. . . to suspect DH of . . . I don’t know what :-(

[AmIGoingMadTheseDays]

This is going to sound nuts but in the last few months I’ve developed a suspicion of DH; as if he’s doing something “wrong” in secret. I don’t even know what it is, and the feeling is based on nothing I can put my finger on.

We’ve been together for ten years and we have two children. We both work and have reasonable social lives, although we usually socialise separately as we don’t have childcare. We’re very much in “parent” mode and our relationship has definitely changed in the last few years.

I know that none of you can tell me whether this weird feeling is justified. I suppose what I’m asking is, has anyone ever had a similar feeling, a strong instinct that their DP is hiding something, but no actual proof or facts . . . and then been proved right? Or, ideally, proved wrong :-(

I know I should talk to him, but I’m reluctant because I don’t think it would achieve anything. He would just deny, surely? I can’t imagine that, when faced with zero proof or any actual facts, he’d throw his hands up and confess anything.

I have questioned whether I have some mental health issues, whether it’s just me, but I really don’t think so. I’m on HRT already so I’ve discounted hormonal factors, and apart from a demanding job and the usual child-stresses, this is the only thing that’s troubling me on a deeper level.

I just can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong and he’s hiding something. That he has another life. Even typing it feels ridiculous, though!

When you talk to him doesn't need to be in an accusatory way. Could you say something like 'how are you doing, I feel like we're not that close at the moment and wanted to check in on you'
'i know we don't have much couple time at the moment and I do miss it. Was wondering how you were feeling about our relationship at the moment?'

It’s not a “wierd feeling” He is newly cagey with his phone. Ask him.

Agree with this, or invite him to do something nice together without the kids and see what happens. Plan to have a heart to heart while you're out. If the idea of a heart to heart just seems impossible you're going to have to tell him that and ask why. even if nothing sus is going on, feeling so distant from a partner is not very nice is it.

Of course he’ll deny if you go ‘at him’.
Frame it differently. A bottle of wine, after the kids are in bed, and say ‘I feel like we’re a bit “off” at the moment, have lost the connection that used to be so strong. It’s time to prioritise US as well as the kids. What shall we do to spend some more quality time together?’

His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

I agree with pp - you need to get time together away from the kids, whether that is taking a day off work together while kids are in nursery / school, or just a nice meal after the kids are in bed, then you can try to have a conversation about your relationship. Even if there is no-one else involved, it sounds like the relationship needs work, from you both, to stop it becoming more ‘co-parenting’ and ‘transactional’. It is so difficult with kids in the mix.

The other question is slightly tongue-in-cheek… (but also not). Has he started to buy new underwear?! Having a discussion with a friend many years ago, who found out that her husband had been seeing someone else, she said that he had started to take greater care of himself, which was unusual.. eg new underwear, out of the blue joining a gym etc etc. I think these things can be quite common in someone who is - or who is thinking of - starting an affair..

That’s completely different. There is no connection there.

I’m talking about standing beside a person you know very well, and the frequency feels wrong. Your body can pick up on things that your mind can’t explain, it can even be a scent or something just slightly abnormal.

The thing is, whether you trust your instincts or not (I trust mine) it will have no impact on whether your husband is up to something or not. If he is, then it’s not your fault and knowing earlier or later will not change the outcome or his personality.

There are far too many people who claim "listen to your gut, it's always right"

Problem is, confirmation bias makes them forget all the times they "had a gut feel/instinct/intuition" and it was proved wrong.

It's worth looking into when something nags at you like this. But it's very very far from meaning anything more than that your own personal psyche is feeling a bit off for some reason - which may be genuinely noticing subconscious signs that something is off, but may just as equally be a misattribution by your brain of something that's actually innocent, or equally could just be plain wrong - we all make mistakes all the time.

@Poppingby makes good points.

Sounds like you maybe need to spend more time with him and focus more on "partner/relationship mode" rather than "parent mode" - too many couples forget to be partners when they have children, look up a few years later and wonder where the relationship went - you need time for both, and if there's something wrong, talking to him and spending more time could fix it, or could help you understand what's really happening, rather than letting your brain tell you stories which might well not be true, and are certainly going to be destructive to your mental health, whether true or not.

That’s not true. My exDH gave me no reason to suspect anything. He went about his normal routine. No sudden ‘glow up’, or new clothes or gym visits. No nights out. Our sex life didn’t change. I just had a feeling that something was off. But I told myself (as did he!) that it was paranoia because I had no tangible reason to feel how I did.

