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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being upset my mother turned on the heating because her feet were cold?

397 replies

FartyPants9 · 06/10/2025 23:44

My parents are staying with me. We were in the sitting room of my house. My mother said her feet were cold and asked if anyone wanted the heating turned on, me and my father said we were fine and didn't need the heating turned on.

A short while later I started sweating really badly and felt hot and uncomfortable, I said I was hot and my mother replied "oh yeah, I turned the heating on", my father got annoyed and told her if her feet were cold she should have put a pair of socks and this started a loud argument between them.

I'm sensitive to loud noises so fled to the kitchen.

AIBU in being annoyed that she ignored that me and my father didn't want the heating on and put her own comfort first?

OP posts:
Obeseandashamed · 07/10/2025 07:58

If my guest was cold and I wasn’t, I’d instantly get them a blanket or guest slippers.

BuckChuckets · 07/10/2025 08:01

I think in a 'regular' family, having the heating on for guests even if it makes you uncomfortable is probably the done thing. But for a (what I assume to be) a 40+ woman 'fleeing' the room to get away from shouting, and your subsequent posts about them, you were obviously brought up in an abusive family and you're still suffering because of that. Do you have to see them?

Schoolchoicesucks · 07/10/2025 08:04

Your DM was U for putting the heating on rather than a pair of socks on her bare feet when she had cold feet and you and your dad confirmed you were not cold.

Your parents have a dysfunctional relationship and your mum was abusive to you as a child. You bake cakes in their home and they are staying with you. Do you have to spend so much time with one another? They don't sound like good people for you to be around.

ClairDeLaLune · 07/10/2025 08:06

It’s completely unreasonable to put the heating on because you’ve got cold feet when you’re barefoot! What a waste of the earth’s resources. Put some socks on! It’s also unreasonable to sneakily put the heating on when 2 other people have said no. She must have turned it up high too.

YANBU OP, and I don’t really understand anyone saying you’re not.

Your mum sounds like a nightmare, and also abusive.

Howszaboutthat · 07/10/2025 08:07

I’m with the OP. I’ve had a similar situation. Elderly FIL requesting the heating on when it was 30 degrees out. Absolute no. Put a jumper on. You’d think elderly people would remember that fuel and heating is a luxury given they will happily tell you tales of sharing one bath to a family, and only having a fire in one room of the house.

It is unseasonably hot at the moment, nearly 20 degrees. Only the ignorant and stupendously wealthy have no idea about the cost of living crisis. We have the highest energy costs in the world. There is no reason to have the heating on and guests should not overly inconvenience their hosts.

aCatCalledFawkes · 07/10/2025 08:08

Well of course she should of asked you but maybe she thought as your mother she could get away with it. Your not being unreasonable to be a bit pissed off at the time, but you are unreasonable if you keep going on about it and are still talking about it today. It literally one of those things that has happened that you need to let go of especially if you have already truned the heating down again.

Ohthatsabitshit · 07/10/2025 08:08

FartyPants9 · 07/10/2025 04:45

And weather patterns have also changed in recent decades, just because it's traditionally been a colder month doesn't mean its cold every day, it was 17⁰C during the day one day in January about 2 or 3 weeks ago.

Show quote history

Two or three weeks ago it was September?

paradisecircus · 07/10/2025 08:11

It sounds as if you find her annoying anyway, and this was just another example of that.
I'd have put the heating on for her, but I hate the thought of people being cold in my house. I'd find this annoying from her side too.

LillyPJ · 07/10/2025 08:12

paradisecircus · 07/10/2025 08:11

It sounds as if you find her annoying anyway, and this was just another example of that.
I'd have put the heating on for her, but I hate the thought of people being cold in my house. I'd find this annoying from her side too.

I wouldn't dream of putting the heating on in anyone else's house without telling them! How rude is that?

notacooldad · 07/10/2025 08:12

t's October so the heating should be on anyways.
Its mild where we are. We haven't had the heating on yet.

We don't have the heating on because of the month. The temperature determines whether it goes on or not.

Bundleflower · 07/10/2025 08:13

I don’t necessarily see the relevance of many of your subsequent posts OP. If you’re in fear of her that’s a separate topic and I don’t understand why she’s in your house. It feels a little like you and your dad got a kick out of ganging up on your mum like a pair of drama llamas. You’ve then drip-fed things that may or may not be relevant as most people felt your mum did nothing wrong in this scenario.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 07/10/2025 08:13

Going against the grain here because yesterday was nearly 20 degrees C. Then again, people who are older do feel the cold more. I feel it more than I did 3-4 years ago. (I'm close to 60!) But putting the heating on when it's a warm day, because your FEET are cold is a bit much. Put some socks on LOL.

YANBU @FartyPants9

TheresGoingToBeAMoidur · 07/10/2025 08:14

I think people are confused because your OP doesn't give the full picture and there's a bit of a drip feed thing going on.
Have I got this right...?

