the empowerment she needs! Once her baby arrives, she needs to be told all the time how well she is doing and how she should listen to her instincts and figure out her way of parenting. Don’t feel like you need to take over as that won’t help here either!

But responding like this is just reinforcing the anxiety and giving her the message that of course she can’t possibly cope on her own and she must have her parents near her at all times and they must give her whatever reinforcement she needs.

There is a middle road between “tough love” and just reinforcing anxious behaviour and keeping them in a childlike dependent state!

We can support our children but also help them to manage their anxiety, regain their own confidence and develop strategies for coping and resilience. We aren’t setting them up for a happy fulfilling life and healthy adult relationships if we’re still “gentle parenting” them as adults which seems to be the established wisdom on here!

saraclara · 08/10/2025 09:10

Winter2020 · 08/10/2025 08:52

Your daughter needs you around for 9 days before her C section and probably a couple of weeks after that. Is that really such a big deal? Can't you put non essential parts of your life on hold for 3 weeks for your child?

The daughter is asking her to be around for 3 WEEKS BEFORE the c section.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 08/10/2025 09:10

First babies are not born within the first hour of going into labour, you can get back long before she needs to get to hospital or is in any significant pain. This is all very dramatic.

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 08/10/2025 09:11

I appreciate your DD is anxious and worried. Pregnancy and labour is a frightening time. She is also an adult. She has said herself that you she will book a hotel near the theatre if you continue to go so i would say if that's what it takes to make her feel comfortable about the situation then I would let her do that. Obviously if you can rearrange or cancel the show and you're happy to do that then that is also an option but it sounds like DH doesn't want to so that seems like the only option.

It would be highly unlikely for her to go into labour and have the baby without you guys being able to get back in time if it is an hour away. Try to reassure her of this or speak to midwives about this. Like you've said you're planning to keep your phones on.
She should have another back up person on stand by just in case. My friend lives at least 2 hours away from parents and needed someone to look after her 3 yr old in case she went into labour in the middle of the night so she compiled a list of 5-10 people who would be happy to be on standby to come over to her house whilst one of the parents came over. I presume if she's booked in for a c/s that if she went into labour or her waters broke they would attempt a semi - urgent c -section anyway if there was time for that.

Katiesaidthat · 08/10/2025 09:11

MotherofPufflings · 08/10/2025 09:06

You are being utterly ridiculous to make a judgement on anyone based on a single word - even more so on the placement of a word - in a post from someone you don't know. People and real life are more complicated than that. Do you always express yourself perfectly or do you think that sometimes people misinterpret what you say?

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I am not being utterly ridiculous. I am telling my opinion on an opinion forum. Live with it.
The OP didn´t come back and say, Oh no I didn´t mean it like that, didn´t reread before posting and hadn´t realised how it read. Neither has she come back to defend her daughter from the gratuitous "judgements" (as you call them) from other "ridiculous" posters. So no, she said what she meant and meant what she said. Both her and her husband sound thoroughly pissed off that they have to pick up where the useless partner scarpered. "Unfortunately" how they treat her during her pregnancy, birth, afterbirth will stay with her and further damage their relationship going forward.

Sassylovesbooks · 08/10/2025 09:13

Your daughter is dealing with a relationship breakdown whilst pregnant, moving back to her hometown and all the worries that having a first baby bring, at once. Her self-esteem has taken a huge pelt, and it's having a knock on effect with her self-confidence, making her over anxious. My husband worked 40 minutes away (on a good day!) when I was pregnant, and he couldn't be with me 24/7, the closer my due date got. This is normal for a very high proportion of women. I agree with your husband, go to the theatre, keep your phone switched on to vibrate if there's an issue, so you can leave if necessary. Or alternatively your daughter asks a friend or another family member to stay with her whilst you go to the theatre.

saraclara · 08/10/2025 09:13

The OP didn´t come back and say, Oh no I didn´t mean it like that, didn´t reread before posting and hadn´t realised how it read.

Yes she did @Katiesaidthat

shhblackbag · 08/10/2025 09:14

LuLuLemonDrizzleCake · 07/10/2025 23:19

While she is clearly anxious and perhaps vulnerable, she needs to learn that you can't just drop everything "just in case ". She needs counselling to help build her resilience and confidence.

This. Go and leave if something happens. You can't stop living your lives because she's having a child.

Katiesaidthat · 08/10/2025 09:14

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 08/10/2025 09:10

First babies are not born within the first hour of going into labour, you can get back long before she needs to get to hospital or is in any significant pain. This is all very dramatic.

