Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

I assume that was your decision? It seems like OP didn't really want to attend all these baby groups and was content with just once or twice a week. Instead, it appears her partner insisted she go and then complained about her not completing her "chores." He seems quite controlling in my opinion. Why is he even organising her schedule for her!

How on earth can you manage to spend an entire day just 'being with' a baby? I would be stir crazy- they really are not that fascinating company. Looking after a baby shouldn't be an all consuming job. It will be much better for her if she is not your sole focus 24/7 as even young babies benefit form a little independence.

When my dd was a baby I cooked a meal every night for when DH got home from work, washed, ironed, kept the house clean and tidy and went out for a short while each day for a walk with the buggy, a baby group or coffee at a friends.

You speak as if putting a supermarket shop in the fridge is a massive deal.

It's perfectly possible to talk and chat to baby while you get things done. Sit them in their high chair with some finger foods, get a playpen, a baby swing etc. to entertain them. And get them in a nap routine- no wonder she's grumpy if she doesn't nap as she's overtired.

I agree! He sounds bloody awful! There has been a lot of harsh responses on this thread.

Ah, another MN thread where someone posts asking for opinions and then disagrees and argues with anyone who doesn’t support them. You really can’t beat it.

He does and there is..

Your dog needs more training if he's pulling. He should be at heel when you're walking with your kid in the stroller. Walk the dog and leave the baby with your husband. That walk is training time for your dog and bonding time for husband and baby. You have a very strong, smart dog who isn't listening to you if he's pulling and barking at other dogs. My last dog was over 100 lbs, I couldn't have him pulling me.

You complain and complain even while you admit your husband is more than equal with the housework plus working. Sorry, but baby care is not 100% 24/7/365.

Maybe you should think about going back to work part time or split if you're unwilling to consider something like marriage counseling. You're unhappy at home, you bitch about your husband and speak to him worse than your dog, what the hell do you want?

Frankly, the day my spouse called me a washed up x year old when I was working hard to support my family and contributing a fair share to the household work would be the day I showed them the door.

You have your own brain so use it, you dont want to go to baby groups so dont, why can women not think for themselves?

What a sad excuse for a response. This isn’t about women lacking the ability to think independently. It’s obvious that OP’s partner is controlling, manipulative and borderline abusive. The poor woman is too scared to sit down for a cup of coffee ffs!!

Op, I was a bit stressy with my clingy first born trying to do it all cooking cleaning etc. It was overwhelming and baby was constantly crying. I decided to do less and left a lot of the house chores for DP.

You are sleep deprived, your body is still healing and so are your hormones. Apart from light cleaning/tidying you should be trying to catch up on sleep. You’re not sat at home doing nothing. Postpartum is supposed to be a healing period where you adjust to your new life and bond with your baby. So just do what you can and the rest needs to be done later or dp needs to step in.

I don’t think that the division of housework should be 60(him)/40(you) while you’re on maternity leave.

I had fairly easy babies, but compared to my normal life maternity leave was like one long holiday. Doing all of the laundry, all of the cooking, shopping, cleaning etc. wasn’t something I even questioned. Babies sleep a lot. I also had time every day to read novels, go to baby groups, the baby cinema etc.

Multiple children between 1 and 4, no leave, full-time job, all the same housework… That’s tough for any couple. You need to save the arguments for then!

Honestly building a community round you and your child is a lot of work.

Having a fussy baby is a lot of work.

Having pets is a lot of work.

You're on mat leave, not cleaning leave.

Could you possibly squeeze in more? Maybe, but I think the real issue is poor communication.

I bet your DH was feeling underappreciated in that moment and instead of voicing that he lashed out at you.

You were cruel back as you felt defensive no doubt.

You both need to stop comparing who does more or has it harder, get on the same page and do nice things for each other occasionally

I’m in the camp of thinking you’ve had loads of wildly unreasonable responses OP!

I did very little housework whilst on my first mat leave. I had a fussy refluxy baby - not the worst as would atleast do the sling for a sleep but generally liked to be held and doing stuff or moving all the time. But hated being put down in any kind of chair, bouncer, anything. Didn’t like being still when awake, even if being held. I HATED it and was knackered all the time. We basically went out loads, even just long walks in the pram. I was BF-g and did 99% of night waking. After 6 months my son used to have a decent 2 hour nap at lunchtime. For the first month or so I honestly used to just sit and semi snooze for the two hours as I was so exhausted. My lovely DH must have done about 80% of housework, without batting an eyelid.

We recalibrated a bit when I went back to work. He started a conversation one day where he said “I need you to do more at home.” I listened and we split things a bit differently. These days I do all the washing and most mental load planning stuff (school and childcare admin, planning family activities, Christmas, birthday parties, clothes & shoes etc). We split the cooking. He does all the shopping, and washing up/dishwasher things. And we have a cleaner, praise be. Feels like a decent balance. No one is default parent, pick up/drop offs are evenly split. It probably helps we have very similar jobs and same pay/hours.

To me this is just the norm. Sometimes i chat to other families and think “he deserves a medal in comparison” and then remind myself that he just does the same as I do and NEITHER of us should get special praise!

