Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

You don’t sound very objective. The OP’s partner works full time. He does 60% of the housework by the OP’s estimate. He looks after their child while she takes an hour each evening to walk the dog. And she takes the piss out of his age when he dares to suggest she could do a bit more. This is despite admitting there are days she does nothing apart from be with their one child. She then threatens to put her child into nursery full time to spite him. I hate to break it to you but the woman isn't always in the right just because she birthed the child.

There have been lots of suggestions and advice from other mums regarding how she can make small adjustments to see a big improvement in terms of her ability to put her child down (safely). She has excuses for all of them. Instead she chooses to lug her baby around in a Moses basket she confesses isnt safe. Take the child into the bathroom with her, rather than use a cot etc etc So no, I don’t have a lot of sympathy for a person who had a child with someone and then name calls them a few months in when things get hard.

To be fair attempting to get a 5 year old to nap in a Moses basket isn’t going to lead to good sleep is it? Infact the fact Op thinks it’s safe and appropriate suggests perhaps she needs some parenting guidance to help her get those structures into her day to help.

@orangesmarties9 but he does pitch in, the op clearly said the housework is split 60/40 with him doing more. So he’s working full time and still doing more housework.
The list that the op said she did in a week left lots of household tasks out so if she’s not doing them he must be

I think this is a six of one, half a dozen the other situation, where both partners are wanting to blame the other and it is turning into a bickering party where neither wants to see their own flaws.

By 5 months, even with an unsettled baby, I would expect there to be more of a rhythm to the day to allow time for things to get done. The number of baby groups, meeting friends and parents is likely adding to the unsettlement of the baby, and I wonder whether pulling back from some of that would allow more opportunity for the baby to get into a rhythm with napping properly and allowing time for other things to get done.

Even if slings and prams didn't work previously, they might by now, which would allow dog walking to be done with the baby. Yes, big, strong dog, needs training, which in honesty should have been done before having a baby, so needs addressing now, but a dog and a baby together are manageable with the right tools and techniques.

A calm conversation is needed about what time dinner is at in the evenings, and a bit of meal planning so that it doesn't matter who cooks, as whoever does it knows what is on the menu that night. Flexible timing is fine when there is no baby involved, not so much once there is, and even less so once the baby is also having a meal with you. Online supermarket orders, cooking double quantities so there is enough for the next day, simplifying meal options, whatever it takes to minimize effort.

Routine daily tasks like emptying dishwashers and laundry all take a matter of minutes and there is no excuse for not doing them during the day as they need doing, while the baby is on a playmat. This is separate from cleaning the house, which is more of a joint effort and agreement is needed there about who does what and when.

It is also easy to overlook the pressure that many men feel when they become fathers, in terms of the financial responsibility landing on them. He has clearly indicated he doesn't want OP to spend her savings so may be concerned about making sure they can manage and feels the burden is on him. He is also an older father, adjusting to parenthood and having to work at the same time. My brother was nearly that age when he had his first and was absolutely exhausted by it.

OP unfortunately you won't get much sympathy on AIBU. Posters here are notorious for being nasty. I've just been on the organised mum fb page, you should join it if you think it may help. A mum with a young baby asked for advice and was told to rest & enjoy her baby. The housework can wait. When your dc is in school your house will be tidy

And no problem if her relationship falls apart in the meantime because her husband is sick of the disparity in who does what he?

ISTG most of you are so determined to always make the man the problem it's pathetic. OP needs to do more.

Bearightthere this is a fleeting & precious time for OP. There's no need to be worrying about housework which will eventually get done anyway. Her dh needs to either suck it up or lower his ideals. We don't all need to live in a pristine home.

There are two people on this relationship and the husband already works full time and does 60@% of the housework. He has clearly expressed he would like the OP to do more than she does and her response is to be viciously insulting and decide to put the baby in nursery out of spite (by her own admission).

If OP wants to risk her relationship then by all means she can carry out occasionally emptying the dishwasher and baking banana bread. But if she wants to have a good relationship with her partner perhaps she should find a compromise that works for both of them

That’s fine if that is not a priority, but here both seem to have certain expectations. The baby is five months old, likely to be getting more mobile, and in a home with pets so some cleaning is necessary. If op wants to spend her time with the baby that is great but maybe employ a cleaner, as previously suggested, to lighten the load and a dogwalker so that her dog gets at least one long walk a day.

