DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

You’re not a grabby monster. DP is an adult bringing in £3K per month, he’s paying no rent or mortgage and £500 max on bills. It’s not like you’re expecting him to pay half your mortgage with no financial benefit to him.

Only you know what he’s like IRL, is he usually a loving and generous partner?

If you’re happy with him paying no mortage I’d say he should pay all bills and all the food shop, so if you’re paying £1920 mortgage and he’s paying £700-800 for the bills and food then I think that’s MORE than fair but that’s my opinion.

He would be paying about £1500-2500 if he rented alone

Take no notice OP. This is Mumsnet. My advice, tell your partner to fuck off. In fact, give him a blanket and tell him to go and sleep on the beach. He won't have to worry about paying bills then.

I’m bitter about women who’ve never financially supported a man in their entire lives (whilst being financially supported by men themselves) telling me it’s my moral duty to financially support a man.

Oh dear - did you find him in the 1950s?
There’s nothing worse than a tight/mean partner ….. and he’ll get worse not better.
Charge him the going rate for rent and split the bills OR throw him back and find someone who treats you better. I’d be doing the latter as he sounds awful.

This is what I mean. You don't seem to like each other. What's the point? Just tell him to go.

Any children in this shit show home OP?

How do you know that, though? You have no idea about people's circumstances.

Sounds like he has a good deal. I would put all bills in your name and out of your account and charge him the going rate for a room in your area, plus half the food. Then he can’t months complain about the heating.

That was me. OP had said she didn't need any of the money he was giving her and could manage to pay everythign herself before he moved in anyway. She wants total control of what goes on in the house. So therefore the idea to treat him like a houseguest for a little while is an option, to check if they're compatible enough to live together. And THEN decide on a fair split of financial responsibilties, but that would also mean OP having to compromise on how she likes to do things.. Clearly they're not compatible. It doens't even appear that OP LIKES this man, and even seems to talk about him with contempt. So I assume the only thing he's bringing to the relationship is fantastic sex on tap or he's a good cook!

Only if the Homeowner is a mug.

‘I pay for the bricks and roof, so you can’t use the rooms within them’

I think the way you are talking about him gives an impression you aren't that keen on him, and him not wanting the heating on (for whatever reason) also suggests he might not be bothered about how you feel, so maybe this just shows you are incompatible.
I imagine it is quite hard to have an equal relationship where it starts on unequal terms with you being the home owner.

Based on one argument over the heating? I was just wondering if our financial arrangement was fair? Please find ONE COMMENT where I’ve said anything negative about him. I literally just quoted an argument. You’re just making stuff up.

You would be much better charging him a rent as a lodger. Yes he’s getting cheap accommodation, but you’re not paying bills. Recipe for disaster, frankly

why should anyone be “wrapped up” in their own home. Unless you are in financial trouble be as comfortable as you can be. He’s got a very cushy life imo.

Understatement

the op can’t stand him on the basis of this thread! And the idea they this pair are together now in the house as the op bangs away on her thread about him is weird.

He will be the type questioning every time the kids need new shoes tedious after a while

So it’s a blissful love affair? 😆

any children?

Could you 'charge' him a fixed sum of money each month instead which goes towards rent/bills, like he would be charged in a house share for example? He has this set up as a standing order each month payable to you and it goes towards your outgoings. He is still getting a far better deal than what he would be doing if he lived alone paying rent and bills.

I don’t mean on this thread I just mean what I’ve seen on other threads with this sort of topic. No you shouldn’t have to support a grown man he should be paying his way. It’s completely up to you and him how you decide to split mortgage and bills. If he is only paying £500 maximum then he shouldn’t really complain about the cost of heating considering he’s paying no rent.

I must admit, I'm a bit torn on this one.

My first reaction was tell the cheeky sod to do one if he isn't happy.

But, thinking it through, I'm not so sure. Yes, you pay the mortgage, but you also benefit from that entire asset eventually - it's not day to day expenses.

From a day to day expenses point of view, then you are getting a bit of a free ride if he is covering all the bills and food.

If I was in your situation, I'd perhaps look at splitting the bills 50/50 or even better getting a proper rental / lodger agreement set up - this would also protect you in the future.

I have a friend who lived with her partner for years, they then got married, before he left her just after their two year anniversary. The only thing that has stopped him getting a share of the house, which belonged to her a long time before she met him, is the fact that for the first seven years he lived with her, he had a rent book!

Are you a child who’s never been in a relationship before? You’re aware couples sometimes argue? And why have you ignored my comment? You said I’ve said horrible things about my partner I’m asking for an example? What a liar.

When me and my DH first moved in, I owned the apartment. It was a two bed and I had a roommate. She paid rent and 1/3 bills. He paid 1/3 bills. I paid the other third and mortgage.

After we married we split everything 50:50.

So I did do what others have suggested. I also earned more supported him throughout most of our early years of marriage but those days are long over now.

But I never considered any of it me being a sugar mama. More us building a life together and, in that phase, I just happened to be the higher earner.

Btw his earnings have far surpassed what either of us had imagined (we always expected to earn similarly). He often reflects back on those early days and how I looked after him back then.

I’m on your side OP. He is getting a good deal and if he’s not happy, I suggest he moves out tbh.

Oh dear

Im guessing you ignoring the question means there are some poor children involved in this love match? Or more likely yours from a previous relationship and he moved in