To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

I had my first at 37 weeks and the time between realising I was in labour and giving birth was 5 hours. I was very scared tbh and would have felt awful being alone for over an hour.

so yes she is an adult but she’s also your daughter and about to go through an experience only you will understand out of her parents.

so I wouldn’t go to the theatre

Does she have a form for being needy and emotionally blackmailing you? If so I wouldn't pander to it unless you're willing to basically raise this baby for her. If it's a one off then cut her some slack, accept that she might be being a bit unreasonable but is growing a tiny human inside her so is allowed to be, be there for her and go to the theatre another time. As pp have said she's highly unlikely to go into labour whilst you're there. Have you actually talked to her about what her expectations are once baby is born? Because by the sounds of it there's some pretty big conflicts of interest between dd and dh especially and you will be in for much bigger arguments if you don't set expectations with both parties.

Mine was going to work every day. That was an hour away.

Wow, your husband needs to give his head a wobble , his daughter feels extremely vulnerable and he does not sound least bit sympathetic , yes it might be fine to go to the theatre but this is his daughter! She’s been dumped and now about to give birth alone she needs you both at this stressful time in her life of course we could say it will be fine but a woman about to give birth needs support and reassurance you are there for her when the father of the baby has disappeared .
If it was me and it was causing so much stress I’d miss the theatre trip , I’m sure it can be done again at a later date . And I’d be having a very strong word with my husband!

why are you talking about quitting jobs and stoping their lives 24/7

this is a very small period of time in all their lives where she needs them or likely more her mum to be close emotionally and physically hardly a huge ask given the circumstances

i absolutely woudl be there for a future partner of my ds in this situation

He isn't a git for wanting to go to the theatre. He is a git for wanting to prioritise the theatre over the needs of his daughter, who is clearly feeling anxious and vulnerable as she approaches the end of what has obviously been a difficult pregnancy for her.

Yes, she is a grown up and she would undoubtedly manage without support if she had to. No, she won't be the first woman to have to go through childbirth alone or indeed the last. But she is feeling alone and scared right now, and she wants her mum.

Some of us actually love our kids and want to be there for them, even when we don't have to. If my dd wanted me in this situation, I would absolutely prioritise her needs, and it would not even occur to DH to put up obstacles - he would want to support dd too.

People saying "DH had to go to work"... can you not see the difference here, honestly? The theatre is an optional jolly. The optics are absolutely terrible, especially in the circumstances. I'm sure you'd all have been equally upset and anxious if your DHs had said they're off on a jolly when you're more or less full term and days away from a scheduled C Section. It would be all "LTB" on here!

She is being ridiculous. Sorry.

I would have a chat with your daughter, lots of hugs and reassurance that the chance of labour while you are a theatre are very small and you will return immediately if she goes into labour, even if that means leaving halfway through the show.

You of course want to be there for her and you will be, but you also don’t need to within a ten minute radius at all times.

Is the hospital very far away? Seems strange that she would book a hotel near the hospital.

But the practical effect is the same. He was still an hour away.

A quick back pedal ……

I think you and your H sound mean

Personally, I think she is being excessively needy. However, why is she booked in for a C section? What’s wrong with the pregnancy, as it's not normal to have a planned C-section for no reason? Is there a genuine risk she will be going into premature labour? Also, did you go into labour early with your children, because that would increase the likelihood of your dd being inclined to shorter pregnancies?

If there is actually no good reason to suppose your dd will be going into labour on Saturday evening and having a rapid and complicated labour, then being only an hour away with your phones on vibrate to alert you if needed during the performance, seems a perfectly acceptable distance to me.

I find it really shitty that OP has posted this. Some posters are loving having a chance to belittle OPs daughter and tell us all how they coped so much better and how useless she is. OP has chosen to post this knowing that would happen, because it’s what happens on AIBU. Posting this, when your daughter has been abandoned by her partner, is anxious and distraught is fucking horrible.

She’s in her 30s, just go to the theatre and if anything should happen, come back.