It isn't housework though that they appear to be bickering over. It is basic household functions - laundry, dishes, meals. Those can't wait until the baby is older, so they need to find a way to make it work because what they are doing now isn't working for either of them. I don't think anyone is suggesting show home perfection is needed with a baby (or in my case, ever).

He doesn't do more though. You're here saying he doesn't.

This is a weird dynamic, with him saying one minute you're doing amazingly, and the next you're doing nothing.

You both need to clear this up. It doesn't stop after maternity leave.

She says he does 60%

Yabvu. I’m a sahm and did 2 mat leaves. The very least you can do is make dinner. And I would be very pissed off if I was your dh and you went off for an hour with the dog and didn’t make dinner.
you are taking the piss here. Absolutely.

And no 5m old needs 4 playgroups a week. A walk around is more than enough. Yes it’s your ML but it sounds like you’re lazy and just not pulling your weight

I hope you're ok OP xx

Sit down with your DH and get a rota sorted so you are both on the same page.
Who is responsible for what on what days.
Who cooks dinner what nights and what times.
Being on the same page will remove the whole not knowing where you are with each other.
On maternity leave I did the bulk of the house admin (cleaning, cooking etc) and looking after the baby during the week. It just worked for us.

I recently had a similar argument with DH. Although I am back at work and my kids are 8 years and 4 years nearly. He was adamant he did the majority of work around the house. I wrote a list for 3 days of every little thing I did to keep the house running etc. Cleaning tasks, cooking, shopping, tidying. He did the same.
Safe to say he agrees I do alot more of the unseen home life admin things that just because I didnt empty the dishwasher today doesnt mean I havent done 100 other things

Hello, I do accept i could do more, I say that to my partner on some days, too. He says no need youre looking after daughter and then he exlodes saying I do nothing. Yesterday I didn't do very much as 5 mo is teething and cried alot so everytime she was put down she was crying and wouldn't settle. I would pop her in a cot but partner said his sister is giving us her kids old one and he will not arrange to collect as he keeps forgetting. I would message but I'm not super close to her and he said he wants to do it when I remind him he then feels I'm pushing him. My dog is fine when its just me. She is protective over pram and there are so many happy small dogs in our village that we cant avoid them and she barks back at them when they bark first. There are so many dogs off the lead who approach us and she reacts. That doesn't make her badly trained, that's badly trained other dogs and bad owners. He has said sorry and said he was stressed with work. We've agreed some tasks that will be mine to do. But I've told him to leave me to it. For example if there are dishes needing done or my babies bottles to be washed, I've went to kitchen to do them and they ate done. He's the type of guy that if something needs done he will do it there and then. He's agreed to leave them be and let me get to them in an hrs time, as I will do and have done.

He still refuses to take more money from me and has agreed to stop making remarks about paying majority of bills. He said they are jokes. Ive told him they aren't funny esp when he refuses my money.

