. . . to suspect DH of . . . I don’t know what :-(

[AmIGoingMadTheseDays]

This is going to sound nuts but in the last few months I’ve developed a suspicion of DH; as if he’s doing something “wrong” in secret. I don’t even know what it is, and the feeling is based on nothing I can put my finger on.

We’ve been together for ten years and we have two children. We both work and have reasonable social lives, although we usually socialise separately as we don’t have childcare. We’re very much in “parent” mode and our relationship has definitely changed in the last few years.

I know that none of you can tell me whether this weird feeling is justified. I suppose what I’m asking is, has anyone ever had a similar feeling, a strong instinct that their DP is hiding something, but no actual proof or facts . . . and then been proved right? Or, ideally, proved wrong :-(

if you aren’t normally suspicious, i suspect you have noticed a change in behaviour and how he is interacting with you. That is your “gut feeling”. You have mentioned his phone behaviour has changed and he is now staying up late on his phone. This is a changed behaviour so this has got your spidey senses tingling. I think the best thing to do is to act as if you haven’t noticed anything, ie normal. But watch him very carefully for any other changes behaviours or routines.

Absolutely yes I would trust your instincts always. Mine have served me very well and where I messed up was in not trusting them or not trusting them sooner. He's probably up to something and the phone thing was exactly the same with me it was the first thing I noticed. And it got a lot worse later on so there will be other clues if u r right but hopefully it's nothing or not nearly as bad as it turned out for me, but look out for other patterns. Residential training courses. Odd amounts coming out of the shared account. A large amount of unexplained increased petrol consumption. a general lack of attention towards you. Crap and thoughtless gifts for birthdays or Christmas. Him ignoring texts that arrive when u r there. Leave the room then come back very quickly to see if he's suddenly jumped on his phone when u left. Taking his phone into the bathroom?? Etc

I think if you feel your relationship has been deprioritised he will too, and I dont think waiting for the kids to grow up is the approach you want.

Id certainly be looking to inject some romance

Generally speaking, many of what we call "gut feelings" ARE based on us perceiving even quite small things or changes that are "off", and so are not something woo, irrational or off the wall. Which is why they so often turn out to be correct: we're perceiving a genuine change in patterns, but can't always clearly identify the trigger or even what the change is exactly. But a partner suddenly being cagey with his phone is a known red flag.

That's not necessarily true though. That only applies if he actually is cheating. What if she accused him, but he hasn't done anything? He denies it, she doesn't believe him because 'she has a gut feeling'. So she starts going through his phone, as recommended many times on this thread, or accuses him again. And he gets pissed off, and things get worse.

Her incorrect guy feeling has ended the marriage. You can't automatically push the blame onto him, just because you have a feeling.

I do think you should trust your gut. I was highly suspicious of my ex but then let him fob me off. I was right though. Other things to look out for- mentionitis of someone at work/ gym/ hobby, sudden new interest in different music/ films/ books/ hobby etc, more grooming, new clothes, work trips away or work nights out.

I wouldn’t think affair. I would probably think porn. I don’t know if that would bother you.

NICE guidelines
What is that?

National Institute for Health and Care Excellence.

OP get some marriage counselling ASAP. I delayed getting it for ages in these circumstances. Then he confessed an affair and we're now in damage limitation mode and trying to salvage something from the wreckage with all the therapy we can get. Don't leave it, act now.

Thank you.

Ask him??

‘On his phone alot’ and ‘cagey’ - two reasons to be suspicious. Can you ‘borrow’ his phone to check the weather, traffic, etc, (and snoop) whilst yours is ‘upstairs/on charge etc’. See how he reacts? If

Move heaven and earth to get a date night once a week (you don’t have to call it date night btw) and talk to each other (ban the phones) dress up, flirt a bit - put yourself/selves first for a while.

Oh yes, I always go there in my head. Doesn't everyone?

OP I suppose nobody can tell you they were definitely wrong but I'm nearly sure I was after posting here about my instincts.

@AmIGoingMadTheseDays unfortunately I was proved right.

I was mostly blind to what was going on and hind sight is a horrible thing when it makes you feel like an idiot.

I so hope that you are proven beyond doubt to be incorrect.

The things that set my radar off were.

Unusual anger towards me at seemingly minor things or even at events way outside my control.

Distancing emotionally and physically.

Our sex life dropped away and though there was never any pressure from me. Any suggestion of it was met with she was struggling with confidence and that has taken a toll on her drive.

Her socialising became more frequent. I would never and have never said not to socialise. I even encouraged it thinking it would help her mood. Plus I worked a few evenings a week doing something I absolutly love doing. So it was good for her to get out too.

There was overly detailed descriptions of thise nights out especially when it was with work colleagues.

It had been going on for months before I became suspicious. At that point it was just out with other people from work and sneaking off to kiss or meeting at lunch for coffees.

Then came the further proof. Her stopping getting changed anywhere near me.