  • Your mum had bare feet and said they were cold and wanted the heating on.
  • Both you and your dad said you were fine and didn’t want it on, and you pointed her in the direction of the heated booties.
  • You got uncomfortably hot, and your mum said she'd turned the heating on.
  • Your dad complained, and your mum started shouting loudly and name calling, and your dad responded in the same way.
  • You fled to the kitchen to escape the arguing as you have autism and sensory sensitivities.
  • There is a long history of emotional and physical abuse with your mum, but not your dad.

Ignore everyone saying you should have put the heating on. You were very reasonable pointing out the booties. TBH I'd cut her off completely as she sounds incredibly abusive. I know that's easier said than done. Perhaps some therapy for yourself would be worth considering to unpick the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), and heal from the trauma of having her as a parent. All the best.

nomas · 07/10/2025 08:14

Greenmouldycheese · 06/10/2025 23:47

She was cold. It's October so the heating should be on anyways.

That’s ridiculous, it’s mild in the south, I haven’t put the heating on so far this autumn.

Yes, some people do feel the cold, but her mum should have put on socks and a cardi first.

sugarapplelane · 07/10/2025 08:15

You’re getting a rough time here op. Ignore all the rangers. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.
If someone has cold feet because they don’t have socks or slippers on then they don’t have the right to put the heating on, guest or otherwise.
put some bloody socks on.
it’s not cold enough for heating yet. Come on.
It sounds like your mum is on a short fuse and maybe you and your Dad have burn the brunt of this all your life.

limescale · 07/10/2025 08:15

Only read some of OP's posts - I don't really understand why she posted.
Only when people questioned some of what she said or her behaviour in her OP did we learn that it was in fact a full on shouting match and that OP has autism.

I think the more appropriate AIBU should be "AIBU to not invite my parents to stay anymore because [insert all the reasons]"?

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/10/2025 08:16

FartyPants9 · 07/10/2025 01:46

I have told her, she called me an ungrateful brat, I have told her in the past that if she flips out at other family members or calls me or other family members bastards/b*ches/c*ts in my home or makes nasty comments about other family members children then she's not welcome but she doesn't care.

Show quote history

Then go no contact

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/10/2025 08:17

Life is too short to be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home

BunnyRuddington · 07/10/2025 08:17

Well that’s your DM’s Christmas present sorted a pair of slippers and a some new socks Grin

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 07/10/2025 08:17

notacooldad · 07/10/2025 08:12

t's October so the heating should be on anyways.
Its mild where we are. We haven't had the heating on yet.

We don't have the heating on because of the month. The temperature determines whether it goes on or not.

Yeah this. 'It's October so the heating should be on' is a pretty daft statement. It was really warm yesterday, and chilly in mid September. 'It's cold, so the heating should be on' would be a more accurate statement!' Not 'put it on because it's October!' Then again, it didn't need to be on yesterday, as it was almost 20C ...

Although I'm sure someone will be along soon to say it was minus 3C yesterday where they live. 🙄

.

sittingonabeach · 07/10/2025 08:17

We’ve had heating on a few times in the last few weeks as have relatives in different parts of the country. We’ve even had ice on car windows, think that warrants heating!

WhatAlevel · 07/10/2025 08:18

Hi I'm late to this thread where you seem to be getting a hard time. I don't think this is about heating, it's about communication. What would annoy me - which my Mum does and I think is a bit of an Irish thing is never ask for anything directly. So she wouldn't say 'my feet are cold can I put heating on'. She'd say ' are you cold' 'is it cold'. 'do people mostly have heating on'. And then seethe in martyed silence that we hadn't picked up on her needs or yes switch it on herself and say 'but I told you'. It's infuriating!

FrenchandSaunders · 07/10/2025 08:19

I hate having a hot house, I'd rather layer up ... our heating goes on when it gets really cold, and it's rarely on above 18/19 degrees even when it's frosty. Never in bedrooms, and the window is usually open in there. Thankfully DH is on the same page. DDs used to moan when they lived here but they used to walk around in shorts and crop tops moaning about the temperature!

However, we had a friend round for dinner last weekend and she really feels the cold, her house is always boiling! So I put our heating on for her, as she was a guest and I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable.

limescale · 07/10/2025 08:19

MidnightMeltdown · 07/10/2025 00:28

It’s October, it’s normal to have the heating on! For biological reasons, women feel the cold more than men. It’s also normal for older people to feel the cold more than younger people. Your father was being a total dick.

Edited

I am in the South and it hasn't been on at all yet....and I am by no means a competitive "let's not put the heating on" person, not at all. For biological reasons (menopause) I am more likely to be stripping off due to a flush than turning the heating on!
I am entirely normal ~don't ask my 16 yo son though

borntobequiet · 07/10/2025 08:21

Any thoughtful adult child would have immediately supplied a parent with cold feet with something to warm their feet, like slippers, a foot warmer or a hot water bottle, if others didn’t want the heating on.