To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

I suspect this is less about the practical logistics of you being an hour away, and more about the emotional side. She's facing two huge life events at once: the breakup of a long-term relationship and having her first child.

You going to the theatre is less about you being an hour away, and more about the reminder that she has no one in her life who will put her first in this situation. And that's going to be the case for the foreseeable future. She is facing having a newborn, baby, toddler and child without the immediate support of a partner.

If she doesn't have a friend or another relative who can be on standby that night, I'd consider one of you staying home. Will you really enjoy the theatre if you're checking your phone constantly and wondering if you will have to squeeze past everyone mid-scene if she does call?

I don't think this means you have to drop everything every time she feels anxious or needs support. But labour with your first child is a scary unknown and she needs someone.

When does it stop? Do the parents give over their whole lives to care for the 30 something daughter and baby?

You're not "stuck in the middle" between your DD and your DH, OP.

You actually need to have an opinion about this.

How would you feel if your partner had left you during your pregnancy and you needed your parents for support and your dad was taking a stand over some theatre tickets?

For what it's worth, unless her doctors have told her there's a high chance of her going into early labour (which may be the case if she's having a planned C-section at only 37 weeks) it seems very unlikely that she will go into labour this weekend. But that's not really the point, is it? She needs your support right now, and she will always remember whether you were there for her or whether you went to the theatre.

Your husband could go to the theatre by himself and you could stay home with your DD. You aren't joined at the hip and you don't have to do what he decides you're going to do.

Yeah...another reason why she might want her Mum... I can only wish my mother was alive to my baby.

This whole thread is very sad.

This is astonishing.

Your daughter is clearly terrified.

The fact that your husband doesn't give a shit means nothing - you are her mother, grow some mother's balls.

This.

I don’t really think you have a choice.

To paraphrase a well known expression….. A child is for life not just Christmas.

Things have gone pear shaped with her relationship, she’s pregnant ( like it or not) she’s alone.

Clearly she is being objectively unreasonable in asking you to stay with her. If she wasn't, all fathers would work at home for the 4 weeks before the baby is born.

I think there would be far fewer 'cancel the theatre' posts in the following scenario:

'I have an elderly mother who is living with us temporarily. She has fallen a few times recently over the last couple of months and has been unable to get up by herself. I am going to the theatre next week and although I would have my phone on and be able to get back in an hour, and she has an emergency button round her neck, she is worried she may fall and injure herself badly and doesn't want me to go'.

Find out exactly what she is worried about. Transport wise it makes sense to have back up plans in any case due to possibilities of car issues or any reason you may not be able to drive.

Make it clear to her that your support for her is long term, and therefore it needs to be sustainable and allow you to live your life. She will want your help even more after the baby is born but that doesn't mean being literally there with her every minute.

So was my partner lol. He was also a soldier in the gulf war. Not everyone can just " stop working" and wait for babies. In fact mine was a fortnight late. If I had a partbbercwho had sat around waiting since 36 weeks thenthats 6 weeks off work before the baby was Even born

Understandably your daughter is very nervous, she's never done this before, she's vulnerable and alone.
Just cancel the tickets.

Seriously? How long before your due date did he stop work?

I wouldn't have wanted this because it would have eaten into DP's paternity leave. He only got a few weeks and I didn't want it wasted on the run-up to the birth rather than afterwards

I would cancel personally, she wouldn’t ask if she wasn’t feeling very anxious I’m sure. She is a first time mum on her own, she needs your support.

In the opening post the OP says her DD is in her own home.

OP I'm 58. If I asked my dad (mum is deceased) to do something for me he would do it. As far as he is concerned I am still is little girl.

But.. it's not their whole lives. It's a night of mediocre theatre in a Middle England town.

Lots of first time mothers are very scared of childbirth - and she's clearly traumatised by being abandoned at her most vulnerable time.

I just can't imagine being able to make things better for my terrified adult child and not doing it.

Also - I bet your husband has form and this isn't the only way he's a controlling or cruel prick. That's why you feel 'caught in the middle' - you've been trained.

Unfortunately pregnant. There is a tiny human about to pop out soon. If you have been using that sort or language in front of your DD, tread carefully.

She is pregnant, alone and feels anxious. She needs you. You do not need the theatre, you WANT to go to the theatre.

