DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

This is such a hilarious comment. They have a disagreement about money and they don’t like each other? Such a melodramatic and goading comment. And why shouldn’t she ask for advice in an anonymous forum? Literally the point of this site

I just want to say most of the comments here have been supportive and helpful and I do appreciate them

Yes I have never brought up it’s “my house” or anything ridiculous like that. It was him that brought up the financial situation over the bills etc.

@Lily0o

You are being taken advantage of.

You sound like a nice person, but are gullible.
He's an ingrate.
I'd tell him to go.

You can’t get UC for a mortgage

There's SOMETHING OP is not telling us. OP said something about this man getting back on his feet. From what? Is this a situation where she's had an affair with someone else's husband/partner, I wonder, and he's been chucked out and had to move straight in with OP?

I’m with the OP here so I’m baffled by some comments that she’s getting.

I think the poster was saying if you were to have children in the future, your DP’s controlling streak would be more of a concern, especially if you at that point, dropped your hours to look after the children. His I’m paying so what I say goes attitude would be a problem

Whilst I do think he is getting a great deal you do have to remember that all your outgoings are only benefitting you and you will make money on your asset. His outgoings are for you both and are sunk costs with no return. Therefore 50/50 bills and rent might make things seem fairer.

Exactly! Half this site is people making threads about their relationships! What a silly woman

I don't disagree. I wouldn't like it at all if my DP did that, and I would definitely think it is a concern for the future! However with my DP, I've realized we come to cost-sharing from different mindsets. I like to be generous with the hope (not expectation) that he is too (but then get upset if he isn't a mind reader). And, he prefers to split everything down the middle. I used to think he was being a tightwad and would get upset, but have come around to thinking that the important thing is that we are on the same page on what we are thinking re finances. He is just a stellar human being in general and has been wonderful to me and my DS, hugely generous in every other respect. But if I had raised any of the money mismatch issues on MN, I'm sure I would have been told I needed to LTB :). And, that would have been idiotic. Not sure if it is for the OP, but she will have to balance the other things too.

I’m realistically saving about £200 a month which really is nothing. It’s not this huge benefit for me

To me it matters what his situation would otherwise be. Is he a renter anyway? Would he have bought his own place? Is there a plan to buy together?

Currently you've got it pretty cushty, you’re paying into your asset and got all your bills covered by someone else. I can see why he’d be a bit pissed about it, especially putting heating on this early, what will you be like in the depths of winter?

How much is he actually paying? Considering that’s about to go up over winter.

If he was only ever going to rent, then sure it’s probably not too bad of a deal, but even then, a set amount would be more reasonable like a proper rent, not fluctuating depending how many resources you want to consume that month.

However if he could/would have bought a property then it seems more unreasonable as he’s currently not able to build his own asset (or portion of it) he’s just paying your bills.

*LifeBeginsToday

I'm with him on it being too early for heating*
Personally, I go by the temperature and not the time.

"Therefore 50/50 bills and rent might make things seem fairer."

I doubt cock-lodger would agree to paying a lot more !!

The “back on his feet” comment comes from one of the people who felt that the Op should pay everything in order to help him be in a position so he could buy his own property.

To me it seems pretty obvious that they are two well paid professionals with plenty of money who can afford to put the heating on whenever they want. Except he is either tight fisted or just unpleasant.

Sorry, for some reason I missed the post about his salary and what he's paying you by way of bills £500 pcm is lodger/HMO level of housing expenditure so for him to be complaining about you putting the heating on is ridiculous.

Maybe, in his defence, he doesn't feel the cold or comes from a household where the heating didn't get put on til November or some such, but still he clearly doesn't know a good deal when he's got one. If you do decide not to bin off this sad sack, get a formal cohabitation agreement drawn up to protect yourself from any financial arseholery further down the line. In the meantime, I'd tell him you'll put the heating on as and when you feel the cold, as you did before he moved in, and if he can't get his head round that then he and his 500 quid can fuck right off.

Personally I would be asking myself why I am with someone who clearly has a great deal financially and is still moaning. He is obviously tightfisted and this is a red flag - it does not bode well for the future.

ignore him and turn it on ! If he keeps on saying he pays the bills you can add rent on top if the bills too ! Or tell him to FOfff and find his own place

I think you misunderstood this comment somebody who exclaims “I pay the bills so I say when the heating goes on” is a concern for the future. Especially if they gave children and she has to work less.

I may be wrong but I thought that poster was just telling you to be careful of the future if this is how he behaves now. IF you decide to have children he will constantly be counting who pays what etc. This is not a man that will reliably support you if you go on maternity leave and your pay drops.

I am paying around £2200 a month (with water, TV, internet, food), he’s paying £350-£400 a month. I don’t have it “cushy” I worked hard and saved up and brought my own apartment. He was living with his parents when he met me. He makes over £3000 a month and is paying around £400 a month which is insanely cheap for where we live. Do you financially support anyone by any chance? Probably not. I’m saving about £200 a month. That’s nothing.

You write as though OP has just decided to come on here and moan about their financial arrangements for no reason. Her partner, who has a very good deal leaving him with about £2500 of disposable income, decided to shout at her when she put the heating on for an hour last week when it was cold because 'he pays the bills'.

She's annoyed because people like you have suggested that she should support him financially and that he shouldn't have to make any sort of financial contribution to their household. That's such a ludicrous suggestion that OP, a self-sufficient woman in her last twenties should cover all the expenses of her similarly aged boyfriend who earns a pretty large salary Why on earth would she?

“Easy response: “If I can’t put the heating on because you pay the bills, then you can’t sleep here because I pay the mortgage. Fuck off”

Why are you financially supporting this man?

He could always pay rent if he’s not happy. He’s living there rent free.

Where's the rest of his money going?