. . . to suspect DH of . . . I don’t know what :-(

[AmIGoingMadTheseDays]

This is going to sound nuts but in the last few months I’ve developed a suspicion of DH; as if he’s doing something “wrong” in secret. I don’t even know what it is, and the feeling is based on nothing I can put my finger on.

We’ve been together for ten years and we have two children. We both work and have reasonable social lives, although we usually socialise separately as we don’t have childcare. We’re very much in “parent” mode and our relationship has definitely changed in the last few years.

I know that none of you can tell me whether this weird feeling is justified. I suppose what I’m asking is, has anyone ever had a similar feeling, a strong instinct that their DP is hiding something, but no actual proof or facts . . . and then been proved right? Or, ideally, proved wrong :-(

I would say trust your gut instinct. I had a feeling that my exH was up to something,but tried to convince myself that I was imagining things. Turned out I was right all along,he'd been having an affair for several months and we split up 5 months later.

What a great relationship you won't even talk to him. Just because you have kids shouldn't mean you don't make a relationship priority either. But if after ten years you can't even generally talk about concerns then what's the point. And childcare can easily be sorted with babysitters so that's a choice you make. For us we talk about everything, were clear relationship stays top before kids come along and that's exactly what we've done. We adore our children and we adore each other because we still make effort to make time for each other aswell. Twice a month we have a lovely babysitter who comes to look after the 3 under 4s and keep a wee eye on the olders and it's lovely. Also making sure at least 3 nights a week everyone is either in bed or rooms a bit earlier so we can sit downstairs chat or watch a film or bring up any concerns or worries we have about ourselves or kids. The other nights we like to do that but with the kids

Yes. I had a “feeling” for years and would ask time and again what he was hiding. He’d accuse me of being paranoid and said my suspicions were ruining our marriage. I tried to ignore the “feeling” but I just knew he was doing something. I didn’t know what and couldn’t shake the feeling.

Gambling. A massive, massive gambling addiction. We divorced - he’d had ample opportunities and made me ill with all the gaslighting. No real advice I’m sorry to say - but trust you gut instincts. I guessed at many things but gambling never crossed my mind.

Good luck.

I disagree with this. Your relationship should always be a priority also.

Okay, but what though? It could be that he has developed an online gambling problem, or has become a cross dresser in ‘spare time in secret’, or is having an affair or one of many other things. Do you really have no suspicions on what it could be?

If you asked him what is it he’s doing on his phone, what would he say?

If he looks cornered, shifty or angry I’d say you’ve room for concern.

If he hands you his phone voluntarily after you explaining how him being on his phone for long periods affects you, that’s the best way he can address this.
Good luck.

The reasons to suspect are there, they have created your gut feeling. Maybe your conscious mind hasn’t yet processed what they are, but they will be factually real things that you have perceived and processed in another way. Always trust your instincts.

Wrong. I had zero “evidence”. He wasn’t weird with his phone, he wasn’t staying up late, he wasn’t going out more, or doing anything different at all. But, I felt it in my bloody bones in a way that I cannot describe. I’m a scientist by profession, I deal in facts, I am not “woo” at all, which is, in large part, why I dismissed my own intuition.
As it turns out now I have an actual timeline, the first time I felt something was “off” was the morning after something first happened. One of my biggest regrets about the entire thing is not trusting MYSELF more. I absolutely knew, I just didn’t believe my own instincts. I also made the mistake of judging other people by my own standards. I won’t make either of those mistakes again.

No I don’t think they do ! I think k they think he’s is a bad mood and don’t think their relationship is over or that he’s in a bad mood as he hates them.

So you're recommending that she sneaks around behind her husband's back, lies and invades his privacy. But as long as he doesn't find out, that's ok? You don't think that's just a bit hypocritical?

I do think they should sit down and have a chat first. But the thing is someone hiding say a gambling addiction isn't necessarily going to say hey its this let me show you. They more often than not think they can hide it and "protect" their partner from if. Handle it all on their own.

In that case if they have a chat and nothing comes to light but the behaviours continue. Say he won't show her the phone if she asks. Then I'm of the believe that if you share a life,finances children a home etc then you have a right to look at the phone. She may well save herself years of wasted time. I really don't sign up to this whole biggest sin ever to look at someone's phone.

The best way obviously is to set these expectations and boundaries when you first meet. But I'm all for women saving themselves years of their life wasted on the wrong person.

Agreed..
Different thing invading your partners privacy just for the heck of it opposed to if you are doing so cause you have concerns..
OP really feels there is something up ….

