. . . to suspect DH of . . . I don’t know what :-(

[AmIGoingMadTheseDays]

This is going to sound nuts but in the last few months I’ve developed a suspicion of DH; as if he’s doing something “wrong” in secret. I don’t even know what it is, and the feeling is based on nothing I can put my finger on.

We’ve been together for ten years and we have two children. We both work and have reasonable social lives, although we usually socialise separately as we don’t have childcare. We’re very much in “parent” mode and our relationship has definitely changed in the last few years.

I know that none of you can tell me whether this weird feeling is justified. I suppose what I’m asking is, has anyone ever had a similar feeling, a strong instinct that their DP is hiding something, but no actual proof or facts . . . and then been proved right? Or, ideally, proved wrong :-(

This forum is full of examples of women having suspicions and being proved right. Proved wrong is less likely to be talked about though.

What happened to relationship mode? You don't have to be one or the other

Gut instinct is usually correct. Yanbu

Our relationship has definitely moved down the list of priorities, but I figured it’s temporary and as the kids get a bit older, we can get things back again.

I do think there’s a lot to be said for listening to your gut instinct, but it feels ludicrous in this circumstance as I really don’t have any reason to suspect him. He’s on his phone loads, can be a bit cagey with it, he stays up really late, but that’s as red-flag as it gets.

You might be right, or you might be being paranoid, I've no idea.

Do you have any mental health issues? Could something innocent be triggering these suspicions, based on unresolved issues from your past?

Perhaps you feel his attention is focused away from you and he’s keeping it that way?

Your instinct is right. If you feel
something is not right then it’s not right.

What are your options?

If he is newly cagey with his phone then that's quite a big red flag. Assuming it's lots. The odd occasion could be orangising a present or a surprise but constantly cagey is different.

Spidey senses are always worth paying attention to.

Always listen to your gut

have you tried to strengthen your relationship? whether that is getting in a babysitter, or just saying 'lets have a romantic dinner when the kids are in bed' or trying to make more time to talk and cuddle?

if he pulls away from that, then you can ask him why

Never felt this. Partner is an open book. Could you ask your husband if he's hiding something?

I had a gut instinct. I was right.

Is there a specific change you’ve noticed?

At 11.15pm on the last day of the cricket season recently, I started receiving suggestive messages from a man 15 years younger than me and I'd only ever met him in his professional capacity as a sports masseur. A bit of Facebook snooping quickly revealed that he has a partner and a 3 year old and 9 month old baby. He continued for 2 hours to try and persuade me to meet him the next week. I told him where to go and that I would not do anything with someone who had a partner, but I'm sure he just started messaging another client. It was very disappointing. I'm just adding this here because I'm sure his partner just thought he was downstairs watching TV after his final cricket match and a few beers, but he wasn't. If your spidy senses are tingling, I'd be checking stuff out.

Trust your gut, I married Mr Perfect who turned out to be a prick.

Something was off, phone was being turned over, too much effort was being made.

I’m sorry if he has done anything, I very much hope he hasn’t x

Perhaps he can sense that you're paranoid, and is keeping his distance as he knows the relationship is now over.

There's no going back once trust becomes an issue. He likely knows that things now can never be the same as they were before.

Trust your gut.

I voted YABU as I think that there is far too much talk of 'spidey senses' and 'trust your gut'. It's one thing if you have concrete reason to suspect something is amiss, but quite another if you are just pulling it from thin air.

Nonsense. Plenty of people’s instincts tell them the moon landings were faked. They are not right about that.

It’s an interesting perspective. There is a lot of new research about the role intuition plays in helping us come to a decision.

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2024/feb/18/go-with-your-gut-the-science-and-psychology-behind-our-sense-of-intuition

https://www.bbc.co.uk/worklife/article/20220401-intuition-when-is-it-right-to-trust-your-gut-instincts

The way to think about it is, if he is indeed doing something ‘wrong’ behind your back then he’s already doing it, if you see what I mean. Trying to put a stop to it doesn’t erase the betrayal.

Are you thinking gambling…or affair? Or..serial killer??

I think gut instinct is usually picking up on very small changes that amount to a difference. If you think about it you'll probably know what those changes are.

However I would also say that if you are prone to anxiety or had an insecure childhood in some way you can't always trust your own instinct because security is not your natural state, so be mindful of that if it applies.

I think the problem here is that being on his phone lots, being secretive with whatever he is doing and staying up really late when you have small children is itself problematic behaviour because whatever is on the phone and causing him to stay up late is coming above you and your family in his list of priorities.
So in that sense the behaviour is already ‘wrong’ because it’s not pulling together as a team with you.
Now the question of what is causing that behaviour only he can know.

You could ask him
.... What's going on?
Or
... It feels like something has changed recently... Tell me about it.

Always listen to your gut.

I was proved right.