To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

She’s being panicky
in the unlikely event she goes into labour you will get back for her
say this calmly on repeat

I think she's being a bit of a drama llama. I (and millions of other women) are still working and so away from their support system for many hours a day at that stage of pregnancy. I think it would be reasonable to make a "just in case" plan if she is worried, she could perhaps discuss this with a midwife? But she's an adult, it's her planning to do.

When does it stop? It hasn't even started. OP's daughter lives on her own so I'm not sure how that translates to OP giving up her whole life to care for her daughter and the baby.

They may not work an hour away but it doesn’t mean they can leave early.

My sisters first baby went from first twinge to crowing within 3 hours. She was on the floor groaning after 1 hour.

is it possible for DD to come with you to the theatre if she's so worried about being alone?

It would be ridiculously disingenuous to pretend it is anything other than completely un-ideal that the OP is facing solo first time parenthood, not out of choice, but because her partner left her halfway through her pregnancy, when it was presumably too late to consider terminating. So she’s dealing with the loss of a longterm relationship at a particularly vulnerable time, having to move house (and town, by the sound of it) and facing into FT motherhood in circumstances she hadn’t planned. I’d call that ‘unfortunate’ by any standards.

I think the OP just put the word in an "unfortunate " place in the sentence?
If she said "my dd is pregnant and very unfortunately her partner has left her" would that be better?

Well exactly, and we had no family to help nearby, and with second child we also had to find someone to look after first child as well.

I understand your DD is anxious but sometimes feeding the anxiety is the worst thing you can do.

Get her to get a friend in that evening. Don't be dismissive of her feelings but reassure her that you will have your phone on.

Is the father not wanting to be involved at all?

Actually that sounds miles better.

If my daughter asked this of me I would do it. If I asked my mother, she would do it too.
I was set for induction at 38 weeks due to risk of placenta failure. My neighbour was booked for cesarian as the baby was breech and huge. We don´t really know what complications she had that mean she is booked so early. That may be adding to her anxiety and her worry of the unknown. I broke waters and 45 minutes later there is no way I could´ve driven a car to hospital the contractions were so strong. Each woman is different.
OP, your daughter is your priority. YOu would never forgive yourself if something went wrong, and the theatre is not something I would mind missing when on the other side the birth of my first grandchild is something that only happens once.

So going through a relationship break up mid-pregnancy, having pregnancy complications that have mandated an elective caesarian and being scared of going into labour alone makes someone a 'wet lettuce'?

You should be deeply ashamed about your lack of empathy. I also judge OP's mum who will obviously be reading these horrible judgemental posts about her own daughter but not returning to the thread to stick up for her.

Trying to support her to manage her anxiety will do her more good in the long run than just giving in and letting the anxiety rule. She’s clearly still dealing with the fallout from her relationship ending. Has she had any counselling or other mental health support with this? There are coping strategies for anxiety that could really help, also things like hypobirthing techniques (I know it’s a CS but they can also help reducing anxiety ahead of the birth).

I wouldn’t cancel the theatre but I would encourage and support her to get help for her anxiety and see what can be done to make her feel calmer and more in control.

OP you and your DH both just sound very frustrated and pissed off with her. She definitely can do it without you both and I hope she does.

Are people really suggesting OP and her DH should stay within one hours drive of their DD for the next 3 weeks at least? That seems massively excessive, and if she is this anxious now, unlikely to change once the baby arrives. How long should they arrange their entire lives around their adult childs anxiety?

I would go OP, encourage her to have a plan, and seek help for her (totally understandable) anxiety.

As far as I can tell, your daughter is feeling extremely anxious about birth. I’m guessing she feels really out of control at the moment, especially after being abandoned by her partner and now this is triggering her to feel abandoned again by you. It’s not that you’re doing something objectively wrong by going to the theatre at this time, it’s more that she is incredibly vulnerable at the moment and the context means she needs people not to ‘let her down’ right now. It’s hugely traumatising going from facing parenting as a couple to suddenly being left to do it alone. She has turned to you for stability and that’s what you need to give. And if she’s scheduled for a c section, she will be anxious that if she goes into spontaneous labour, the clock is ticking on how long she can actually have the birth she wants (C-section) rather than be forced into a vaginal birth (which will add to the trauma).

