Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

I dont want to go back to work ft but if i do then everything will be equal. Including childcare

Sorry but you sound quite lazy and ineffectual, to not even feed the cats that leave in the same place as you is quite petty.

This is a wind up.

Talk to him, find out if there is anything in particular annoying him. Talk about how you feel, how he says one thing then does a complete about turn. Maybe occasionally doing an earlier dog walk with baby would work? Ask for a way to set meals times, good luck

Sounds like he needs to do more child care.
You do all the childcare (bar one hour a day when you get to go out with your dog) which includes seeing friends and family and having fun, and on some days you cook or clean. He does all the paid work, looks after baby whilst you relax taking the dog out and cooks / cleans.

When you're both home, I'd say you need to balance out the house work / childcare stuff. Make him responsible for the baby more, catch up on some of the cleaning. Make sure free time like your hourly walk is also balanced - similarly if you forgot to mention his 3 nights at the pub / gym etc make sure you're getting equivalent chance.
When you're home, I'd expect you to tidy up after yourself and baby, chuck the odd load in etc.

Don't choose your hours to spite your partner
You might as well get divorced now.

You need to leave. It doesn't sound like he loves you or respects you in any way.

Sorry if I am being rude in my replies. Im tired and have been emotional all day. I went to the gym this morning with his support (first time excersing and going swimming as its gentle on prolapse). Ie he said if baby wakes he'll see to her. He said he had work to do before work. I then said I can't go to gym then can I? He said no, go it'll fine. I get back at 815. He is all smiles "still pissed off with me" he asked, i said yes I'm hurt, he then says "fine be like that, oh look, youre back at this time I'll need to rush work now, no appreciation for my working day"

Do you think you could have PND? I have 5 young kids, my middle child is severely disabled, but I do the majority of the housework and cook dinner most nights. My husband also works hard and pulls his weight. I read your post and thought you needed to catch a grip. Its really not that difficult with a baby, its intense and you may or may not be sleep deprived, but if its feeling very difficult you may be depressed.

I do feed his cats. That's the point. I feed the cats, give the medication, supervise the eating so the other cat doesn't eat the medicated food (he is greedy and often tries to eat the other cat food), I'm constantly putting food out, letting them in/out etc and he cant walk my dog.

Oh come on OP. Feeding cats really isn’t a ‘task’.

You’ve already said ‘he only does a little bit more than me’. Okay, does that include his full time job too? I’m sorry but I think you’re lazy, you’re also bang out of order to bring his age up. You chose him.

Uh oh... tomorrow he is sitting on his bum!

Wow ..he sounds like a dick.

No it isn't much to feed cats but one is on medication and if he doesn't eat his food (medication mixed in) he has a fit. So most times he doesnt eat to I need to keep shaking his food and following him around until he eats. I cant leave him alone to eat as the other cat always tries to eat his food. So no its not difficult but it takes up time and isn't as simple as popping food down and walking away. I dont know why people are ignoring this part ffs

Don’t bet on that! The mother is always the default parent to be rung when child is ill and needs picking up early, or is too sick for childcare/school and needs someone to stay at home or go to appointments.

It is usual to grate on each other a bit with a new baby.

Could you both try to save up all your complaints/requests for each other until the weekend, when you're both not working, and then see which ones still seem important.

A large part of the issue is, I suspect, that you are both carping at each other and you especially feel undermined and defensive about it. Tbh it undermines the benefit of having him around.

I did absolutely everything for our first baby as DH was never around (workaholic doing 20 hour days). If I didn't do it, it didn't get done. And tbh it was probably a lot more relaxing than having someone around on my case stressing me out the whole time.

How on earth do you get away with only using dishwasher every few days? 3 of us in the house and I wanted to get 2 installed as they are always on. Even basic toast for breakfast cereal for baby spoons cups glasses it’s not at least once a day

Using a dishwasher is alien to me I never had one before, ever. Its great for big loads or big messes (pots etc) I tend to wash my stuff by hand. Partner hates that and wants everything he uses in dishwasher which is fair.

"my dog", "his cats", "my baby"...

... are either of you actually happy in this relationship?

I've been using it alot more as it is quicker.

I am usually. I was shocked he said the comment about my dog. He always days its his dog too. He's never said "but you bought it with someone else" ie my ex. He's never said like that about my ex.

Get a wrap or a sling and wear your baby so you have 2 hands free to get on with everything else is the answer

This is why shared parental leave is great if you can make it work. Both partners get to experience both sides. It worked so well for us and personally I think it’s made us better parents for it. As in we personally feel like we are better parents than we would have been if one of us was the primary care giver in our situation, not that people who don’t do this are shit parents!!

He doesn't have time to walk the dog! He's working until 7pm. Doing 60% of housework and cooking tea part of the week.

When does he have time for a dog walk?

You have around 10 hours a day spare from 9ish until 7ish while he's working. You may visit friends and family for a few hours each day but surely that still leaves 5, 6 or 7 hours a day??

I mean this nicely, but you are in the wrong here. I've had two kids. My first had colic, didn't sleep, screamed constantly and didn't like lying down. It almost broke me. The second was an easy textbook baby. Both times I managed to clean my house, do the washing etc. The babies are not glued to you all and even when they are, you find a way to get it done. Your husband is working so I don't see why he should do it. Take it in turns to cook, yes, but you should be managing to keep the house in order.

Some practical ideas....
Put baby in a sling and try and get a bit more done each day.
Meal plan for the week ahead and write it on a fridge board.
Leave baby with other half for the day and see what gets done.
Discuss back to work plans. If FT get a cleaner if you can.

I didnt get much done in early part of mat leave, husband never complained, he understood I was knackered/struggling and just got on with it. It's a short period of time in the grand scheme of things.

It got better as time went on and I got baby napping in cot for a couple of hours pm.