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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

651 replies

Lily0o · 06/10/2025 17:09

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 07/10/2025 07:39

Qwertyop · 06/10/2025 17:11

Kick him out. He can find somewhere else where he has to pay rent and bills.

This, absolutely.

Owly11 · 07/10/2025 07:49

What! He doesn’t pay the bills in reality - he lives rent free. How much is the mortgage and how much are the bills? Unless the amount of the bills is more than the mortgage then he doesn’t ‘pay the bills’. Tell him to get fucked.

dointhebestwecan · 07/10/2025 08:04

The clue here is that you keep saying £200 is nothing which is not the case. You sound very well off and must have different perceptions of the value of money which is causing a rift.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 07/10/2025 08:32

dointhebestwecan · 07/10/2025 08:04

The clue here is that you keep saying £200 is nothing which is not the case. You sound very well off and must have different perceptions of the value of money which is causing a rift.

Which perception of money do you think makes contributing roughly 400 quid a month towards bills a worse deal than paying rent plus a share of the bills in Brighton?

Oh, I forgot, he wasn't renting before, he was living with mummy and daddy. I imagine the cost of heating probably does seem high if you weren't paying any bills at all before, and living rent free doesn't seem like such an amazing deal if that's what you're used to.

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 07/10/2025 08:33

CrystalShoe · 07/10/2025 00:02

Gosh. It's extremely generous of you to charge him no rent at all. Given that, he's got no right to complain about heating bills when he's not paying any rent or mortgage!!

This! He's not paying rent so you've just as much right to turn it on

NannyOggAlterEgo · 07/10/2025 08:48

I completely agree that your partner should contribute and he has very good deal already, he should contribute more in Brighton (very expensive city). Looking at some people here phrase "paying all bills" is triggering ;)

Maybe If you would charge him £800 as a lodger (still very good deal) noone would argue so much and you would have more money ;) And he also wouldn't dare to comment if you put heating on or not.

AutumnFroglets · 07/10/2025 09:43

@Lily0o

I think the finances are a bit of a red herring tbh. This is more down to his character so where do you see your future going with him? Are you wanting children at some point? Because a man who is so tight now will not be happy in stepping up when you are on maternity. Or stepping up with nursery fees. Or willing to support you if you have to go part time if you have a disabled child. Or willing to pay extra for dietary requirements. Or if you are long term sick. It's a deep seated innate part of him that won't consider others if it means he has to put his hand in his pocket, and that means he will never be a truly supportive or loving partner (or father). That is the part you should be focusing on, not bill splitting.

Juniperberry55 · 07/10/2025 11:02

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 06/10/2025 22:58

The only person here that seems triggered is you? You asked for opinions, people are giving you their opinions, then you’re offended about said opinions and keep going on that people want you to be a sugarmummy.

IMO the only way this would make sense is to treat him like a lodger - he gives you a set amount and then you do whatever you want. It’s clear you’re both in different financial situations and what is inconsequential to you, seems to be a financial worry to him.

Show quote history

Op is constantly having to reply to another poster who seems unable to accept that she doesn't have children, owns her own home and isn't on benefits, just because that poster has decided that they don't believe op about anything. The previous poster seems to have a bee in their bonnet over nothing

NowtWorse · 07/10/2025 11:07

He's like Ebenezer Scrooge, I couldn't take him seriously as a partner.

Hibernatingtilspring · 07/10/2025 11:14

I understand why you want to keep finances separate and not let him have a claim on your property, but I don't think this living arrangement is the solution. I think he needs to live in a flatshare and experience what the real world costs, and the compromises that come with living with others, otherwise he's always going to compare it to living at home with his parents..

I would think a flatshare in Brighton must be around £800pcm now? It wasn't far off that when I had friends living there a few years back.

Comtesse · 07/10/2025 11:20

He’s being pretty cheeky to moan about the heating being on considering the limited financial contribution he is making. I think you should continue ignoring any more silly comments like this.

MO0N · 07/10/2025 12:03

His next move will be to only pay for the portion of the bills that he personally uses.

NimbleDreamer · 07/10/2025 13:07

Lily0o · 06/10/2025 19:23

But that’s not reasonable. Only a mug who is looking to be used for their money would accept that. I’m 99.9999% sure you have never had that arrangement with a man before in your life yet you expect me to. Nobody gave me money to buy I house. I had to rent and save for a deposit (in Brighton!!) which was insanely hard. My partner could have saved money if he wanted as he lived with his parents which wasn’t an option for me as they live miles away from where I work.

