Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

1000 replies

Yournw · 07/10/2025 23:14

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

OP posts:
catin8oot5 · 08/10/2025 08:39

My MIL went to a party the night my (single) SIL went into labour and gave birth. Their relationship never recovered.

RubySquid · 08/10/2025 08:39

Moodlable4045 · 08/10/2025 08:37

What the actual f*k planet are some posters on?? Her daughter isn’t being unreasonable, she’s in her final stages of pregnancy, her primal instincts are kicking in, and she wants to protect and nurture. She’s not in rational thought. This is survival mode that all mothers go into, it stems from our primate days when babies were vulnerable at night and being hunted. Our brains haven’t caught up with modern day reassurances, and still react as they once did. There is a load of research on this.

I was in a similar situation with my second born, where we needed some grandparents around to look after our first child if I went into labour pre c-section. My parents were out of the country until 2 days before my C section date, and my in laws went away on a boozy weekend the weekend before. I was in such a state, panicking about who would be able to look after our DD and what the hell we would do if I did go into labour. My brain was in overdrive wanting to protect both of my children, as crazy as it might sound, this is what pregnancy and hormones do to a woman. Everything was fine in the end, and I didn’t go into labour before my planned section date, and my parents were back to help, but having gone through that myself I’ll never put my own children through it.

There isn’t enough support for new mums as it is. Let alone on your own. As anyone saying it’s not a big deal and to get a taxi / call you if she goes into labour while at the theatre, clearly doesn’t understand the complexities and magnitude of Matrescence. Don’t underestimate it.

You shouldn’t go to the theatre, get hubbie to go on his own or with a pal if he wants to. He’s not the priority here.

Edited

My DD was in situation where she didn't have anyone to look after the older one . She merely took a taxi to hospital in the night and had the baby before breakfast.

CantBreathe90 · 08/10/2025 08:40

Your poor DD. This sounds like one of the hardest and most vulnerable parts of her life - she is clearly terrified. I can't imagine abandoning a child in these circumstances, if they were begging me to stay close. Would you even enjoy the theatre in the circumstances?

You and your husband sound almost annoyed about her situation; it's hardly her fault, if her arsehole partner left.

MotherofPufflings · 08/10/2025 08:41

I feel incredibly sorry for the OP. She came here for helpful advice and (with a few exceptions) got 9+ pages of judgement from a bunch of strangers who can't read beyond the word "unfortunately".

cancerfertility · 08/10/2025 08:41

Oh for heaven's sake.

This isn't about practicalities or due dates. It's about a vulnerable woman looking for proof that you (someone) will prioritise her and love her.

Choose as you wish, but know this will have a long tail: ultimately this will be seen by her as 'you chose the theatre over your child'.

I would imagine given the Freudian slip of 'unfortunately' she is also looking for proof that you will love her grandchild and that this will be a special moment for you.

Do what you want. It is not about reasonableness or unreasonableness. Think about what message you want to send and what relationship you want with her and your grandchild going forward (in either way with no judgement: you or your DH may wish to demonstrate that you will not put your lives on hold or you may wish to show that you are there for her when she needs you).

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 08/10/2025 08:41

thestudio · 08/10/2025 08:33

But.. it's not their whole lives. It's a night of mediocre theatre in a Middle England town.

Lots of first time mothers are very scared of childbirth - and she's clearly traumatised by being abandoned at her most vulnerable time.

I just can't imagine being able to make things better for my terrified adult child and not doing it.

Also - I bet your husband has form and this isn't the only way he's a controlling or cruel prick. That's why you feel 'caught in the middle' - you've been trained.

Show quote history

Also - I bet your husband has form and this isn't the only way he's a controlling or cruel prick. That's why you feel 'caught in the middle' - you've been trained.

Yes, exactly this.

"Caught in the middle" generally means you are afraid of one or both of the people who are in conflict with each other. In this case the OP is clearly afraid of her husband, because if she were afraid of her daughter and not her husband she wouldn't be caught in the middle, she would just not go to the theatre.

If she feels caught in the middle it's because she wants to support her daughter but she's afraid to take a stand against her husband. And that's probably the habit of a lifetime which she won't easily be able to kick now.

But if you need a reason to suddenly start standing up to your intransigent bully of a husband after 30 or 40 years of letting him get his way, a newborn grandchild and a daughter who needs love and support is a very good reason.

Allthings · 08/10/2025 08:41

Op, has your DD got anyone else who can be with her or will be close by whilst you go to the theatre?

Moodlable4045 · 08/10/2025 08:43

RubySquid · 08/10/2025 08:39

My DD was in situation where she didn't have anyone to look after the older one . She merely took a taxi to hospital in the night and had the baby before breakfast.

Show quote history

So was she in her own for the labour? Did her husband have to stay home with their older child, or did they all go to hospital together?

cancerfertility · 08/10/2025 08:44

catin8oot5 · 08/10/2025 08:39

My MIL went to a party the night my (single) SIL went into labour and gave birth. Their relationship never recovered.

this: OP can do as she wishes & feel however she wants about DD's request but she needs to know what she is risking.

RubySquid · 08/10/2025 08:44

Moodlable4045 · 08/10/2025 08:43

So was she in her own for the labour? Did her husband have to stay home with their older child, or did they all go to hospital together?

