DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

Charge him rent

I understand the financials it is easy to be demanding when you own the property. The arrangement long term is not good the balance is not fair. If u are planning to be together go and rent or purchase a property together and work out the financials like that tomorrow u can kick him out. Even on some responses on hear ppl are insensitive. Rent your own home

Change to a fixed monthly rent?

Some of the messages on here are so negative towards the poster.
I agree its too soon for heating I have a friend who will switch heating on in the summer if she felt cool no joke just hearing that said to me winds me up.. but he is an adult man earning well and definitely saving while living with the op maybe for his own place who knows.
So I'd say if you want to put the heating on put it on sensibly .
Tell you boyfriend you will live feeling comfortable if he doesn't like this then he needs to move out.

Please! It looks like he's attempting to play reverse psychology on you so you feel like you're doing nothing to contribute. He's a leach and you should break up with him and let him use his so called money to pay rent. Do not allow him to treat you like that in your own home. What a dusty!

Fundamentally women feel the cold more than men, this has forever been an issue in the office and control of the thermostat. I couldn't bear being with someone who was tight fisted, but maybe he is endearing in other ways.
You can google the facts, but some are summarised here.
Physiological Factors

1. Muscle Mass: On average, men have a higher muscle mass than women, which plays a significant role in heat generation. Muscle tissue generates heat, so individuals with more muscle tend to retain warmth better. Women typically have about 30-35% muscle mass compared to 40-45% in men, leading to a greater loss of body heat in colder environments.
3. 2
4. Body Fat Distribution: Women generally have a higher percentage of body fat, which serves as insulation for vital organs. However, this fat is often located beneath the skin, which can result in cooler extremities (hands and feet) as blood flow is redirected to maintain core body temperature. This can make women feel colder overall.
6. 2
7. Metabolic Rate: Women tend to have a lower resting metabolic rate than men, meaning they produce less body heat at rest. This lower metabolic rate contributes to a greater sensitivity to cold temperatures.

I'd suggest due to his issue of bill paying, rather than he pays the bills you pay everything. However, he then pays lodge of £600-750 (work out what all bills and mortgage cost and charge him 40-45%) per month, food is not included. Then whether the heating cost £50 or £200 that month is non his business, and he doesn't get a say.
Or he moves out and tries to fund somewhere cheaper where he csn be a dictator.

Hmm. This man sounds as though he could be a bit of a player and future trouble.

Don't know the legal situation but he may want some kind of compensation i he moved out for paying bills and Council tax.

Find out then show him the door.

Good luck

Sounds like a Cock lodger to me...

So whilst you have been ‘adulting’ eg: renting, saving and buying your own home….

He’s lived at home with mummy and daddy paying subs and then moved in with you. He has more disposable income and then becomes incredulous that you put the heating on “because he pays the bills”.

This guy is telling you who he is. He thinks he calls the shots misogyny.

IMO you either need to show him the reality of what a real adult has to pay to live independently, dump him or split the bills and charge him rent.

Lastly, I’m quite shocked that some posters on here think that you should sub the poor man baby…just because he is male!

Are you actually insane?

If he was to rent his own property, he would be paying £1500 and also have no rights to the property, now he pays £300 or £400 or whatever, so he is still saving at least a £1000 on living with OP.

I think you are being reasonable and sensible to protect your financial assets whilst you figure out where your relationship is heading. Even then… you still need to keep your head screwed on straight as everything you have you have worked hard for and you need to protect it (I'm saying this as a woman who has had to rebuild after thinking with my heart and not head 🙄)

He has a super sweet situation which he could be using to his long term financial advantage to save some money to build your relationship together (if that’s what you both want to do) however it sounds like he is possibly a little bitter or intimidated about the stability you have as an independent woman or on cloud cuckoo land when it comes to what is balanced and fair.

I am absolutely with you…. He is the unreasonable one. Maybe time to evaluate his thought process and behaviour to see if this is what you want? Can you imagine being in a PARTNERSHIP with him long term if this is how he reacts over you turning the heating on?!

Charge him rent instead and then you can choose what to do with the money. But be prepared that this could be the beginning of other controlling behaviour.

OP I do think you need to have a discussion with your partner and increase his contributions- maybe go halves on bills, but he has to pay rent at reduced price- and then see if he like that. He is clearly using you and either you will remain a doormat, or you will need to teachi him respect for your hard work.

Wondering if he was indicating a preference for a lower temperature rather than trying to start an argument about money.

Have you lived together through winter before?

If you do have different preferences over temperature levels that's worth a discussion - you could turn the heating off in one room to give him a cooler space or turn the thermostat down so it doesn't get warmer than x.

A flat shouldn't be a particularly expensive place to heat (Vs a detached house) with heat rising and coming from neighbouring flats.

It is worth looking at insulation levels - if you can, I don't know enough about flats and the split between what you're responsible for and what the freeholder is responsible for.

And worth thinking about other energy saving measures - not suggesting you should be cold or otherwise suffer, but suggesting it's worth not wasting money on stuff that isn't keeping you warm. And also not very environmentally friendly to waste energy.

You can share what the winter energy bills are usually like with your partner to help him budget for the bigger winter bills / encourage him to spread the cost over the year.

I'd say you are being extremely generous! Tell him to rent his own place and he can see how much he should be paying. Greedy git. :) Stick to your guns, putting the heating on whenever you wish to; he wants to rely on you financially. My recent ex was the same, and I asked him to leave a year ago for this reason.

Don't be ridiculous. He's living rent-free, pays the bills but resents her putting the heating on because that's his bill. Do you think he'd object if she was paying the bills?

OP, that would do my head in! He's got an amazing deal and resents you for it. I'd reconsider the relationship.

He is the cockiest of cocklodgers.

YANBU.
I would continue to put the heating on when it gets cold and if he creates about it again then you'll probably need to have a finances chat with him. He pays you rent and you pay half the bills each. This may help with any arguments about him paying the bills!

Some of these responses are wild btw - saying you have it easy - yet you're the one paying the mortgage. Don't listen to them OP. Also, make sure you don't marry him at the moment won't you! Give it plenty of time and don't rush into anything.

Maybe he resents the fact that your payments are, effectively, an investment in the ownership of your home, whereas his money offers no return. He probably feels as though he's keeping you. Maybe it's time for a review of who pays what.

What do people mean by 'too early to put on heating'? Heating goes on depeding on temperature, not calendar.

And anybody who tries to tell me not to put heating on in my own house can go back to their own house and shiver over there.

Perfect response.

Just seen how much he pays I'd definitely suggest that you personally pay all the bills. Then he pays a set amount of lodge food not included. From looking online for a room in Brighton you more than fair charging him around £750 a month (that's the lowest end of the scale.) Then he cannot complain about bill cost as his costs will be set no matter what.

I know, what's that about?! If you're cold, you're cold! I am up at 5.17 on work days and I want my uniform to be warm when I put it on. I'll happily sit in a hat, blanky and hot water bottle in the afternoon or evening, but I want it on in the morning, and I really don't care if it's apparently "not cold enough" to put the heating on. It's cold enough for me! It's my house, I'll have the heating on if I want it!

Tell him you’re happy to split the bills if he pays rent. He’s taking the piss and it sounds like he’s jealous or feels emasculated that you own property and he doesn’t, which is a big red flag for the kind of person he is in general.