Show quote history

No but I've been on the other side of the arrangement. I moved in to my DP's flat, paid half of the bills, he paid the other half and all of the mortgage as it was his asset. I also contributed by doing most of the housework especially as he worked longer hours than me. After about 12 months of this he sold his flat and then we bought a house together with a joint mortgage. We're now married so have a joint account and all the bills/mortgage comes out of that. We've been together for 17 years now and not once in that time have either of us thought we were being "used for our money" as we actually love each other, want to spend time with each other, and we're a team.

I don't know why you're having a go at me. You clearly resent living with a man, especially this man, and feel like you're a mug being used for your money, so surely it's best that you call it a day.

Doggybroc · 07/10/2025 16:28

In your twenties
childfree
moving in together

should be a time of fun, holidays, lots of sex, last minute plans, chilled evenings, socialising…. Instead it would seem this has jumped straight to animosity, resentment and tension.

Doggybroc · 07/10/2025 16:29

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off.

Last week??? So you’ve been seething about this for a week?

Topseyt123 · 07/10/2025 16:35

Doggybroc · 07/10/2025 16:29

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off.

Last week??? So you’ve been seething about this for a week?

Why not? Sometimes the more and the longer you think about something the angrier you get.

Doggybroc · 07/10/2025 16:37

Topseyt123 · 07/10/2025 16:35

Why not? Sometimes the more and the longer you think about something the angrier you get.

Show quote history

But the op said that basically very happy relationship and this tiff doesn’t really mean much.

a week later, the op is this angry? What must the atmosphere been like??

Mumoftwins78 · 07/10/2025 17:46

It depends on who's paying more. If he's paying all the bills and your just the mortgage and half the food I have a feeling he's paying more. If you are partners then everything should be tallied up and split by halve. Mortgage included

Raineylainey · 07/10/2025 17:49

Read the thread! OP pays ways more than him each month.

Juniperberry55 · 07/10/2025 17:50

Mumoftwins78 · 07/10/2025 17:46

It depends on who's paying more. If he's paying all the bills and your just the mortgage and half the food I have a feeling he's paying more. If you are partners then everything should be tallied up and split by halve. Mortgage included

Op stated on a previous post 'Mortgage is £1920 pm, bills can vary, usually around £350 to £500'
She is paying 4x what her partner is paying
Most people's mortgages are more than their other bills unless they bought a long time ago, op is in her 20s, so she has likely only had the mortgage a few years max

Adhdmum05 · 07/10/2025 17:52

Bobiverse · 06/10/2025 17:14

You’re being unfair. If you don’t want to charge him rent, that’s your choice. But you can’t make him pay all the bills. Bills should be 50/50. You’re eating your cake and having it too.

If you charged him a fair rent, then you’d be paying 50:50 bills and he’d probably end up paying around the same, but be less impacted by the winter increase in heating.

Because you don’t want to charge him rent, you’re making him pay all the bills. He’s not really saving anything, you’re getting the same money off him but making sure it’s documented so he doesn’t have any claim on your house. That’s fine; you don’t want him having a claim on your house, but you’re still essentially charging him to same as you would have.

You’re trying to keep full claim on your home and don’t need to pay any bills. Even though they can increase quite a lot.

You know that you can charge him rent and he doesn’t get a claim on your property, right? Just like a lodger.

Charge him rent, and split the bills 50:50 so that you absorb some of the winter fees.

(this is assuming that he’d live in a flat share with rent and bills split rather than a 3 bed house, or be a lodger elsewhere).

Edited

Oh sod off what a stupid comment 🙄

Mummyof32023 · 07/10/2025 17:53

Kick him out and tell him its over. Your flat, your rules.

Laurmolonlabe · 07/10/2025 17:57

He is living rent free- he shouldn't complain even if you kept the flat at a tropical heat. Either he;
A/ stops whingeing and pays up for the heat
B/ You split all the bills 50/50 or
C/ He looks for somewhere else to live.
He sounds rather entitled TBH.

Luckyingame · 07/10/2025 17:57

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

Why do you have this bastard in your home, rent free, WHEN YOU DON'T SEEM TO NEED TO????

LoveSandbanks · 07/10/2025 18:03

Honestly, I’d have laughed at him. He doesn’t pay ALL bills! Just because he pays the heating bill doesn’t give him the right to dictate the fucking temperature. I’d be knocking this shit right on the head. If he wants to pay half the bills he can pay some fucking rent. He’s got a super sweet deal and if he doesn’t like it he can bugger off back to
mummy.

there are five of us in this house and our gas and electricity combined are the best part of £400 a month. I’d be bloody ecstatic to live somewhere for £400 a month plus food!

hell have the fucking heating set at 16 degrees all winter and telling you to spend your money on new jumpers do he can save his own money.