. . . to suspect DH of . . . I don’t know what :-(

[AmIGoingMadTheseDays]

This is going to sound nuts but in the last few months I’ve developed a suspicion of DH; as if he’s doing something “wrong” in secret. I don’t even know what it is, and the feeling is based on nothing I can put my finger on.

We’ve been together for ten years and we have two children. We both work and have reasonable social lives, although we usually socialise separately as we don’t have childcare. We’re very much in “parent” mode and our relationship has definitely changed in the last few years.

I know that none of you can tell me whether this weird feeling is justified. I suppose what I’m asking is, has anyone ever had a similar feeling, a strong instinct that their DP is hiding something, but no actual proof or facts . . . and then been proved right? Or, ideally, proved wrong :-(

The thing is, something like 70% of our communication is non verbal. Which is why things can seem ‘off’ without anything specific or obvious being done. People who are unhappy in a relationship ARE communicating that in some way. People who are in the midst of an affair ARE communicating that in some way. He could be unhappy, or he might be feeling guilty which is very difficult to successfully cover up over time! A pp’s suggestion of trying to carve out some time together to come at it from a ‘I don’t feel like we’re in a good place’ perspective is a good start. Unless they are accomplished/pathalogical liars (my ex was and I STILL got a hunch he was up to no good) there’s likely to be some information in his response.

Go to GP for a mental health check.

Just want to throw out there 6 years ago my mum thought my dad was having an affair! An affair with her sister 😅
Yes he was hiding things from her so was my Aunt - in fact we all were.
My sister and I had asked them to help us throw her a surprise bday party 🥳 🎉

Mum knew something was going on she didnt know what.

I hope you can figure out what is going on, and why you are getting the gut feeling something is off.

Porn op. The slight, almost intangible withdrawal can mean porn use. It’s so toxic. It’s the dopamine hit he’s craving, which is easier than working on a relationship with relativity 2 small kids. Check his browser history/for burner phones. 🤨

Agree

Get some childcare go away together for a night to a place you’re going to enjoy and then walk, drink and talk

To be fair that’s how most women realise their partner has an affair.
They have a feeling, snoop and discover the full extend of the affair.
Before theyd have no proof etc.. just a feeling….

I too felt something was “off”. I couldn’t put my finger on it, nothing tangible, but my internal alarm bells rang in a way they never had before. I actually asked him about it, said I knew it sounded weird but something felt “off”. He denied it of course and I told myself I was “paranoid”. Except, I wasn’t. I would suggest some discrete investigation.

There’s nothing like giving someone the benefit of the doubt is there? 😬

Is this not your cue to make more of an effort to prioritise your relationship and not wait until a mystical time in the future when your ch8ldren are grown.

I'd try and have a look at his phone

Me and my DH have 3dc. It is hard making time for us and there have been patches where we haven't prioritised our relationship.

If you feel like the relationship is suffering why not talk to your DH and express that's how you feel. What were the things you used to enjoy doing together? Can you do those again now?
Depending on the age of your kids adaptations may be necessary but you could try.

If you tell him how you're feeling and he's not prepared to try repairing the relationship that tells you all you need to know. If he is prepared to then your gut might feel different in 6 months time.

Trust your gut, intuition is rarely wrong - have been there and after being told multiple times I was paranoid etc I found out he’d been having an affair for months

Cagey on his phone? Up late? Yeah, he's cheating. Get hold of his phone OP.

If you speak first and there is something to find he’ll have chance to delete things. If she looks and doesn’t find anything then that’s that.

Just be ultra vigilant and there will be a slip up at some point … if you are right

Listen to your instinct. It’s a powerful thing.

I’ve seen numerous threads that start off like this, where it’s only instinct and the OP gaslights herself, then starts looking for evidence and finds out he’s seeing someone else.

I wouldn’t ask him outright. If you do, if he has something to hide, he’ll likely deny it rather than confess. So it won’t necessarily help you. With the added risk that, if he’s up to no good, he’ll be extra careful with evidence, deleting messages etc as he’ll be alerted you suspect.

So don’t say anything for now, but instead let him keep his guard down while you look for clues. When you know he’s out of the house for a while, check his pockets, bedside draw, car glovebox etc. When together, see if you can spot what messages come up on his phone etc. I’d never suggest or condone checking his phone but some people do. I’ve seen others who’ve clicked onto apps via shared laptops/tablets etc. Think if he’d have the opportunity to meet anyone in person: working late, weekend drink with ‘old friends’ you don’t know?

It may not be a physical affair. It could be webcam porn or messaging/sexting women via dating sites. Or it could be a different type of secret, like gambling. Or he could even be planning a surprise weekend away for the two of you, to reignite your relationship. You never know!

Don’t drive yourself crazy about it. Talk to him about the need to carve out more time together, even if it’s only a few times a year. Can the kids stay at grandparents overnight so you can have a weekend at a nearby hotel?

But keep alert and see if you find or spot anything. If you have some sort of evidence, if you ask outright later down the line, you’re more likely to get a confession.

in my experience suspicions are never unfounded, however far fetched they seem. Hope all is ok.

I knew something was up, had no idea what. Maybe affair, gay, suicidal. The answer was much worse but I was right there was something wrong. When you know you know.

I had a similar feeling for a while and it turned out my DH had developed a severe porn addiction :(

The first time I suspected, and asked him, and he just lied to my face. So your fear that he will deny is valid.

The second time I asked, he told me the truth. Our sex life had basically disappeared so he knew I suspected it.

I hope for your sake it's just emotional distance that has arisen in your relationship which can be worked on with regular date nights etc. But it may be something more serious - perhaps porn, gambling, substances, or an emotional affair.

I suggest you investigate first, to avoid any potential lies and gaslighting, which can badly damage your mental health, self-esteem, the relationship, everything. Unfortunately, when they are in active addiction, they can become dishonest and selfish, even if that isn't who they really are.

It has been a lot of work to rebuilt trust but we are strong again. I had told him I wanted to divorce and gave him back my wedding ring (okay, I actually threw it at him, I was so angry and heartbroken), and it was only then that he realised how serious it was and that he could lose me over it. He went to a sex addiction therapist and did 12 step meetings, solidly, for two years.

The only reason I believe and trust that he is still 'clean', apart from our physical relationship getting back to how it was, is that he has managed to give up other addictions in the past. We're both ex problem drinkers, but I had a few relapses over the years, whereas once he decided he was stopping, he just did it and never went back. He was the same with smoking. So while he has had problems with addictive behaviours, he's also got a good track record of determination and hard work in stopping them.

Also, I don't have the gut feeling that anything is wrong. When he was engaging in the secret behaviour, it drove an emotional wedge between us, something that was almost unconscious, but I could feel it.

Has he started looking after himself better, shaving more, buying new clothes etc.

Trust your instinct and go with your gut.
every time I have felt like this, it’s been right.

it might be nothing but could be something. It could be your inituition screaming at you. Have you suspected him of doing anything before? Do you trust him?

Honestly you can’t not trust your own intuition. I first started getting those same feelings when exDH started being on phone more, cagey and staying up late.

Is that an instinct? I just thought that was stupidity.

You don't start suspecting from nowhere. It's either folk projecting because they have a guilty conscience (which I'm assuming you aren't up to no good) of because something has triggered something in your gut. By the sounds of it, it's his cagey behaviour with the phone.
Can you access his phone when he is asleep or in shower or has he got it locked down/takes it with him?