DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

So you're paying the fixed monthly mortgage on a property you both live in but only you own.
He pays all the household bills which will fluctuate based on heating use etc.
I think you're getting a good deal whilst protecting your asset to be honest.
Yes if he moved out he'd have to pay rent aswell as bills but you'd have to pay mortgage and the bills too.
Who pays the most per month?

I don’t believe the op owns this property!!

this will be paid for by her housing benefit

and he’s moved in (without updating UC) and because it’s her council property, he’s paying the bills.

So he’s pays £500 pm and you pay 2k pm and he is playing the big man and deciding you can’t have the heating on???!!!! Fuck that.

if you decided to have kids together and you decide to take maternity/reduced hours and he ends up paying more of the bills he will feel he has ownership over any decisions.

i remember I earned more than exh until I went on maternity all of a sudden he started with - it’s my money I’ll do as I like. Funnily enough it was our money when I earnt more than him.

Id seriously consider your future with this man. But in the mean time maybe it would be easier if he paid a set amount say £500 per month as his contribution so then theres no issue of his payments fluctuating

Read. The. Full. Thread.

OP pays almost four times as much.

So he’s paying no rent, just covering the bills ? That sounds like a good deal to me however often you put the heating on. Tell him he has two options. He can either appreciate he’s getting a good deal and stop complaining about the heating, or alternatively he can stump up for rent and half the bills. Actually now I come to think of it, there’s a third option. He can pay his own rent and bills somewhere else - a penny pinching cheapskate who would see you cold to keep his costs down isn’t a good life choice OP.

Yeah some these comments are insane. I’m 28 and he’s 26. There‘s no huge backstory of divorce and affairs and kids.

Oh dear indeed. You are being deliberately unpleasant and goady to the OP. I'm pretty sure that there are no children involved. You are just making stuff up to suit your weird narrative.

But if it was 50/50 bills plus rent he would likely be paying a lot more. So it IS benefitting him.

Honestly, OP, this site is batshit at times.

He’s absolutely being unreasonable - it’s your house/home and you have every right to put the heating on when you’re cold. I think going forward I’d be splitting the bills but also charging him rent too and as it’s early days, look into it to make sure you protect your asset. I suspect if you do this though (charge rent and split bills, meaning he pays more), you’ll likely see a lot more of his tight arsed behaviour.

Good luck!

OP does. Four times as much.

It was a mistake I thought I was at the beginning sorry.
You sound like a lovely person.

He’s getting an insanely good deal. He should keep his mouth shut and enjoy the free ride rather than bringing up money 🙄 He has over the average persons salary left after all his bills etc are covered but would rather see you cold then the heating go up a few pounds. Grim.

Hi OP,

I think deciding what's absolutely fair in similar situations can be tricky.

One thing that I don't think is relevant is that your flat would cost £2500 to rent. I think you have said your partner earns £3k each month? As a single man he wouldn't be renting a 3 bed flat for £2500. He would be choosing something more in keeping with his budget.

That aside he is lucky to have affordable living expenses.

I think attitudes to heating and whether someone shivers with a dressing gown on top of their clothes or cranks it up and sits around in shorts can be deeply ingrained ideas sometimes based on upbringing, whether doing the same as their upbringing or rebelling against it.

Having read all your posts and thought about it I think the sensible thing to do would just be to charge him £500 each month. You have said that this tends to be the most the bills cost but if he is a person anxious about heating and the cost he has the piece of mind of knowing that his £500 is fixed. You would need to look again perhaps every year to see if his contribution needs to go up with inflation.

Your partner would be wise to save up so he can own a property in future whether part own with you or buy his own or even for his own rent and deposit if things don't work out between you. He will be used to very unrealistically low living costs if he doesn't save and have no assets.

”How much do you each pay?” Is starting to become “cancel the cheque”.

If he was living with his parents I think he probably payed less than now. I think you need to speak with him about real life OP.
Because I think that he think that paying that much to you(I his mind is not 500 pounds is all the bills) is doing you a favour.
Other than that he is not a keeper if he start with this silly this early in a relationship.

It's the way he spoke to you which was unpleasant, regardless of who owns the home. You're both in your 20's, both earning well, his attitude is a red flag, and someone you should think twice about marrying. It's probably best to end the relationship now, and find someone who is not an asshole when it comes to money. Because a mingebag like him will end up forcing you back to work right after giving birth so that he doesn't have to financially provide for you and the baby to live.

Honestly, his attitude now, is enough to warn you that he's not good enough for you to spend the rest of your life with.

If you want to invent your own thread, start a new one. In this thread OP owns the property and pays the mortgage.

I was the ‘man’ in your scenario so you might not like my reply. With cost of living- him paying £3-400 for a flat share is a bloody bargain regardless of who pays what. I’ve got graduates at work paying a hell of a lot more than that for something really quite gritty.

The situation was a bit different for me as my (now( husband had a ridiculously low interest rate so his mortgage was only £100 a month and he also had a lodger when I moved in. Between us we paid the max from the tax free rent a room scheme as ‘rent’ and split the cost of a cleaner between three of us. So I was paying more than the mortgage but it was much cheaper than what I had been paying. Once, the lodger moved out I didn’t pay anything. I just saved into an ISA and our finances became more intertwined and joint.

I’d be fucked if anyone else was telling me when I could and couldn’t put the heating on in my own house!

He's paying, in winter, £500 for a place to live? If he's earning £3k he can be saving a considerable amount towards a mortgage. he wouldn't get a broom cupboard in Brighton for that.

YANBU. He SERIOUSLY needs to cotton on to the fact that, even in the coldest winter he's living very inexpensively, and it's really quite the turn off to be scolding his partner for turning the heating on.

You'd be better off financially getting a lodger, and he'd be worse off financially if he moved out. So what's his end game in, let's be honest, biting the hand that feeds him?

Ignore the muppets

All you have to do is work out what you want from him. If it's as simple as some common sense sit him down and ask him to think through what it is about your arrangement he doesn't like.

Give him the figures you gave us here and tell him very plainly that his comment about the heating pissed you off mightily and you want to talk about itvrtather then letting the 2 of you hold negative feelings about it

If he can't do that then you can makenyour own decision about how to go forward, even if that does include kicking his ungrateful arse out!

what would 'a fair rent?' be, in your eyes?
Because I'll bet that either half of OP's mortgage, or 50% of the average rent of the same size property - would, given it's a 3 bed in an expensive area almost definitely be significantly more than he's currently paying, BEFORE you even added 50% of bills on top.

but actually, yeah perhaps OP should suggest this to him, so he can see how idiotic it is and what a good deal he's currently getting too.

'DP I've thought about it and I agree, it's not fair you pay all the bills. So currently you pay £400 for gas, electric and council tax. I looked on rightmove and the other 3 bed flats on this street/in the building are £2500 to rent a month. So let's split everything down the middle, £1250 rent and £200 bills. Yes that will take your spending from £400 p/m to £1450 but you're right, it's much fairer!'

Of course it’s relevant as that’s the flat he’s living in!

If he wants to rent a cheap studio or a grotty houseshare elsewhere he’s free to do so.

That would definitely form part of the sit down chat i would recommend

Congratulations on failing to read my post

This is the most sensible answer. He pays his half of the bills and she pays the other half. If he wasn't living there then she would have to pay for everything. She pays all of the mortgage as he doesn't have any rights to the property.

However the main issue is that instead of discussing things in a sensible way he started an argument which to me would show that he wasn't mature enough to live with and I would therefore probably get rid.