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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

651 replies

Lily0o · 06/10/2025 17:09

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

OP posts:
Sheridanbucket · 07/10/2025 19:28

He’s not nice.

ChampagneLassie · 07/10/2025 19:29

OMG, I used to live in Brighton and had a flatmate who sounds suspiciously like your DP. I offered to cover the entire bills as I like to be toasty and warm and he still turned the heating down. Drove me mad

deckchairmayhem · 07/10/2025 19:32

Get rid of him. He wants to live as cheaply as possible...at yours!

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 07/10/2025 19:32

I have a very low tolerance for men at the moment so I may not be the best to answer this 🤣 I would research rentals in the area, charge him rent and go halves on all the bills. He may end up regretting telling you what to do in your own home if his costs go up. Personally I would boot the prick out. Not a man on this earth would get away with telling me I couldn’t or shouldn’t put the heating on.

localnotail · 07/10/2025 19:33

I suggest you change the arrangement and get him to pay fixed rent that includes the bills. Look how much renting a room in a house costs in your area, deduct some % and tell him its your house and you can put heating on in summer, if you feel like it.

Shotokan101 · 07/10/2025 19:37

I "predume" that your mortgage payments is in excess of his "contributions in lieu of rent - so I would suggest you point out to him that until he's paying for everything then you will do as you please in YOUR home, and even if he does you will continue to do so, and if he doesn't lije it the he can get out and start having child support deducted from his wages.

....."simp,es" - what a controlling misogynistic twerp. - Personally, I'd just get rid of him instead as this type of behaviour is a pretty big red flag.....

converseandjeans · 07/10/2025 19:38

@Lily0o I don’t think the issue you have is the division of costs more the fact that he is being controlling & tightfisted. It was cold last week & I put the heating on for a short time. Myself & DP pay same amount per month & I would be irritated if he tried to tell me off.

I think he’s taking the mick tbh with how much he is paying considering he’s on such a decent salary. What is he like with paying for social things?

usedtobeaylis · 07/10/2025 19:45

The measure for heating is if you're cold, not the time of year. He's being a dick.

LondonLady15 · 07/10/2025 19:45

My partner has moved in with me and this is how we are doing it:

  • I pay the mortgage in full £900
  • i pay the household bills
  • he pays me £500 rent.
  • his flat is rented out so he’s got an investment but expenses are covered
  • we both buy food etc and whatever’s needed
  • he usually pays when we go out
  • he usually funds bigger holidays and treats me
We are both happy with this for now as only been a couple of years but we will probably look to buy somewhere and join finances further down the line. We reckon we are both saving around £400-500 on our previous separate finances so both gaining from our arrangement.
Loloblue · 07/10/2025 19:52

Sounds like you're just getting a sense of boundaries - but he doesn't know how lucky he is and I would be pointing it out if this comes up again.

Nothing7 · 07/10/2025 19:53

treaclejam · 06/10/2025 18:55

Whilst I do think he is getting a great deal you do have to remember that all your outgoings are only benefitting you and you will make money on your asset. His outgoings are for you both and are sunk costs with no return. Therefore 50/50 bills and rent might make things seem fairer.

He could buy his own place and then he would be benefiting from his monthly payments. If it was a private landlord would the landlord just make him pay rent because the landlord is benefitting from owning the property?? Just because theyre in a relationship doesn’t mean he should get a free ride? Unless he was previously living rent free at home with his parents and therefore had less outgoings, if not I suspect he’s way better off now?

oldmoaner · 07/10/2025 19:54

Well I know what I'd do, but, try giving him smaller meals and if he asks why say well I don't eat as much as you (if you don't) but we pay 50/50 on the food so we should only have the same amount. I had a boss years ago and I remember his wife ringing and asking if she could put the heating on because her and the children were really cold. I thought no way would I live like that. Tighter than a d...s a..e.

RedPandaHS · 07/10/2025 19:55

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but at this stage of the seasons and your relationship, perhaps you should both sit down (neutral place) and have a chat. Maybe suggest other ways of how to share the bills, or factor bills as equally proportional to your incomes? This may be the time to cement the lines of communication. Good luck!

dontmalbeconme · 07/10/2025 19:55

You're paying towards an asset that you'll solely own, whilst hes covering your living costs. Its not exactly fair, is it?