He was having an affair for five years. OP, trust your gut. I wish I had.

Gut feeling = confirmation bias. The OP actually has reason to be a little concerned!

Was just going to say that. If I don’t keep myself in check k my anxious attachment goes haywire. Husband is in a bit of an off mood (which we all have) and I’m deciding I hate him and will get a divorce.

I'm in the 'trust your gut' camp.

We can pick up on so many little things that may have changed - everything including expressions, tone of voice, topics of conversation, opinions and attitudes, habits, timetables, personal grooming, weight loss and fitness, wardrobe, mentionitis, attention, kindness, cagieness ... When things aren't as they were - we notice.

Something is different, off.

So think it through.

Sadly, peri menopause can drive you nuts. I feel sorry for men sometimes having to cope with us trying to cope with it!

Is there a reason for cagieness - a big birthday, anniversary, Christmas surprise being planned? Are others acting differently too - mum, kids etc?

The relationship aspect - do some experiments and set things up. See if he's open and interested in advances and romantic moods. Might it be that you've rather lost interest and involvement yourself?

And investigate and observe. Look at the financials, the credit card and bank statements, the car mileage, unexplained absences, social media behaviour - anything off there?

But there may be no escaping the fact that if the odd behaviour is around phone use, you may need to do the thing that often is condemned here - yet can provide conclusive proof - and check out his phone.

I do think gut instinct is worth paying attention to - it’s not always right, but often is - years ago my H started calling me regularly mid afternoon - he was at home, (wfh as self employed ) I was down at the office ( we work together in business but I don’t wfh) he seemed to be calling me about nothing at all that couldn’t wait ( most days) and always seemed slightly nervous , which I thought at the time was a bit out of character and odd - turned out he was watching hard core porn most afternoons for 20 minutes and was I guess busy checking I wasn’t unexpectedly popping home before indulging - it’s not always ‘big’ things that can give you a gut feeling of something not quite ok , it can just be things that are small , but out of character.

does he play games a lot on his phone op though? My H sometimes is always on his phone for a long time without speaking and it’s always games

My was proven right, other times proven wrong.

Best to investigate

Everyone who says trust your gut have never been on the receiving end of baseless accusations. I divorced my husband over this he was convinced I was doing something “wrong” and absolutely tortured me with accusations, you can’t prove a negative so no matter how much I tried to reassure him or show his accusations for the baseless feelings that they were nothing changed. Please have cold hard proof before you upend your relationship.

I’m afraid I know someone whose husband behaved this way and was staying up late to message his mistress. Gut instinct is something councillors are advised not to dismiss but remain objective under NICE guidelines. The wife in the above scenario didn’t leave, and nor did the husband. Neither could be bothered with the divorce, courts, co-parenting so she turned a blind eye. My advice would be consider what your position is for either outcome and then investigate or speak to him; however you see fit.

On his phone loads , is that a new thing ?
Cagey with it , wouldn’t like that ..
Has he always sat up late ??

Someone once told me that the reason you don't trust someone is because what they are saying isn't what's written on their face🫤🫤

I would definitely do some snooping on his phone when he’s asleep.

Check google history as well as it logs more than just Google searches. Look through apps and messenger apps. Check deleted photos.

I would say if you feel something is wrong it is because there is something wrong.

Gut instinct is not a real thing. People have a bias, when it is “proven right” they say “see, gut instinct” when is it proven wrong they just decide it wasn’t a gut instinct and move on to the next.

People are very quick to say "always trust your gut" on here but actually your "gut" isn't always right. It's very often confirmation bias after the fact which leads people to tell themselves "my gut was right" when actually they just remember the one time it was right and forget the nine other times it was wrong.

That said, if you feel that your relationship has deteriorated, you shouldn't ignore that.

Maybe you're asking the wrong question. The question may not be "has he done something wrong?" but more "am I happy in the relationship?"

It's impossible to tell from what you've said whether he's cheating (or planning to cheat) or whether you've tied yourself up in a paranoid knot. Either scenario is possible and only you can know. I wouldn't assume that just because someone's on their phone a lot that they must be cheating.

But if you don't feel cherished, heard and appreciated its perfectly reasonable to listen to that voice and ask yourself if your relationship is working as it should.

On the basis of a feeling?

If this is your go to without even having a discussion with your husband, then you may as well just jump to divorce.

I've been proven right on this a few times, sometimes a long time later. I hope it's nothing, OP, but I'd be on the lookout from now.

That won’t go down well on here
its always “trust your gut”.

is that helpful, if you have no idea