The worst moment like that was on holiday with the kids on a dream holiday. We had a hotel booked in between locations for just one night. It had two rooms and my wife and daughter took one and I took the other with our son. My wife called me to say she was stuck in the bath and needed help. It was super slippery and she had injured her leg a bit so couldn't get her feet under her to get out.
I came in and she covered herself up. I helped her out and she was holding her hands and arms across herself and turning sideways as if I were a stranger and not her husband and partner of 20 years. The look she gave me was like I was some sort of pervert stranger who didn't leave straight away. She had never looked at me like that and I just sank inside. The whole holiday I felt like I was a spare part to her shed rather just went away.

Turns out a week before we went was the first time she had slept with her affair partner.

A few days after we got back I found proof. Used pregnancy tests. Two of them and then the next day a third appeared. We hadn't had sex for months at that point so I knew.
I spiraled a lot and started writing my thoughts down to help me and it worked.

When confronted with the proof. And I was not hostile at all. I just stated what I thought and what I had found. It was denied. I asked again the next night. And again I was told they were old tests. They weren't.

A week later she had an emergency and needed to be away for a night. I knew that wasn't the case. And based on those detailed stories and some social media detective work I had a good idea who.

Later that night my phone rang and it was her. With him. I could hear them both together.

Turn out he wanted her to leave me and forced the situation by calling her emergency contact on her phone. Me. So I could hear them. He admited to this later on.

She came home. We talked until the sun came up. She was sorry for being caught but the words she said didnt feel like she took the blame for what she had done.

We came within a hairs breath of it ending and I was happy for that to happen.

It was actually quite nice during that time. She wasn't anywhere near as angry (turned out it was her guilt coming out in anger towards me. If i'm the bad guy then she isnt doing anything wrong) plus the stress of the secret gone. She was actually nice to be arround again. But I was still happy for it to end. I didnt want it to. I actually wanted us to try and work it out but could not see how.

Then we had a moment that just hit her as to what she had thrown away. I always try to make her laugh. Especially at my expense. And I randomly did just that by text.

She broke down and everything changed. She shared everything. Took full blame for everything and talked about how to make it up and how to work at getting us back.

Now quite a while later we are back and are both very happy. I still have off days where it hits me hard. But we can talk about it and she understands and helps or gives me space.

The one thing we haven't got back yet is her trust in my trust for her. By that I mean she is avoiding social events where i'm not involved. I know nothing will happen and she knows that too. Its just she doesnt want me worrying and feeling like that so she avoids them.

Sorry that got a bit long there.

@Round3HereWeGo This forum is full of examples of women having suspicions and being proved right. Proved wrong is less likely to be talked about though.

Those women who had suspicions that were proved right had evidence that something was wrong.

It's not as if it's normal for women to just suspect their partner is cheating with no evidence. It is not normal for women to think like that, and clearly the majority of women don't suspect their partner is cheating unless there is something that's actually wrong.

Not everyone has gut instincts that are right. My two closest friends I hated on first meeting - my 'gut instinct' told me that they were not my sort of people. Thirty years on they have never ever done anything to back up my suspicion. I just have crap instincts (which have also worked in reverse in that I fell for a guy who was the absolute worst, but I couldn't see it....)

'Trust your gut' isn't 100%

I'm in a similar situation to you. But I don't doubt my husband. He behaves just like yours. I hav 2 kids aswel and we have been married for 11 years. Things changed after child 2. All I see it as is we are so busy & then at night I need to recharge, he needs to recharge and we have grown apart. We talk about trying to connect again and it is difficult and we do argue a lot but I think it's a phase. I don't think he's having an affair because he's on his phone till late. Anytime I look he's playing games he's addicted to but I dont care. That's his way of unwinding and recharging. I love my alone time so maybe I can handle this better? I just think don't jump to conclusions and just have a look at what he does on his phone and try and talk & understand/acknowledge the situation you are both in. His response and willingness will tell you a lot more than the spidey senses.

Tbf if those things you've listed are out of character then they are red flags.

Listen to your gut.

Cherchez la femme OP.

Could you just be detecting the change of having turned into a ' routine couple'..And maybe he is a bit bored and that is why he's on his phone. ????

I am not usually an advocate of sneakiness but, yes, why dont you sneak a look at his phone or spy in him when he's not at home if at all possible. If he says he is going one place, is he really going somewhere else.etc..If he is playing around then you have rhe right to know, if not then you've done something a bit sneaky but do long as he doesn't find out it doesn't matter......amd you know you are not playing around, so novreal harm done.

I had this feeling. Months and months it went on. Ex encouraged me to take anti depressants I didnt need, when I was pregnant with our child, rather than risk me finding out what he was up to.

The day I found his secret phone was amazing. Suddenly I knew I wasnt mad, paranoid, mentally ill....whatever. He had given away nothing in terms of changed behaviour but somehow I just knew something was different. And I was right. It was all done via text and when he was at work, so no change in his usual habits.

Oh and for a laugh I will tell you how I "found" the secret phone (posted about this before), he asked me to wash a particular pair of trousers and in the pocket was a phone with no lock on it....moron had brought it home by accident instead of keeping it in his drawer at work!

Why don’t you just talk to your husband like an adult? All these posters suggesting sneaking around trying to get his phone, monitoring him! Just talk, the two of you, express that you feel the relationship has slipped in priority. Make time for just the two of you.