Tonight he is going out for 4 hrs to do hobby stuff. I will make a curry for us before he finishes work, as I do every Wednesday before he goes out. When I go out I take baby with me to give him downtime. We've agreed that once per week I'll go out without baby as he does with his hobby. He said he will walk the dog if I can't do it but he isn't a dog person. Ive said that's fine but I help with his cats ... who incase its missed again, takes time up with medication and supervising them eating. I do feel bad about age comment. I felt awful the second I said it. I only said it as I felt hurt that he said he carries the family and I do F all.
We are in a better place now. He's agreed to tell me whej he will finish work as at thr moment he "doesn't know" as he likes to work later. Ive told him that doesn't work as he needs to communicate this so things can be planned out. Yes my dog needs walked, I used to go alot with them both but I felt stressed afterwards due to happy dogs and my dog sometimes pulling. She's fine on her own. Hence why I suggest he takes her out and to get out the house. He spent 4 hours last night painting his figures for tonight during which time I spent with our baby and tidying our bedroom. So yes I should do more but whej I have the chanfe I do. My prolapse is uncomfortable at times, I feel knackered as I do all night feeds as DH works and yes I go to baby groups. I moved in with him so I was completely new to area with no friebds. Baby groups helped me tremendously with meeting other mums and getting out of house as I hate staying in. I also only wanted to go to one but he encouraged me to go to every one going and to seize the day.
My little one will go to nursery, that isn't ti spite anyone, I never planned not to go bacj to work and yesterday I think gave me a kick up backside to actually get that ball rolling. It was considering going back ft to equal things out. Maybe I will go back ft, maybe I wont, finance will be the main factor.
Thanks for everyone who shared their experiences. Thank you for everyone's honesty. Everyone's motherhood experince is unique and I think its harsh to brand me as "lazy" when I ain't exactly doing nothing at home. I'd love to sit with a coffee and mindlessly scroll social media. I think people haven't read all my replies and have been rather lazy to tell me do things I already do. To be clear, I do put washes on, I hang washing out, I put dishwasher on, empty dishwasher, general tidying rooms etc. I didn't do anything on Monday as baby was teething and not happy lying down, dog had been sick a few times so sorting out her and yeah any free time I had breakfast or had a shower (a quick one). He simply exploded as he was hangry (his words) and stressed at work and instead of talking calmy to me he was an arse. So yes, I feel awful for what I said to him but I felt very under appreciated in that moment and it was very raw.
Thanks all. X

And for those who keep saying baby carrier, she cries! She doesn't like them. Ive went out many times with the carrier / sling and she just cries. And for the dog walking sometimes I wake up very early and walk her first thing then she gets a quick walk around block in evening. I dont do this every morning as I do night feeds and I'm shattered.

Re the small yappy dogs being off lead. Once a big dog who wasn't on a lead charged at me and my dog and there was very nearly a fight and it was scary with my baby and I in the middle. So I said I didn't want to do it again. I know its easy to judge and think youre superior if it works for you but all situations are different and I've tried. So yes I get up early or walk dog in evening. Partner said he would do this on his lunch break months ago and it never happened. He jusy had an uninterrupted lunch break which is fine he is working but she needs walked I cant avoid that.

Its obv some resentment is building. So his hobby stuff is something evenings where he paints figures and cant do anything else and he then goes out for 4 hours once per week alone to do hobby stuff. I joined a gym last week and he was only happy with Me joining if it didn't affect evenings or mornings. So Ive been once and I went at 5am (24 hour gym) so I could get back and walk dog and see to baby before she woke up. I was late back 15minutes and he moaned for not respecting his work time.

I am interested seeing household chore split and I'd like it to be more equal at times. He does household chores when I look after our little girl sometimes in evening (not everyday!) I've told him I'd happily do household stuff and he looks after our little one. He said no, you've been looking after her all day, I dont expect you to do housework. He doesn't even do housework everyday either. So its mixed messages I dont appreciate. But seriously thanks for everyone who took time to comment. To the nasty people who have replied with nothing constructive but insults ... I find that really weird and yiu either get a kick from being nasty or youre not happy in your own life to put (try to) someone else down. Seriously have a look at yourself and be kind. Yes I wasn't kind to him yesterday but I didn't type everything he said to me, we were both unkind, immature etc. And I have apologised numerous times as I do feel shit saying what i did to him and quite right, it was a horrible thing to say. Thanks MN this thread has been helpful x

How long were you at the gym if you went at 5 and got back at 8:15 was he expecting you to only go for an hour or so?

Its 20 minutes away. So got there at 520, I was in pool at 535. I stayed in until 620 (follow excercise prgrame from consultant fir my prolapse and other health issues due to pregnancy). I got ready and left at 645. Home at 705. Parked up got in house. Got dog ready and walked her for an hour from 715 until 815.

I’m sorry you’ve been given such a hard time on this thread OP @Olderbutneverwiser I hope you’re okay x

He was fine with this, big smile when I got home as how it was etc. He was happy until he asked if I was still annoyed with him I said I was still hurt then he said "fine be like that, oh look at the time, cant even respect my working hours" along those lines