DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

Kick him out and get a lodger...cheeky fucker

Out of interest, do you know how much he was paying his parents before? It just would be interesting.. his expectations are… interesting.

And all the posters writing essays about the cost of heating when this has nothing to do with the heating and everything to do with his insecurities turning him into a controlling dickhead! It’s quite frightening how many people are unable to see the bigger picture.

I think you need to make clear how much it costs to run a house and that it’s best he pays a one-off monthly rent to you instead - either the going rate, but no less than £1k.

And that should cover all bills except food (clarify it includes rent, water, gas, electric, broadband, council tax, home insurance, and any other regular charges you incur).

Then you should pay the actual bills though, no need to discuss with him the amounts they come to as he doesn’t seem quite grown up to understand that. Paying a random £300-500 a month is ridiculous. Does sound like he wasn’t contributing to the household when he lived with his parents. If he can’t afford the rent, then it’s probably best he goes back to his parents for both of you.

This is a bit of a weird thread but I’ll bite.

I’ve been the man in this situation with my now wife.

When I lived in her flat (which she owned and mortgaged prior to us getting together), we split the costs of the mortgage and bills on a split that aligned with how much we made. Eg she made a bit more than me so paid more of the bills, but it was like 60/40.

I didn’t think or expect that I’d have any claim on her house.

I didn’t resent helping her pay the mortgage for a property she owned. I would always be helping someone pay their mortgage, and at least I loved this person!

If I wanted to invest in property, my plan was to buy a flat and get a lodger. But we ended up buying a property together.

That is how I’d approach it.

but to be fair this guy sounds like a real twat.

A 3-bed flat in Brighton costs c.£2,000 p.m.

OP should be charging him £1,000 p.m. rent - not really very much when he gets £3,000 p.m.

I suppose it all depends on how much the heating bills are and whether you put it on and just leave doors open from one room to another room. Irrelevant of who owns the property, you should still be especially mindful as I would resent that, I hate waste of any energy or just using a resource because it is there. As a property owner and the person who paid all the bills, I ended up arguing non stop with a former partner who had the heating on even on the hottest day of the year - I only found out when I went home from the office on a lunch break to get something I needed but forgotten. As it was I almost fainted on the way home as the weather was like something in Greece in July/August. I walked in the house and there was my large feature electric fire on!! All bars and convector. I do not know how he stood the heat. Believe me the fire off my breath when I let loose with the verbals was enough to defrost all the ice in the North Pole. Needless to say I stopped him staying over except weekends, where I could manage the utilities consumption. If yours is a big property near to the sea and draughty it might be colder and need the heating on more. It is ok to think that you should be protecting your assets by having the property in your sole name and only the utilities in their name - they can't take the utilities with them if they leave but any debt would follow them. So I do not believe they should pay half of the mortgage unless their name goes on the mortgage or deeds and something drawn up at the Solicitors to say what percentage they would own on any breakup if that is/was or could be an issue. Either charge something - not half the mortgage - for rent and go halves on utilities and food. You would still be liable for the Council Tax whether he/she is there or not. I can see the issues/arguments from both sides but it still needs to be fair.

Some people feel the cold more than others. I think it’s mean of him on every level to turn off the heating if you are feeling cold. Nobody likes being cold.
I wonder if deep down he isn’t feeling uncomfortable about the financial imbalance between the two of you. What I mean by that is that you are on the property ladder and earn more – some would find that difficult.

3 options either pays whatever the bill is (not scrimping just do whatever u normally do re heating), pays u rent or leaves!

Tell him to go sleep in the car since you pay the mortgage. Prick.

He pays the bills.

Nope, he’s a cocklodger. Get rid.

You’re saving £200-£300 a month, he is saving approx £2000 a month, yet you are a grabby monster! They’re out in force tonight.
Would you tell him not to eat the food because you got this weeks shopping and it’s expensive. No. Turn the heating on if it gets cold. Definitely don’t put him on the mortgage.

From ops info, he makes over £3k, he pays bills max £500, say if transport and food are £500 pm he could save £2k a month and that would be £24k a year to save towards a deposit if anything went wrong with their relationship, I wouldn't say that's really a financial imbalance if he has the ability to save a very good financial cushion for himself while living with op very chesply

I would convert the arrangement into a fixed amount rather than him paying all the bills but very clearly put in writing that it isn't rent or a contribution to the mortgage but rather covering his upkeep. Having a fixed cost would then mean he can't moan on about things costing him. But would make the amount slightly more than the bills in case he suddenly decides to spend loads on heating :-D

She pays about £2200 per month and he pays £400 - £500. He has £3000 disposable income per month. Maybe he should have saved his money when he lived with his parents before moving in with OP and then he could buy a property. He's got a sweet deal but he doesn't appreciate it.

I think he’s cheeky all things considered. I do think people tend to put the heating on when they feel a slight chill, which seems odd to me.
If I put it on all, I just raise the temp by a few degrees to take the edge off for an hour max.
I think it’s indulgent to put it on for hours but as you’re effectively covering his rent, he hasn’t got a leg to stand on!

Eh? I think you misread my comment.

Go halves on everything from now on , sounds like he’s in a winning situation at the moment go halves on mortgage bills etc so you can put the damn heating on without either asking permission or risking a bollocking . Failing that I’d advise he moves out gets his own place he’d soon see things differently

Be clear with him. I am not willing to be cold over winter to save you money. Tell him if it's an issue then he can find somewhere else to live for the next 6 months and you can reassess if he moves back in in the warmer months. Don't be wishy washy about it. He is being unreasonable.

Are you Angela Rayner 😉

I think it’s time to sit down and look at all the bills and hopefully it works out that he’ll realise he’s on to a good thing. Good luck.

Yes op options 1/ go half's, he won't like that,
2/ he works out 12 months of heating, winter and summer because of course summers half the price, devides over 12 months, bingo done deal,

Please don't let him turn it off, I hate having a cold home,

Of course we all feel the pinch come winter time but if he budgets over the 12 months will help,
I put the same amount away in summer to compensate for the winter,

Hope you can agree op 👍

Agree.

I find it weird that some people seem to think there’s a set time of year to put the heating on?? I put my heating on when the house feels cold and turn it off if there’s a warm spell again.

Set up a spreadsheet showing average rents for the area, the amount you pay to keep a roof over both heads, cost of bills, council tax etc. Spell out the deal he's getting. Show how much even a maximum fuel bill would figure in this scenario. Have an open discussion and record the outcome for future reference. Or dump him.

He’s not nice.