This isn’t even worth a post imo. Maybe look into counselling if she’s open to it.

I’ve just had a baby and I have a husband. I still needed my mums support throughout. ‘Unfortunately’ pregnant is not nice OP. Surely you will love the baby? Also she’s 30 not 15!

It is. But practicality is almost secondary here. This is about being a Mum and supporting your daughter when she's in an incredibly hard place, over an optional night at the theatre. If OP decides to go, she needs to be prepared for consequences this may have for her relationship with her daughter

That was my first thought too, "unfortunately"!!!!! Jeez I hope they pull themselves together by the time their grandchild is born.

Have people missed that OP's overly-anxious daughter has come up with an entirely reasonable solution for herself? As would be expected of an adult in their 30s?

OP, her plan to check into a hotel near the hospital for the night is a very good one, and I would still go to the theatre.

This is one of those situations where the most supportive thing to do is to empower the daughter to find solutions for herself, rather than infantilise her by cancelling the theatre.

Every time a person is controlled by their anxiety, the control their anxiety has over them grows.

I certainly wouldn’t be cancelling tickets to something that’s only 1 hour away for any of my children in their thirties! She’s unlikely to go into labour 3-4 weeks early with her first pregnancy. Just tell her to text / call if she goes into labour and you’ll return immediately. Goodness me, what if you worked an hour away? (Totally normal for lots of people) would she expect you to use all your annual leave in case she went into labour? I can’t actually believe she thinks this way to be honest. I could use a statistician here to calculate the odds of her going into active labour in this 3-4 hour window!

Go to the theatre, have a good time but check your phone regularly. She sounds immature to be honest, I wouldn’t even expect my parents to take me to the hospital in my thirties. It’s sad that her partner left but there are very few labours that are so quick that you can’t get yourself to a hospital. Lots of people have lost their parents by the time they hit their thirties.

I don’t care if I sound cold btw so no need for anyone to tell me that I am. You can be supportive without giving up your whole life, you’ve raised her and deserve a life, you’re a human being that deserves to live a life that doesn’t revolve entirely around your children.

Context is everything…unfortunately pregnant without a partner which is completely different to unfortunately pregnant.

If the partner was still on the scene there would have been no reason for the OP to have posted as any discussions about being nearby would be with the partner and not the parents who are now having to take on the role that a partner would have fulfilled.

It sounds like you and your husband don't approve of her situation, I understand its probably not what you wanted for you daughter.

However, it's happening. As a parent, I just couldnt imagine not being there for my child no matter the age, for something like this too! I had an emergency section and the recovery is absolutely awful let alone then caring for a newborn. She must be so anxious.

I love the theatre but it's completely not a priority when your daughter is facing a section, then raising a baby alone.

So what people are saying is if the daughter has a girl the girl will need to be trained to know thst as she is female her role in life is to serve others, she can only have a life if involves checking with ot oher people to fit in with what they have planned, no point having a job when the child is older as she will habe to give it up of she has kids, then she needs to provide child care for grandkids and be on call for pregnancy taxi service so give up interests, then care for elderly relatives

And of course if she doesn't do this be told off by other woman for npt doing it by the how to be a female book

I had an elective c section on the actual due date for my first and didn’t have a single sign of labour. I had an elective c-section a week before the due date of my second and again not a single sign of labour, but that was me, these things can be so unpredictable. I can understand her nervousness about it, it’s her first baby and she is alone. You’ll probably spend the entire show thinking and worrying about her anyway.

Baby isn’t even born yet and she’s having to struggle to have the bare minimum from the people that should in theory love her the most. If your husband is being difficult let him go on his own, it is your child and grandchild on the line, go support your daughter or she might never forgive you. Don’t mess with a pregnant’s woman mental health, especially one that’s been dumped mid pregnancy. Red flags for postpartum depression here, I feel so sorry for her and baby to be in this whole situation. Stop being selfish!

I love the theatre too. I just love my daughter more.