Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

Yes, life goes on. Better place today. I dont mind people commenting honestly about their experiences its useful but its the "your taking the piss, your lazy, bone idle" coments that are nasty. Its like every woman thinks everyone's baby / journey is the same. Its actually bizzare. I'd be interested to know if any childless people have commented nasty stuff when they dont even bloody know.
I went to a group today, I got my steps in afterwards, bought partner a nice sandwich whilst out walking so he didn't have to make lunch, I've come home, baby napped, I've started prepping dinner. She's still napping so I'm going to put a wash on then sit with a coffee and relax for a minute. Maybe I'll go crazy and have a shower! 🤣🤣

Me too, while the majority have given helpful advice it's blatantly obvious that some posters have really enjoyed sticking the boot in...onwards and upwards OP I hope things gets better from now on.

Honestly! OP idk why you've taken such a kicking. How old is LO? 1h a day is a lot I think tbf, I do one baby group atm and it's so I can also exercise, starting a second. Could you walk the dog with LO in the daytime and make dinner in the evening instead?

I've never used our bouncer TBF but baby is often okay on a playmat with some toys. My DH WFH, happily does basically all the cleaning and majority of dinner cooking - I was often making the bulk of dinner in the daytime but have dipped on this since LO's been on 3 meals a day, I'm making all his food myself and trying to build a freezer stash of quicker meals I can grab. I've also only left him with LO a few times in 8 months, he has the freedom to go to the gym, go out when he wants as well.

DH is happy though and we check in regularly with each other.

Blimey, that’s exhausting! I wish you well.

You've had a very strange set of responses on this thread. Maternity leave is primarily for recovering from birth and bonding with your baby, it's not for stepping up on your housework performance. You should not be leaving your baby to cry to do housework, the responses which have suggested doing that are quite frankly very unpleasant. And yes, it would be lovely if your baby napped on schedule, but you are not incompetent because they don't. If getting a baby to sleep was so easy, there wouldn't be a whole industry marketing sleep advice and sleep aids to new parents.

As for all this "I had a hot dinner on the table every evening when my man came home from work" malarky, believe me, that is not a precedent you want to set, especially if you'll be going back to work yourself in a few months time. Once habits like that are established, they become expectations and it's quite hard to break free from them. Better to maintain an equal split of chores for these few months so that you have a pattern of equality established going forward.

Ah right. Did he expect you to just do the gym and be back sooner?

I hate cruelty to animals of any kind. You don’t sound a particularly nice person (sorry) because if the poor cat is ill it’s not its fault and should be cared for. Yes I know some cats are nicer than others (I’ve had a lot of cats) but if you’re horrible to it, it’s hardly likely to be nice to you!
As for the husband issue, I was reading your post for ages wondering when you were going to get to the problem - finally you did and wish I hadn’t bothered reading ☹️

You both are in the wrongs…

You both work and should be more respectful of the other. Find something that work and stick with it…even on days you don’t feel like it for you…even if 10more minutes and missing dinner for him.

To be in the same space and with a baby is a huge adjustment. Leave each other space and honestly just move on coz if you stick with this argument…you’ll have hundreds like that!

« You could have done that! »… « Yes, sorry » do better. That is the job. For both of you.

Good luck.

I completely remember how tiring new babies are but unfortunately you cannot run your whole life around them. Try putting baby in a sling while you get a few jobs done, the lighter ones.
Also, decide on a dinner time and stick to it.

I completely remember how tiring new babies are but unfortunately you cannot run your whole life around them. Try putting baby in a sling while you get a few jobs done, the lighter ones.
Also, decide on a dinner time and stick to it.

It's stressful for everyone with small children. I think if you do up a meal plan for each week with some batch cooking at weekends it will make life a bit easier. I actually have a triple slow cooker that I use on Sundays it's a life saver! I had a very fussy baby also who screamed no matter what I did so I used a combination of sling, bouncer, beanbag chair, jumperoo and playpen to get cleaning done. He hated every single one of them but it helped me get things done. How are you managing the fussiness in the baby groups? I wasn't able to do any as he never stopped crying to do any of the activities!

Having a baby adds a lot of stress, especially the first. Mother over whelmed and dad exhausted from work and helping out. It’s not easy for some first time parents.

I'll be honest when I was on Maternity leave I did the housework and dinner most nights without giving it much thought.

Your DH does a lot and you're bu, you have a lot of spare time and could manage more, in your DH' shoes l would not be too happy.