By all means go, but make your peace with the fact that your DD will likely hold onto this forever - imagine if you do miss the birth. Or perhaps you are really not that up for it and don't know how to own it?

While everyone is focusing on ‘unfortunately’ it distracts from useful advice. It’s clear that OP is very much bothered, hence posting.

It depends why she’s booked for the C. To be booked at 37+5… is that correct? Is quite unusual for a first child. They prefer 39.

If you want to take a risk then keep the tickets and say to her you will see on the day.

Even if she was still with partner people work and it’s not unusual your partner could be an hour away.

You might need to keep an eye for post partum anxiety/ depression because it’s not really normal to be this anxious.

Id hope id brought up my kids to be more independent. In fact id be deeply ashamed at producing such a wet lettuce

I went into labour and was totally dilated in an hour and a half, I was at 36 weeks+2. And it was my first. So not vanishingly unlikely.
And OP, I think it´s awful you say your daughter is "unfortunately" pregnant. Do you think you need to express disapproval, that it is socially necessary or something? I hope you won´t refer to little one as the unfortunate grandson.

What the actual f*k planet are some posters on?? Her daughter isn’t being unreasonable, she’s in her final stages of pregnancy, her primal instincts are kicking in, and she wants to protect and nurture. She’s not in rational thought. This is survival mode that all mothers go into, it stems from our primate days when babies were vulnerable at night and being hunted. Our brains haven’t caught up with modern day reassurances, and still react as they once did. There is a load of research on this.

I was in a similar situation with my second born, where we needed some grandparents around to look after our first child if I went into labour pre c-section. My parents were out of the country until 2 days before my C section date, and my in laws went away on a boozy weekend the weekend before. I was in such a state, panicking about who would be able to look after our DD and what the hell we would do if I did go into labour. My brain was in overdrive wanting to protect both of my children, as crazy as it might sound, this is what pregnancy and hormones do to a woman. Everything was fine in the end, and I didn’t go into labour before my planned section date, and my parents were back to help, but having gone through that myself I’ll never put my own children through it.

There isn’t enough support for new mums as it is. Let alone on your own. As anyone saying it’s not a big deal and to get a taxi / call you if she goes into labour while at the theatre, clearly doesn’t understand the complexities and magnitude of Matrescence. Don’t underestimate it.

You shouldn’t go to the theatre, get hubbie to go on his own or with a pal if he wants to. He’s not the priority here.

From a logical point of view I can see where your DH is coming from. I think he probably knows that unless he puts his foot down now this will be life for the next few years. For now it's that your DD may go into labour when you aren't there, later it'll be the baby is unwell she needs support, she is tired and can't cope, she needs this or that - he probably knows there will always be something or other that she says she needs your help with - and this was not the life he envisioned when his DD was in her 30s.

So, having considered it I think your DH is right. She has chosen to have a child, she has to take responsibility for that, you are within calling distance, she needs to learn coping strategies.

You got it completely wrong in your earlier post where you criticised OP's daughter for moving in with her parents, saying that you would never do such a thing, and that OP must be exhausted looking after her pregnant daughter in her home.

Now that you have been made aware that OP's DD is living alone, you are accusing her DD of expecting her mum to sit in her house for several weeks. OP hasn't said that but you are just making stuff up to show her DD in a bad light.

I presume that as OP's daughter's home is in the same town as her parents' home, they are in easy driving distance if she goes into labour before her planned caesarian in 9 days' time. It is the one hour away that is concerning her DD. Depending on what the pregnancy complication is that means that she needs an elective c-section, it could be dangerous if she can't get the the hospital quickly enough. That would be the case if she had placenta praevia, where the baby needs to be delivered as quickly as possible.

The comment is probably more insightful than the post itself. My take is the OP and her partner aren't really that up for supporting their DD and the theatre is just one thing in a line of things that might be disrupted by their disappointing DD.

Did you read the whole sentence? Did your partner stop work before the birth in case you went into labour?

I would definitely stay with her no question! She's feeling alone and anxious and has asked you to stay.
Even if in all likelihood, she wont go into labour and even if she did it'd be ok, that is not the point. She's pregnant with her first baby, her partner has left her and she needs your support.