@Kattley in theory I totally agree- in practice very few people just own up to ‘stuff’ as part of a chat unless they know they have been sussed - be it porn, gambling , affairs , drugs, that’s just human nature for ‘most’

Just because you feel something's not right, doesn't mean there's something wrong. But it probably means that's something's different.

I tend to think that anyone who insists we all 'trust our gut' should never be allowed to serve on a jury. But it would be disingenuous to suggest that that completely applies in a relationship because, unlike in a trial where all you have to consider is the evidence presented, in a relationship you have a lot of experience of what's gone before, how things normally feel and how that isn't what it feels like now.

There's no point asking him the question 'what's wrong with you?' - because, if he doesn't think there's anything wrong the answer will be 'nothing' and if he's lying the answer will be 'nothing', so you've got nowhere.

I think you have to say, 'what's changed?'. If the answer to that is 'nothing', then you can straightforwardly say, 'no, I feel something has'. And if the answer to that is 'you're just imagining it' then you can - you ought - to say, 'yes, that's one possibility - let's talk about what it is that seems different to me.'

If he completely refuses to engage in that conversation, then at the very least you have a problem with mutual care and communication. And that's worth saying as it's likely to lead somewhere - though who knows where?

What is a ‘mental health check’ and how would she arrange that by the way? 😁
Should she turn up to the doctors office and say ‘ I have a weird feeling my husband is hiding something from me, I have no concrete proof, can you check my mental health please?’

(I actually do know of woman who went to the doctor and said their DOG was acting weird and the GP believed them and ran tests. It was actually correct)

If you polled 1000 women who now know for sure that their husband had/was having an affair - did their husband admit to it 1st time he was questioned without having any evidence, I’d bet my life that 1000 would say he denied it.

Suddenly my husband was never off his phone, it was always turned over when not in his hand, he became distant and seemed to be always picking fault with me. Never suspected an affair because “He was not the type” and he struggled with Erectile Disfunction …. I knew something was different but no way could he be having an affair ..…
Turned out he’d been having a very active affair for 4.5 years with a married woman at work and popping little blue pills.
OP please get in to that phone but don’t ask and give him the opportunity to deny and delete.

If you polled 1000 women who now know for sure that their husband had/was having an affair - did their husband admit to it 1st time he was questioned without having any evidence, I’d bet my life that 1000 would say he denied it.

But how many women do you have to poll to get your thousand? How many women thought their husband was having an affair, but wasn't? All those men would have denied it as well and been correct. Just because you don't believe someone doesn't mean they are lying. And constantly accusing or interrogating an innocent person isn't going to improve any situation.

Not if he's cheating on her. Because if he is, he'll just lie and double down on hiding it if she confronts him and then she'll waste even more of her time and money. And if he isn't, then she'll be the only one to know she checked up on him amd so long as she never tells anyone else then nobody is any the wiser amd what does it matter. You can't sit down with a cheat and have a civil conversation.

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Do you know what my husband said when I mentioned my suspicions about an OW?
He said:

"you're making it up, you're imagining it, you're getting dementia like your mother had" - My Mum who had died of PD a few months earlier.

That is literally identical to my story, all of it! Added to that my DH convinced my family that I was paranoid and must be having a breakdown, and together they had me sectioned. Even since the truth came out, I can’t ever forgive them for believing him over me.

It hurts so much to see people suggesting that OP is mentally ill. OP do not be gaslighted by other people. My ex denied everything for years, literally hundreds of times. Even once I had proof he told me it had only happened once even though I could prove it went on for years. They never admit it.

That is fucking awful! Do you speak to any of them? I dont think I could ever bring myself to have anything to do with them ever again.

I am so so sorry that you went through that. Its so upsetting that he would put you through it. I thought mine was bad, encouraging me to take un needed medication while pregnant rather than admit it.

Hi Op you are possibly worried that he’s cheating, gambling? I would not just presume that everything will be ok when kids are older. Does he go out more than usual? Dress differently? Is he avoiding going to bed at the same time with you? Something sounds off tbh.

If you don't want to accuse him of anything, what I do read from your posts is that you are feeling insecure and would like reassurance from him that everything is ok between you. Its not a mental health problem to feel loved and secure in a relationship.

If you aren't worried about him hiding evidence of some dubious deeds, Its worth pointing out to him that you've noticed he spends his evening on his phone and it makes you feel isolated, and maybe see what he says?

Trust your gut! X

I feel so angry that you went thru this.
How on earth did you ever recover, obviously I don’t mean from the affair.