Poodlemother · 07/10/2025 19:58

Yes, you ARE being unreasonable. Heat is a subjective thing. I used to be so cold up North, that I wore 3-4 layers in the house and had a hot water bottle down my front and to keep warm. The dogs were in 2 coats, 3 if we went out, plus shoes. You can survive. His Lordship worked in a centrally heated building so was nice and cosy during the day. NOW we have moved down south, I am nice and warm and HE is freezing cold. The point being that I hate funding the shareholders of the big power companies, the greedy bastids. IF your darling takes you on holidays, pays for evenings out and would rather squander his hard earned money on you, then keep the heating off. The bottom line, is do you love him? I like a man who is financially aware. I hate paying large companies.

Tryonemoretime · 07/10/2025 19:59

Lily0o · 06/10/2025 17:09

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

You are either a team or you are not a team.....

Buzyizzy217 · 07/10/2025 20:00

£2500? In your dreams. I rented a 2 bed in Brighton for £1200 last year.
Secondly, he should be named on the mortgage if he is living there. You’re breaking no end of rules with your mortgagee. If you either decided to sell, or it had to be repossessed, he would have rights. Do things properly. Put him on the mortgage and split everything. Saves all arguments.

ScribblingPixie · 07/10/2025 20:03

This isn't a sensible arrangement given that you're the home owner and not looking for him to get a share. It reads a bit as if you tried to give him some responsibility to make things more equal between you eg him paying your council tax bill, but it's just a fudge and has made him entitled. You should just be more comfortable about the fact that it's your home IMO. He should pay a fair rent either including or excluding half the bills.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 07/10/2025 20:04

Buzyizzy217 · 07/10/2025 20:00

£2500? In your dreams. I rented a 2 bed in Brighton for £1200 last year.
Secondly, he should be named on the mortgage if he is living there. You’re breaking no end of rules with your mortgagee. If you either decided to sell, or it had to be repossessed, he would have rights. Do things properly. Put him on the mortgage and split everything. Saves all arguments.

This is absolute nonsense.

IDontHateRainbows · 07/10/2025 20:12

Id bd saying ok then, I'll pay all the bills if you pay half the mortgage.

Or id kick him out. Cocklodger.

LLM21 · 07/10/2025 20:13

He is being unreasonable! Perhaps suggest to him that he can't sleep in the bedroom because you pay the mortgage!
Sounds like he wants to keep his outgoings to a minimum so that he benefits from the arrangement . He may not realise he is being so tight so might be worth reminding him how much his bills and rent were prior to moving in !

Jonnybigwallet · 07/10/2025 20:15

Get rid of this guy. He's a tight fisted passenger in your life.

Juniperberry55 · 07/10/2025 20:19

dontmalbeconme · 07/10/2025 19:55

You're paying towards an asset that you'll solely own, whilst hes covering your living costs. Its not exactly fair, is it?

He's paying max £500 in bills to keep a roof over his head, he benefits from the heating, water, adding wear and tear to ops property, op will lose her single person discount on her council tax. He could afford to save at least £2k per month which he couldn't afford if he lived elsewhere, how is it unfair? He literally isn't paying towards an asset as he isn't paying the mortgage. It's literally cheaper than him living in a house share. What would you suggest is fair?

Wilnis7 · 07/10/2025 20:22

it feels there is much more nuance to this, when you say you lived with him over summer, have you both got places but decided to live at yours?

I don't think either of you should get angry, you have different opinions but thats ok. Have a grown up conversation about how you think the split of finances is fair despite being not entirely 50/50

if it is just you paying mortgage and him bills he may resent you gaining the equity from the mortgage but him putting in to the overall pot

couples up and down the land worry and fret over money, try and be empathetic, emotionally intelligent and try and understand his concerns.

ellyeth · 07/10/2025 20:24

It's none of his business that you want the heating on, even if he is paying the bills. He isn't paying rent so of course he should pay the bills - otherwise he can find somewhere else.