Show quote history

Husband stayed at home with 3 year old

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 08/10/2025 08:45

Are you her only support? I don’t think I would go if my daughger was severely anxious.

Moodlable4045 · 08/10/2025 08:45

RubySquid · 08/10/2025 08:44

Husband stayed at home with 3 year old

Show quote history

Ok, I guess this is an option. But didn’t het husband want to be there for the birth of his second born?

cancerfertility · 08/10/2025 08:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

RubySquid · 08/10/2025 08:48

Moodlable4045 · 08/10/2025 08:45

Ok, I guess this is an option. But didn’t het husband want to be there for the birth of his second born?

Show quote history

Most probably but what do you expect to happen to a 3 year old in the night. Child wouldn't be allowed in the delivery room.

I've actually had one of mine without a birthing partner. Was easiest birth with more helpful midwifes who actually look after you rather than dump you in a room and expect partner to do it

deadpan · 08/10/2025 08:48

Allthings · 08/10/2025 08:35

While everyone is focusing on ‘unfortunately’ it distracts from useful advice. It’s clear that OP is very much bothered, hence posting.

Show quote history

It isn't clear, otherwise she would have made the decision and not posted.

Goldfsh · 08/10/2025 08:49

I don't understand this thread. Why would anyone stay under an hour away from their 30+ yo daughter more than a month before her due date? That's madness. If you were her husband it would be madness. Most people have a commute longer than that.

thepariscrimefiles · 08/10/2025 08:49

ThoseThreeBeautifulNights · 08/10/2025 08:00

I find it really shitty that OP has posted this. Some posters are loving having a chance to belittle OPs daughter and tell us all how they coped so much better and how useless she is. OP has chosen to post this knowing that would happen, because it’s what happens on AIBU. Posting this, when your daughter has been abandoned by her partner, is anxious and distraught is fucking horrible.

Show quote history

I agree. She has allowed posters to call her DD a spoilt brat without saying anything in her DD's defense.

I would imagine that if her daughter saw this thread, their relationship would be massively damaged.

There are obviously some pregnancy complications if her DD is booked in for an elective caesarian in 9 days' time with her first pregnancy but OP has been very light on the facts about her daughter's pregnancy and why a caesarian has been recommended by the hospital.

HappyGolmore2 · 08/10/2025 08:49

Bloody hell OP! If my DD was alone, about to give birth, and anxious on top of that I'm not sure I would be further away than an arm's length!
In fact, even with my DW at my side I STILL wanted my mum. It would be one thing if you had to be away for unavoidable reasons but to go to the theatre?

Katiesaidthat · 08/10/2025 08:49

MotherofPufflings · 08/10/2025 08:41

I feel incredibly sorry for the OP. She came here for helpful advice and (with a few exceptions) got 9+ pages of judgement from a bunch of strangers who can't read beyond the word "unfortunately".

I think the word unfortunately is very telling. More than the rest.

Quicksilver15 · 08/10/2025 08:50

Having had 2 children both by elective c-section at 38 weeks I would say her reaction is over the top. If I would you I’d go anyway but not say anything & if you get a call you can leave anyway. It normally takes women at least an hour to work out what’s going on so I doubt it really not that long a time period, plus if it’s some kind of rare rapid labour she won’t even know what’s happening and the ambulance will be coming to her regardless!

Lighteningstrikes · 08/10/2025 08:51

Unbelievable. How absolutely selfish of your husband.

This is a real kick when she’s down already and from her own father.

Let him go on his own or change the dates.

You stay with her and SUPPORT her. That’s what proper parents do!

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/10/2025 08:52

thepariscrimefiles · 08/10/2025 08:49

I agree. She has allowed posters to call her DD a spoilt brat without saying anything in her DD's defense.

I would imagine that if her daughter saw this thread, their relationship would be massively damaged.

There are obviously some pregnancy complications if her DD is booked in for an elective caesarian in 9 days' time with her first pregnancy but OP has been very light on the facts about her daughter's pregnancy and why a caesarian has been recommended by the hospital.

Show quote history

Pregnant women are allowed to make the decision to have an elective c-section, it might not necessarily be due to medical reasons which is why OP hasn't said anything about that.

Winter2020 · 08/10/2025 08:52

Your daughter needs you around for 9 days before her C section and probably a couple of weeks after that. Is that really such a big deal? Can't you put non essential parts of your life on hold for 3 weeks for your child?

HappyGolmore2 · 08/10/2025 08:53

She's anxious because stuff happens... My waters broke at home, several weeks early, and I immediately start to haemorrhage by the time I got to the hospital an hour later I had lost so much blood that I was passing out, and my DC was born by emergency C section 4 hours later.
Totally healthy pregnancy, no signs anything would go wrong, no planned C section... shit happens and your DD is probably online reading about these kind of stories...

BusWankers · 08/10/2025 08:53

HappyGolmore2 · 08/10/2025 08:49

Bloody hell OP! If my DD was alone, about to give birth, and anxious on top of that I'm not sure I would be further away than an arm's length!
In fact, even with my DW at my side I STILL wanted my mum. It would be one thing if you had to be away for unavoidable reasons but to go to the theatre?

She isn't "about to give birth" weeks yet. Not hours

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.