DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

I do think I somewhat agree with him. I lived in my partners house for 4y, he paid 100% mortgage, we split bills (I paid slightly over 50% as was saving rent). We now live in my house, we both pay our own mortgage and split all food and bills 50:50. He pays the bills on his in full as chooses not to rent it

He is ridiculous. I actually pay all our bills and if anyone is cold the heating goes on regardless. I do know some people are really anal about when to turn the heating in and martyre themselves for some reason going on abouy how they dont turn the heating on until they are getting frostbite. I do not speak with these people.

OP, I'm sorry the comments on this thread seem to have gone off on a fiery tangent. I think you probably have an unfair financial deal, and likely need to make it clearer to your DP that you are still paying the bulk of the bills, and should be able to put on the heating if you are cold. It is something to be discussed with your partner. If you otherwise have a good relationship this can be worked on.

In the few weeks I've been on MN, I've been surprised at how quickly (and with how little information) folks jump to telling women to end relationships. You have the full picture both of your finances and your relationship, and are best placed to decide how to tackle this.

When now DH moved into my house - I paid the mortgage and he paid the bills, only they were in my name, I totted them up and added £100 extra.

He was paying more to live in a shared house, so we were both up on the deal.

Any remaining money went on holidays. I had been living off £50 a week to pay petrol, bus fair and food. So It was a nice bit extra.

When he saved we brought a joint property.

I don’t think you should keep him and i don’t think he should moan about an extra hours heating! Sometimes the house needs a boost.

So his paying upto £500 a month to live in a nice three bed, and his moaning??

Seriously op tell him you don’t think living together is working and want to go back to having you own places. See his face drop and back tracking start. His saving a fortune.

Also just the whole attitude of I’m paying the bills. Ok Billy big balls pay them all in your own place and come back to me.

Just set up a lodger agreement or a rent agreement with him, then he can pay rent and half the bills

Where did I say you’ve “said some horrible things” about your partner

the entire crux of the thread is not what I regard as indicating a remotely happy health loving relationship.

I guess we all have different benchmarks.

I imagine you could cut the tension with a knife at your place tonight op 😦

I genuinely laughed out loud at this!

He’s taking the piss OP, Charge him market rate rent, split the utilities. Then he’ll shut up.

Yep.

You do realise you’re judging a relationship off 1 post from MN on a literal stranger that you’ve never met. Yet you think you can tell OP more about her relationship than she can.

Hating people aren’t happy and happy people aren’t hating. That’s all I’m saying

Hmmm im with another poster that you pay for your asset but the bills should be 50/50.

We are in our twenties neither of us have children. Not sure what triggered you so much about my asking what’s normal in terms of sharing bills.

I see this but somebody who exclaims “I pay the bills so I say when the heating goes on” is a concern for the future. Especially if they gave children and she has to work less.

It seems so petty to complain about an hour’s worth of heating in a small flat. So I wonder if the complaint is about something wider? Some reasons I can think of are quite ugly but others are more benign. Maybe ask to talk to him tonight and try to get to the bottom of it.
For example, maybe:
(1) it’s about control (he feels emasculated by your success and is trying to find some way to ‘be the boss’; if so, this is pure misogyny so dump him faster than last week’s bread!) or
(2) he feels you took it for granted that he would pay more and just wanted to be asked out of courtesy, or
(3) he’s just tight (!), or
(4) he doesn’t care about your comfort or feelings so only wants to pay more if HE’S cold? (if so, another red flag!), or
(5) it’s more about the principle that he thinks you still view the flat as ‘yours’ rather than it being a shared home, and make no concessions to the fact he lives there too now.

Any of these could be possible!

Triggered 😆

To be honest his mmindset would give me the serious ick. Do you refuse to let him choose the tv channel or sit on the sofa because it’s “your house”. I assume not.

But assuming everything else is good and you want to give him another chance I would charge him a fixed rent based on the cost of a room in a shared house in Brighton. Get a cohabitation agreement drawn up to ensure he has no claim on your house. And then split bills 50:50. That should work out as good or better financially for you, and there’s absolutely no way he could claim you’re not being very generous. Should squash the “I pay” argument.

OP you've only mentioned council tax and fuel bill, so maybe £4-500 per month on average. Who's paying water rates, internet/landline, house insurance, replacing washing machine, carpets, plumber's bills, standing charge, etc? Also, do you pay your fuel bills as they arrive, so less in the summer, or do you pay the same each month? If the former perhaps he's forgotten how much fuel bills vary - our usage can go from £90.in August to £300 in January.

I think he's focusing on one bill and not seeing the wider costs.

Good luck op

hope that the tension eases up enough by bedtime!

He clearly moved in with you for financial reasons and he's discovering that he's not going to make as much money from living in your flat as he expected.

What a WANKER.

Kick him out and get a lodger.

That would be such a big plot twist. I'm tempted to microwave some popcorn.

😆

im right though

He takes home at least £3000 per month and pays £500 per month. He has a lot of disposable income so he's hardly on the bones of his arse. He's basically living the life of Riley at OP's expense and then moaning when she puts the heating on for an hour.