Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

She is looking after her baby - she doesn’t have any spare time, especially if baby won’t tolerate a sling or go down for naps.

Honestly some of the posters on this thread are either clueless about the first year or they’ve blocked it out.

Solidarity OP from this currently nap trapped Mum.

You have my sympathy.

It's really hard to do anything with a baby that doesn't like being put down. Add sleep deprivation on top of that and of course you won't be getting anything done other than the bare essentials. Going out is different as babies can be a bit easier with more distractions.

Unfortunately your partner is probably pretty tired as well with work and chores. They probably need a day or two alone with the baby to understand when they are not trying to prove anything.

So an argument is normal, but you both need to agree how you will approach arguing next time so it doesn't get nasty. As that's the damaging bit.

I had three babies under 3 and I still managed the housework during Mat leave. You sound very specific about the token jobs you do, sounds like you could be doing a lot more. It’s wonderful you are so very attentive to your child but you’re not doing your baby any favours by not putting her down at all.

@Olderbutneverwiser

Have you ever asked your husband / partner how work is going? What his days are like? Is he under pressure etc?

Are you the poster who wanted DP to rehome his cats because your Rottweiler doesn’t like cats?

@Procrastinatrixx could you articulate what spare time he has? Between work, commute and the chores he does pick up?

We have not blocked anything out - people are pointing out that having a baby is life changing for both parents and this tit for tat attitude will damage the marriage.

What do you think will happen if they have another baby?

It’s super hard to do anything with a clingy baby! I remember having all these grand plans before I had one about how I would have the house spotless, do ironing etc when in reality baby wants to be held constantly and you are usually super sleep deprived too!
Sometimes baby might be happy in a bouncer for a little bit and you manage to get something done but usually only ten mins or so!

I think it’s really sad he resents you having a nice time on maternity leave. My husband was always super pleased when I was happy having a coffee with friends or at a nice group because it can be really tough, really lonely and a big adjustment to your life. He knew
if I was able to do something I would do it. He was more telling me to sit down and chill when I had the chance!
I’m not sure how you change the attitude though. I would have been really hurt.

There's a reason it's not called "maid" leave. Your job is to recover from childbirth and care for your baby. Everything else needs to be managed as best as possible between the two of you but realistically the house is unlikely to be sparkling when you have a baby.

Can't get over the arsehole cat 😂

No i have a German shepherd.

I feel silly saying that now but the cat does annoy me at times lol

She's not lazy at all, I can't believe some of these replies

I think you are lazy and should be doing more. It is not an achievement to do a load of washing or empty the fridge for a food delivery, these are basic things. You need to put baby down more often otherwise you will end up with her glued to you for the few years and you need to stop blaming her for you laziness.

This is what I think, having young baby all day is fucking knackering there are some posters on here with short memories who love sticking the boot in calling her lazy etc..

Cat's can be knobs sometimes but that's their job, I do love them though!

Why do people who can't stand living with other people enter into relationships with other people?

I think this is just relationships when you have a small child to be honest. Everyone is tired, on a hair trigger and thinking that their share is more than fair. Breathe. Sleep. Move on from it in the morning.

I think you are being lazy and taking the p. You need to get rid of your dog and the cats as you can barely cope with your baby and light household stuff. You need to get a grip and do more house work to have a balanced relationship.

Becuase having a baby changes even the most perfect relationship...

What a horrible comment and way to speak to this person! If you don’t have anything nice or at least constructive to say then you don’t have to say anything you know.

OP so many of the comments here are incredibly harsh. I’m on Mat leave myself and I completely see where you are coming from! It’s so hard to get anything done when you are looking after your baby 24/7. My baby will only nap in the crib for short time and I might get a small job done then but often I take the chance to rest myself as I’m up throughout the night with him. Going for a coffee with some mum friends is absolutely needed to keep you sane and taking the baby to the various classes is work and good for their development. My husband has picked up a large chunk of the household tasks while I’ve been off, he also enjoys cooking and makes the dinners most of the time. He doesn’t complain he just accepts that is something he can do and he enjoys doing the cooking, which is fortunate. At some point your baby will be at nursery or in childcare and no doubt the balance will even out somewhat at home but for now you are taking more of the weight of childcare and he is taking more weight of the household and I think that’s perfectly reasonable. Does he ever have large chunks of time with the baby on his own? Not sure if you’re breastfeeding or how feasible this would be but perhaps he should have the baby for a full day sometime and he will see what the day is like from your side. That said communication is key and you need to be a team so perhaps you can sit down, listen to his side and have a calmer chat and talk through some solutions that allow you both to get a chance to relax. The only thing I have to disagree on is your attitude to the cats 😆 I am a cat person!

Oh yes, JUST get rid of the animals as if they're rubbish. your username speaks volumes

I cannot understand how on some days you do absolutely nothing except look after your child. Like absolutely nothing, no tidying, no cooking, no laundry, nothing. That is just bizarre to me.

I think he resents having to actually lift his little fingers after being at work all day. Sorry to have such a negative view. I briefly let a DP -now ex - move in. He’d lived alone for years n years so capable. Moved in with me n barely did a thing!

Yes there are some really nasty posters on here tonight, shameful. I hope you're ok OP?

I do the cooking on those days. He doesn't view that as household. Im shocked at all the lazy replies. My day is pretty constant with baby, even when out, she just doesn't nap.