To tell best friend her DH has been discussing their sex life?

[Laurasdiary]

I’ve been with my boyfriend about a year and we had a big row yesterday around our sex life. Basically, stuff he’d like us to do (which I’m sure most would think is nothing overly wild) which I’m not overly comfortable with or don’t think I’d enjoy.

In arguing about it, he said ‘well I know X and X do it so why don’t you just try’. I said I don’t care about what they get up to and that I hope he doesn’t speak about us with others either. He said my friends DH ‘makes her out to be a right filthy bitch’.

We do socialise with them quite a bit , usually my friend and I are present, but they were on a stag together last month so would have had opportunity to talk without us there.

My dilemma is whether to tell my friend what her husband has been saying or to keep my mouth shut?

Speak for yourself lady. None of my friends or I talk about our sex lives with our husbands

"Sindy takes it up the arse so why don't you" is not a man to build a life with.

Im early 50s and me and my girlfriends always talk about sex - or lack thereof - in massive detail. Its what friends do isnt it? They have all been married forever, but im the single one - or I was until recently. I did ask my boyfriend if it was ok, and he looked surprised I even asked and said 'of course, thats what you do with mates'. So I dont see the issue there.

I will heed a word of warning though -I had an ex DH who coerced me into all sorts. My view is there is nothing wrong with someone asking - ONCE - if you would do something. If you say no, its the end of it. He was bullying you by comparing you to your friend. Id walk on that basis alone. BUT i was abused for along time, so maybe my tolerance is so low I wouldn't give someone a second chance. You need to take this extremely seriously OP. A man who loves you doesnt try to pressure you to do anything you don't enjoy.

I'm sorry but your username along with this post made me laugh 😂

The problem is your oh. I wouldn't be bothered by my husband discussing it, I'd think he was a dick if he spoke about a friend as your oh has

I never did /do. It seems like a clear betrayal of privacy to me

I agree

No, don’t tell your friend. You don’t even actually know that her partner really is telling your boyfriend any of this stuff, anyway. Your boyfriend may well be making it up.

You do need to dump your boyfriend through. He’s trying to coerce you into doing things in bed that you don’t want to do and which you don’t find sexy, and he talks about women in deeply unpleasant ways. He’s a complete shitbag.

In short, focus on your own relationship and not other people’s. Your boyfriend is the problem here, not your friend’s boyfriend.

Whether or whether not you tell your friend that her husband has discussed his and your friend's sex life is incidental to the major issue that your boyfriend is using (or making up) information to coerce you into a sexual act you have already informed him you do not want to do.

Informing your friend her husband has discussed what she does and called her a dirty bitch for doing it, is a separate matter. You know her better than anyone on here and how she'll react to the news. You have to consider the possibility if he actually did tell your boyfriend or if your boyfriend made it up. You also need to consider if your friend's husband is lying about what she does and doesn't do in bed.

Mostly realise your boyfriend is not a good man.

I’m another one who has never discussed details of my sex life to friends. My best friend has been married forty years and I know absolutely nothing about their sex life. It’s gross to me to reveal such intimate details about the person you are meant to love. (ONS are a different matter I guess).

Can’t believe you still want to be with this man. Is he really the best you can do?

Obviously not every woman in the world does, but plenty do. Especially when younger. When I was in my 20s I definitely knew all sorts of details about my friends’ shagging habits.

I don’t really talk to my friends about my sex life with my partner these days - although we certainly do talk about sex in general and we’ve definitely talked about the sex we’ve had with our exes.

It doesn’t really matter though as the problem here is the OP’s own unpleasant partner being coercive and gross, not her friend’s husband being a bit indiscreet with the sex chat on a stag weekend.

Informing your friend her husband has discussed what she does and called her a dirty bitch for doing it, is a separate matter

I don’t think it’s implied that the friend’s husband did ‘call her a dirty bitch’ - that was OP’s boyfriend’s own choice of words to describe her, based on what her husband suggested she enjoyed in bed.

Your partner is gross.

I'd be far more concerned about him trying to push you into doing things you are not comfortable with. Don't be surprised if he suddenly gives a go during sex and hopes you don't say no then...

he is gross. and even worse trying to use peer pressure to get you do sex acts like a teenager.

He should not be sharing his mates private conversations with you either.

Good grief. You’d be insane to keep seeing this man. Have some self-respect and walk away from him. There are so many red flags here.

Ah, he's coercing you into anal sex, even though you've been clear you don't want to do it and wouldn't enjoy it.

Women don't have a prostate gland up their bum like men do. We also have more more delicate skin/membrane there that is more likely to tear. We are at higher risk of incontinence as a result of anal sex than men.

For the (vast) majority of women, anal sex is painful, unpleasant, dangerous and gives no physical pleasure. Any man who tries to push his partner to do it, in spite of this, has been watching too much porn and doesn't respect his partner.

Too often, when men do this it's because he wants to dominate (not in a good way) his partner (or even humiliate her - look how your friend is being talked about now because her horrible husband has bragged he's got her to do it). It's a "look what I can make her do even though she won't enjoy it".

Awful. I cannot wait until this pressure on women ceases to exist.

Eww no not on me, he means on him

I'd be more concerned about a man that is using what other couples do as leverage to get you to do it! That would massively give me the ick.

Doesn't matter if it's on you or him.
You don't want to do it. That should be the end of the conversation, it's not a negotiation, it's a no. If he wants to stick stuff up his bum that's fine, no shame. He can do it on his own time.

Op. I’m afraid when you recounted that your dp said ‘and he says she’s a right dirty bitch’ and then went on the talk about the friend rather than ‘so I’ve finished with him having realised he’s awful’ my jaw actually fell open.

what on earth has happened in your life that you would think to continue a relationship with a man who said that?

just baffling.

I’d stay out of it tbh

I have discussed stuff with my Best Friend .. not in a disrespectful way, but with Menopause, and biopsies, and babies - sometimes you need a safe space .. and that’s what it is, she would never go off and tell anyone else.

Your. Dp has taken it, weaponised it, and use it to pressurise you, and humiliate your friend. How you can stay with him is beyond me.

Some may. I never would, and my friends don't.

I don't what you should do OP, but your DH sounds horrible.

What a breathtakingly stupid response.

What does what some other women MAY do have to do with OP?