To tell best friend her DH has been discussing their sex life?

[Laurasdiary]

I’ve been with my boyfriend about a year and we had a big row yesterday around our sex life. Basically, stuff he’d like us to do (which I’m sure most would think is nothing overly wild) which I’m not overly comfortable with or don’t think I’d enjoy.

In arguing about it, he said ‘well I know X and X do it so why don’t you just try’. I said I don’t care about what they get up to and that I hope he doesn’t speak about us with others either. He said my friends DH ‘makes her out to be a right filthy bitch’.

We do socialise with them quite a bit , usually my friend and I are present, but they were on a stag together last month so would have had opportunity to talk without us there.

My dilemma is whether to tell my friend what her husband has been saying or to keep my mouth shut?

Women have talked about their sex lives with friends since the beginning of time. But when men do it, all of a sudden it’s a different matter

You don't have a dilemma.

You assune he is lying and have the self respect to dump a man that tries to coerce you into sex you aren't comfortable with.

You have a DH problem.

Forget about your friend's marriage, why are you with this horrible man?

I think your problem is your bf tbh

People are allowed to discuss their sex life with their friends. You weren't privy to what was said to know if it was respectful. Your bf is using what his friend has (possibly) said to coerce you into sex you don't want to have, and that is the issue really.

This is not a dilemma at all, you are creating one. Women share details of their sex life with other friends quite commonly. Why can't your husband and his friend do the same?

Do we? News to me.

I wound tell my friend as I know my friends would hate it. He may be lying to coerce you, so tell them the full story.

I would also dump this coercive, manipulative, immature piece of shit.

Same here! I’ve never talked about sex with my mates - even as teens.

That’s minging of him. I wouldn’t tell her, the messenger frequently ends up shot, and it’s not really your main issue, is it?

Don’t say anything to your friend. No need to cause drama in their relationship just because you are having issues in yours

I don't discuss my sex life with my friends of either sex, but I recognise that other people do. However, you are distracting yourself from your actual problem, which is that you seem to be in a relationship with a man who is trying to coerce you into sexual acts you don't want to perform.

Well the BF is using details of friends sex life to make the OP feel bad about their sex life / coerce her into things she isn't happy to do.

So there is that.

@Laurasdiary do you want to be with a man like this? That's your only dilemma.

Are you going to continue seeing him? He sounds coercive and misogynistic

I'd mind your own business and ditch your own boyfriend, he sounds disgusting.

@Laurasdiary I think the 2 main problems (at least for me) would be the description that your DH used for friend as a “filthy bitch”, and the fact that because his expectations of you are linked to what your friends do.

Why does your DH thinks its acceptable to call someone a “filthy bitch”? Especially a friend. Is it because they are adventurous in bed, and enjoy it? I would be absolutely appalled if my DH had used those words to describe anyone.

Why does he think that you then want to go and do those things? So you can be viewed as such by their group? How can he not see how that would put you off? His expectations of you with regards to sex should not hinge on what his friends do.

Now if he showed respect for women, then maybe you would be open to “try”. If he had approached you in a reasonable manner and talked to you on why he wanted to try whatever it is and why it makes you uncomfortable and is there a way of meeting in the middle - then maybe. But certainly not under these circumstances.

With regards to telling your friend - it really depends to what sort of relationship you have. I agree with posters that as a rule (that does not apply to everyone of course) women tend to have more intimate conversations with their friends that men. But what I would say is that in a group of women it would be less likely that anyone would then use that information to 1) manipulate their partner and 2) use words such as “filthy bitch” to describe anyone. So if you know your friend consider that before making any move.

Hopefully, as long as he drops this and accepts certain things (areas!) are off limit for me.

Regardless of anything your friend's DH has said, the way your bf has phrased it in telling you is vile and I'd leave him over that, even without him trying to pressure you into sex.

And me

Anyone who tries to make you do something you don't want to do isn't a good person. Is he a bully in other ways?

Well if you do continue your relationship with him you now know that all the intimate details if your sex life will be shared by him with his friendship group.

I agree with pp: calling a woman a " filthy bitch" is absolutely disgusting. And trying to coerce you into sexual acts you aren't comfortable with would, indeed should, be a relationship ender for most women.

Your bf sounds like a pig. He called your friend a filthy bitch because of what she gets up to in the bedroom. I imagine he speaks about you just as disgustingly when you’re not around.

Your boyfriend is the problem here!

Any man that tries to coerce you into sexual activities that you’re not interested in by saying “well X&Y like it”, needs to be ditched asap.

He’s not a good man and is the sort likely to be using prostitutes when off on Stag do’s.

You can do so much better.

Your current dilemma is wondering why you hope to stay with a boyfriend who tries to coerce you into sex that you have said that you don't want by betraying a confidence and telling you that your friend is a "right dirty bitch" and will do it.

I'd be telling him to fuck right off with immediate effect, not hoping you could stay together.

No of course you don't tell your friend. That's just a classic deflection, she's got DH problems has she? Look closer to home.

Honestly this. It's nothing to do with your friend.