Says who? Not my case. In 45 minutes the contractions were mega strong, and almost fully dilated in an hour and a half. First and only child. Luckily my husband was at hand.

AnxietySloth · 08/10/2025 09:15

Of course you should go to the theatre. An hour is going to make zero difference in the vast majority of first labours (in the very, very unlikely event she even goes into labour). She's about to be a single mother - she's going to need to be a bit more resilient very fast.

Kelticgold · 08/10/2025 09:15

Your poor daughter. It seems that she needs to learn that she can’t count on you. The earlier the better. It will definitely help her to build some resilience.

saraclara · 08/10/2025 09:16

It's interesting that the comments don't reflect the voting. Most people voting think OP is not being unreasonable.

Toofficeornot · 08/10/2025 09:16

Has she got absolutely noone else nearby that can be on hand in an emergency?a neighbour, friend, a friend of yours?
It is highly unlikely that she will go into labour on that exact evening but it seems like having one person that she can call would be the best option.

Sc00byDont · 08/10/2025 09:20

@Yournw you say ‘She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.’ By my maths - 9 plus 7 is 16 days, so she’s actually around 38 weeks now and by Saturday she will be nearly 39 weeks. No wonder your DD is worried about going into labour!

Your DH is being a dick - is he not her dad by any chance?

I understand you may have thought the heavy lifting of parenting was over, it could be… you need to make a choice.

it’s time for you to decide how much you want to support your DD as a single mum. If you aren’t happy to step up, probably best to tell her now and head off to the theatre with a merry wave. Be clear she needs to find some friends for day to day support as you have other priorities now she’s in her 30s.

alternatively, you should cancel your theatre trip and reassure your DD that you are going to be there for her.

SalamiSammich · 08/10/2025 09:21

Pragmatically, you should be fine to go and keep phones on.

But... you say you've been supportive but the tone of your post doesn't really come across that way at all... "unfortunately", "partner left her", "tried our best", "husband insists" etc. It comes across cold.

I think if you'd taken her in, been making her dinners, asking whst she wants at the shop, making a fuss of her, bringing her tea etc she would be feeling way more settled and able to cope. So I think yur version of "trying your best" is reaping what you sow. I'd have done all of that and more for my child so I know if she was panicking about me being out, it would be because she's stressed so I would cancel. But she wouldn't need me to because I'd have been bending over backward for her to the extent she'd be desperate to be left alone for an afternoon.

So without knowing how you've been supporting her, it's hard to judge if it's fair enough you want a few hours out or if she's being ott.

HappyGolmore2 · 08/10/2025 09:21

saraclara · 08/10/2025 09:10

The daughter is asking her to be around for 3 WEEKS BEFORE the c section.

Edited
Show quote history

She's not, the section was 9 days from yesterday which would mean it's planned for a week tomorrow. The theatre trip is 4 days before that on Saturday, but the real issue is that the DD is asking for support and reassurance from the one person it's generally a given will always give it - her mum.
The father, well, quite frankly he doesn't get it because the feeling of absolute vulnerability that being pregnant and giving birth can leave you with isn't something he's ever had to experience.

As a mum I would over rule the father and tell him your going to go and make DD some tea that night, and watch telly with her or hang out with her or whatever just so she has a bit of company before her life changes for ever.

LeopardPants · 08/10/2025 09:23

HedwigEliza · 08/10/2025 01:19

You honestly think you’re in a position of moral superiority when you make unwarranted personal attacks on posters you disagree with? Amazing.

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The poster accused the OP’s daughter of “ridiculous behaviour”. I would say that is taking a position of moral superiority and I was pointing out how unsympathetic it was. Amazing or not.

HappyGolmore2 · 08/10/2025 09:24

Toofficeornot · 08/10/2025 09:16

Has she got absolutely noone else nearby that can be on hand in an emergency?a neighbour, friend, a friend of yours?
It is highly unlikely that she will go into labour on that exact evening but it seems like having one person that she can call would be the best option.

I have to say the absolute LAST thing I would have wanted just before I gave birth would have been a neighbour! or a friend of my a parents! or even a friend of mine. I wanted - DP, my mum, and at a push my sister would have done. I certainly would have wanted a neighbour when I was going into Labour...

LeopardPants · 08/10/2025 09:25

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/10/2025 00:34

I have sympathy for her situation but I don't believe that feeding her anxiety is the answer. Again, what is she going to do when the baby arrives? Will OP never be allowed a life of her own again?

OP isn't going out of the country. It's a massive over reaction.

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Surely she is allowed to feel anxious. Most first time mums are anxious without the added pressure of no partner and a guaranteed C section. If it was my daughter I’d want to be there for her as my mum would have for me.

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