If I were you, I’d drop everything for her. She’s been through a lot and doesn’t need any more stress. She needs to feel safe and supported because she’s been massively let down by the person who was meant to be in this together with her. I appreciate that this may feel like a huge burden and not how your pictured becoming a grandparent but ultimately, your daughter really needs you. Leaving her at this point only exacerbates the feelings of abandonment she’s already drowning in. Tough love isn’t going to make her ‘see sense’, it’ll just make things worse. It’s more than just pre-birth wobbles: she needs someone to be there for her without fail.

I’d also have a chat with her about therapy. She’s been through a lot and she’s about to go through an entirely uncontrollable rollercoaster. For her sake and for yours, it’s important she takes back some power and knows that she is so much stronger than she might feel. She needs support but she also needs to be empowered by you. But, to be clear, telling her you’re leaving isn’t the empowerment she needs! Once her baby arrives, she needs to be told all the time how well she is doing and how she should listen to her instincts and figure out her way of parenting. Don’t feel like you need to take over as that won’t help here either!

Maybe we are just of a more resilient generation.

As someone who recently gave birth the way your parents and family treat you during this vulnerable time stays with you, regardless of the situation with the babies father. Tread carefully. You shouldn't really have your phone on in the theater and for me it felt a bit telling that you wrote 'DD is unfortunately pregnant'...

I think YABU. It's the theatre FFS not a once in a lifetime trip. Her comfort should come first surely?

But trying to find an interim solution is sensible IMO. Can a friend spend the evening with her, and if she does go into labour unexpectedly friend can drive her to the hospital whilst you race across? If there isn't anyone suitable then I'd just rearrange the date of the theatre or cancel. Honestly in her position I'd be really frightened - because labour isn't just labour for her is it, which is scary in itself, it is a reminder she has no partner to support her and that her child will grow up fatherless or at least in two homes. That's a lot for her to have to deal with adult or not. Stop being selfish.

Please support your daughter, I’m older than her, and recently had my second. My mum came to stay so that she would be there to look after my eldest and my husband could come to the hospital with me. I don’t think I properly relaxed until she came to stay with us. Even though she’s an adult she will really appreciate your support.

So the people she would rely on to support her having her baby have said no?

How awful for her.

I had my last baby independently and my friends were so helpful. One was my birthing partner.

Who is her birthing partner? Why isn't it you?

My friends are the reason I got through my section. I was infected after and completely immobile.

My parents aren't capable of doing what my friends did so I'm not upset with them.

You seem to be refusing though capable and I wouldn't be surprised if she cut you off because of that. I would.

The theatre is only an hour away! If she goes in to labour you’d presumably leave the theatre part way through and head home, and you’d be there an HOUR later!

For context, my DH worked 2 hours away from home during my pregnancies, in the days before working from home. I had planned c sections at 38-39 weeks and it seemed perfectly reasonable that if I went in to labour he’d travel home. If things moved faster than that I’d get a neighbour/friend/taxi to the hospital either with or without the other kids and he’d meet me there.

One evening, one hour away, seems perfectly fine to me. I’d be politely, kindly, telling my daughter that life doesn’t pause for several weeks in advance of labour. Our society has enough structure and support to manage unexpected changes to a plan in the unlikely event of early labour.

But how is the daughter going to cope if her parents are at work when she goes into labour

You are being utterly ridiculous to make a judgement on anyone based on a single word - even more so on the placement of a word - in a post from someone you don't know. People and real life are more complicated than that. Do you always express yourself perfectly or do you think that sometimes people misinterpret what you say?

Certainly a ruder one. FFS have some empathy - did you give birth alone knowing the life you'd planned for your baby wasn't going to happen? If not, shut up and recognise that different people have different needs and that those change I different circumstances. That is not being a wet lettuce. Christ!