If it makes you feel any better op it seems as if I'd also get called lazy by some of the posters on here, luckily I don't care 😊.

I've worked my arse off, saved up loads for maternity. My baby is only going to be this cuddly velcro baby for so long, and mat leave in the big scheme is so short. I want my memories of mat leave to be cuddling on the sofa, walks in the park, not listening to a baby scream to be held while I stress trying to scrub the shower, or mop the floors.

Yes I'll stay on top of dishes, clothes, dog walks, food shopping, cooking etc, but the substantial house work is a shared job done evenings or weekends, not just my responsibility. My husband hasn't got a maid just because I'm on mat leave. My 3 month old will only contact nap, and that's fine, because I'm allowed to spend my day nap trapped, even if it is lazy.

In your case though it does sound as if he's doing his fair share, sounds like a communication issue and you are both just being a bit snide and competitive "who has it worse' with each other..but at the same time, don't feel the need to justify enjoying your mat leave. You are allowed to.

For those saying that the op is not on maternity leave to do cleaning, who do you think should do it.
The op has, with her DH, a house to run, that doesn’t change just because you have a baby. Yes you may have to lower your standards but a house with a baby in it still has to be kept clean, laundry still has to be done.
Putting a load of washing on is not a big task, emptying a dishwasher washer is not a big task.
The op said she had to put shopping away in the fridge as if that was a major task, it’s not it’s all part of running a house.
Nobody is saying the ip should be washing down walls and cleaning skirting boards daily but the 3 jobs I’ve mentioned take no time at all, they are basic household tasks.

You are not married.
You need to get back to work full-time.
You do not have the luxury of staying home, particularly now as he is making digs at you.

What is the age gap?
Did you say he is 50?
You need to build up savings and protect yourself.
A big age gap and unmarried makes you very vulnerable.

But OP does all those things, granted not all the time but she really shouldn’t have to. They’re meant to be a team and he should pitch in. That’s not unreasonable.

Putting cleaning aside, I feel like people are missing the bigger picture here. Her partner exhibits controlling and manipulative behaviour, saying one thing and then using it against her etc etc. Regardless of her efforts it will never meet his standards imo!

I don't understand. Some posters saying emptying dishwasher etc isn't housework and then other posters saying I should be doing that

@orangesmarties9the ops first post said some days she does nothing. These jobs need done so if the op isn’t doing these her DH must be. I can’t see why the op can think it’s ok to have a house and some days do nothing to contribute to the running of it.
Thats nothing to do with being a mother, it’s being an adult with responsibilities, basic household tasks, that take less than 5 minutes need doing

This situation is entirely related to being a mother. If OP had no children, no health concerns and was lounging on the sofa all day, I would understand your point, but that is not the scenario here. When baby is unwell / restless / overly attached, it becomes more challenging for OP to complete tasks. Additionally, OP has mentioned that she is dealing with health issues following birth, yet people have chosen to ignore this for some reason. Why wouldn't her partner try to help if OP is struggling some days? Instead of criticising her and making her feel guilty.

By the way, I appreciate a clean and organised home, but the world won't come to an end if the dishwasher isn't emptied for a day.

The op, again in her first post said she is out 5-6 times a week and manages an hour long dog walk daily. I’m not saying she shouldn’t he doing these things, I think it is great she’s getting out but the fact she can do all this with the health issues she’s mentioned would indicate to me loading a washing machine or emptying a dishwasher shouldn’t be that much of a problem.

You keep suggesting that she doesn't do those chores, but she actually does empty the dishwasher and washing machine, just not on a daily basis. But why should she have to do it all the time? Why can't he pitch in? Not every day, but on some days?

Also, did you catch the part where OP mentioned she was fine with attending baby groups just once or twice a week, but her partner pushed for her to go more often? Then moaned that she wasn’t doing her chores? Plus, her partner won’t help out with the dog, so if OP doesn't walk it, who will? If OP didn't have to juggle all these responsibilities and actually had a supportive partner, maybe she'd have more energy and time for cleaning. It really seems like her partner is calling all the shots, and OP is just expected to put up and shut up. He is controlling imo.

I’m on maternity leave with a toddler (not in nursery) & 4 month old and I do all the cooking, cleaning, tidying, laundry, food shopping, financial planning, admin (medical/dentist/vet appointments etc). DH’s jobs are to take the bins out and walk the dog.

There are things you can do once the baby is in bed that will make your life easier the next day. Tidy everything away, put the dishwasher on on a delay so the dishes will be washed by morning - ditto the laundry. Make sure you have something to put the baby in in every room I.e a cot/bouncer/high chair etc.

It can be relentless but it’s not forever.

Baby in a baby carrier to walk dog? Music on. Chat to baby. Go together as a family? He sounds like he needs some time outside.
Things will improve. How about writing things down and making a little shared plan together

Why not tell her OP's baby that?

OP, if you look down the back of the baby, just above the lower back, you'll find the "nap" button there. It's square and purple. Press it and your baby will nap. You're welcome 😉.