He sounds like a gem tbh . My X did nothing and absolutely no cleaning . I had 4 children and still did it all . That's why he's now an X . You both need to draw up a rota of who does what including his work and child care of which you will obviously do the most when he's working . Split it evenly then he won't feel resentful and you won't feel attacked .

As someone who has been on three maternity leaves, I really feel for you and think he is in the wrong. Your maternity leave is something to be cherished, you will never get this time again, and it’s also a full time job in itself caring for a baby. So do the classes you enjoy, meet friends, sit on the sofa cuddling and bonding with your baby. The housework is not the proiroty. Try to accept as a couple it will slip. Just do the bare minimum, throw a wash on, wipe surfaces etc. Could you get a cleaner? If you have the means this takes off the pressure and also takes away the resentment you and your partner feel about the domestic tasks. life’s too short, just enjoy this time with your baby and do day to day what makes you happy

Cruelty? How am I being cruel I was stating that I do xyz for the cats and he refuses to walk the dog and then moans that walking said dog takes up too much time. Ps, please please read what I've said about medication and supervise eating to avoid the "but feeding a cat is quick and you are bu" brigade! And also, pleade read that 1) baby doesn't like sling or baby carrier and has cried repeatedly when in these things when I've walked both, 2) she doesn't always settle in pram and cries in pram when I walked both and 3) my dog yes sometimes pulls but there are alot of happy dogs in village. When a dog barks at her, she barks back and sometimes pulls and 4) a dog off the lead charged up to us and me and baby where nearly in the middle of a dog fight so yes.. I said with partner agreeing this is stressful walking the two.

Sorry if im being rude but I'm fed up repeating myself because people are too lazy (oh, the irony!) To read a post and replies.

Also, baby gets on well at baby groups as distracted. Baby groups actually tire her out, after sensory on a Thursday, I get lots done when I come home!

To all lazy comments, partner at hobby night on his own. I've made him dinner to come home to. I've done washing, I've sterilised all bottles, I bought partner a nice lunch whilst out on my walk after a baby group (oh the shame to have a social life!) So he spent no time making lunch... And I'm about to bath baby and get her ready for bed... I might even make myself another coffee and maybe read some more MN instead of doing anything else in house 😊 may aswell shoot me now, whatever would the woman back in the day say... dont work, dont socialise and raise baby and clean home only, right?! And enough of these bloody baby groups... shouldn't I be chained to thr kitchen or something??

Have higher standards.. yes I do housework and I'd do more if I didn't have a young teething baby. Dh does more housework.. same as I do like 80/90% of childcare... day (quite right, maternity leave etc) and evenings!

Imagine taking time off to rise a child and recover from pregnancy/child birth and do evrry single thing in the house and cook a hot meal for your man every night all while baby cries for attention... count me out.

Thanks for all honest comments, thanks for sharing your experiences. X

I take on board all comments and do agree we should probably plan meals and meal times. I'll look into a bouncer.

He shouldn't give mixed messages. I should do a little bit more.. he should do more "childcare".

Thank u

Imagine with a 5 month old baby. You work all day then you come home look after the baby, sort the house out, make dinner and deal with night wakings before doing the same the following day. On your days off you spent more time with the baby, do the shopping and bigger deep clean of house as well as trying to fit in stuff like gym, meeting people etc

That's a lot of people's realities

He doesn't do housework everyday!! Or make dinners ffs this is getting tiring

Best comment ever, helpful and kind! And I totally agree with this.

I agree. We've had a good chat today and are in a better place.

I think YABVU. Hes wants you to do one chore per day so he doesnt feel like everything is on him.

Babies are hard work but they are adorable too and I can see why it may appear to him youre hobnobbing and playing while hes doing most of the cleaning and half the cooking on top of working

I’m on maternity leave too at the moment with my 13 week old and I confess I do do all the housework, tidying, cook dinner, laundry, grocery shopping, organising everything with the children etc. I also have a toddler and a dog. I enjoy it though, I’ve always loved looking after the house and I like things done in a very particular way. It also breaks my day up. I used the sling a lot and would carry my little one around on all my cleaning adventures! It’s not totally one sided though, my partner works from home and he makes all the hot drinks, takes the dog out for a walk daily, takes the laundry to and from the dryer in the shed and vacuums during his lunch break when he’ll also offer to take over the children for a bit if I want a break to have lunch. When he finishes work at 5pm we both look after the children 50/50, and the same at weekends.

Buy a sling, that way the baby is being held next to you, but you can get on with doing bits around the home.